fast-forward idol: wild card

my first thought: do i have to do this? my second thought: no.

why-oh-why didn't they pick nick midnight or whatever his name is. have i said this before? he's got a career ahead of him. maybe not singing...

• jessie. this would be better if she had a killer voice. judges: randy – "rufussteviewonderchaka written kinda joint." newbie – notes are not "off key," they are off pitch. paula – "i'm impressed with your tenacity," which means jessie's done.

• matt. i got a matty in kalamazoo. way over the top and not really worth it. he's just sung more notes in one phrase than the entire group sang all of last year. judges: newbie wants her some matty. "a little bit over the top at points," ( i.e. have sex with me.) paula – why are you not drunk paula? isn't it fascinating to watch paula abdul struggle to come up with difficult words like "amazing"? simon – "he's taylor hicks." newbie – "no, justin timberlake!" (i.e. will you rub hot oil on my stinky feet?) seacrest – "good luck, okay bro?" ryan - it's not working.

f-fwd.

• megan. she said "jamsiest." wow. i'm using that. eek. sorry girl, all frosting and no cake. judges: paula – the best thing i can say is you picked the right song. simon – "will you rub hot oil on newbie's stinky feet and let me watch?" randy – ugh. okay wait, i thought this was a singing competition? they're all making excuses for her bad singing.
  

• von. is he cute or annoying? another elton song. oh, vonny, you're off key (pitch.) "what do i say when it's all over, baby?" he knows how to yell on key (pitch), that's for sure. judges: what? randy said something intelligent? paula – "i've been studying the way you perform." that made me laugh out loud. he's done i think.

i'm gonna tell you that ricky is gone just by watching him wave at the camera as we go to commercial.

f-fwd.

• jasmine. she perrty. she off key too (pitch.) are all these girls from new jersey? i've seen more sack dresses on this show than a sunday at the willowbrook mall. judges: how many times has this happened this season - we see the shot of the contestant standing, staring, blank-faced, while the judges argue with each other?

• ricky. isn't he feathers on planet unicorn? okay, a really, really bad song choice because i don't care what he does with this song, it'll never sound as good as this. judges: simon is right.

see now, there was anoopy waving at the camera and he was fine. not annoying at all.

f-fwd.

wait. this woman on the ford commercial just said "my name is shy-doom" or some shit.

f-fwd-f-fwd.

• tatiana. if this girl gets through i quit. no kidding. why is she using the largest microphone in all of california? it looks like she's a baby person holding a giant mr. microphone. oy, too much riffing. who is this hugh she's saving all her love for? judges: some producer made them bring her back. simon hates her. newbie – it's like the adventures of tatiana. puke.

• anoopy. singin' bobby brown. he makes me laugh. he's going through. from this group? please. he's having fun, he's on key (pitch.) and he's dorky cute. is he crosseyed? it'll only work in his favor. big long note. yup. big and long. okay, that was fun. look at his mom and dad. wait, which is which? judges: simon – you're like an enthusiastic dog. anoopy pulls the duke card on newbie. she swoons. anoopy gone be the one rubbin' th'oil on her nasty feet ya'll, okerr? paula – look! we've learned a new word this season - relevant!

i say von, jasmine and anoopy.

f-fwd.

jasmine's in – check. now paula is prepping wackjob for rejection. do we need to invite crazy people on our tv shows? they picked megan. and OHMYGOD – one of my favorite moments ever on american idol: paula abdul leaning over the judges desk telling crazytown tatiana, "it's not just gonna be singing for you, you're gonna be an actress too." the scariest part: paula is right.

did ryan seacrest just say "find out who takes the final stool...next"?

okay, the show ran over and my dvr stopped recording at 9 pm. i had to search the internet to find out they're bringing back kalamazoo and anoopy. meh.