Even if he is heterosexual, Ryan Seacrest should consider being gay.
The Idol host, whose erratic behavior this season has intensified the speculation about his personal life, is hounded about his sexuality even outside the show.
At the 2009 Oscars, where Seacrest worked the red carpet for E!, co-host Jay Manuel, the openly gay makeup artist and star of America's Next Top Model, noted Seacrest's unabashed enthusiasm for one actress' gown. With a smile, Manuel told the audience that "Ryan was loving that dress" then asked his colleague, "fashion's your favorite subject, right, Ryan?"
And when Seacrest served as substitute host on CNN's Larry King Live he received a most unwelcome compliment from CNN anchor Anderson Cooper:
tuesday is a joke / played on those not quite prepared / the same game again
Showing posts with label american idol. Show all posts
Showing posts with label american idol. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
draggin' peecrust out the closet...
...even if he's not in it. poor guy's been called many things on this blog, including the most appropriate moniker gaysey gaysome. the daily beast's thaddeus russel has a great suggestion for peecrust:
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
fast-forward idol: dreaded group night
peecrust's über-dramatic opening voice-over: "during the first day in hollywood, 85 idol dreams came to a crashing halt. and now, it's the dreaded group night."
dreaded? really?
rocker mom: "whatever we're gonna do, we're gonna make it creative and different." oh good.
we watch them forming groups. the mavericks. the dreamers. the river city ramblers. the losers. the neapolitans are two black people, two white people, and a strawberry person. fun!
coming up, "incredible auditions you don't want to miss." that, and big mike yelling "push!" into his cell phone (his wife is having a baby.)
i need a snack. anyone ever had an it's-it?
f-fwd.
um. dear american idol. you can't afford to book separate rooms for these people to rehearse in? what a stupid, ugly mess, throwing them all into one big room to fight it out for space. really, really stupid. and not entertaining.
there's big mike. there's the wife on the i-phone. "push!"
it's 3:20 a.m. rocker mom's being pushy, which is a change for her. she's usually just loud and overbearing. the music director calls her out. girl #2 rolls her eyes at her. i roll my eyes at girl #2.
shouldn't more be happening in between these commercials?
f-fwd.
rocker mom is having a melt-down. remind me to never work with this crazy beyatch. oh yeah, she's going home soon.
mike got pulled away because his wife is crowning. over the internet. quite seriously, he's listening to his wife have a baby over his cell phone. so he can be on american idol. i'm sorry, something is effed up there. excuses for missing your child's birth: honey, i'm in afghanistan. acceptable. honey, i'm on american idol. not.
three girls singing in their head. not so much. ed puts them all through. musta been better in the room.
team awesome. meh. and we don't know their "fate" until after the break. i don't really care.
ohhh...more rocker mom drama comin' up too. goody.
f-fwd.
awesome results not so awesome: autism goes home. that sucks. i-phone dad makes it through and thus will miss even more of his child's first days.
neapolitan. singing bad romance, acapulco. the next group says nea-p stole their idea. to sing bad romance, acapulco. here come the second group. singing it better. with better moves. they should all go through. ellen says it was "surreal."
destiny's wild makes it. the next group makes it. just put everyone through! or...
uh-oh. here come the losers. tori kelly sounds good. (so does tari kelly.) maddie penrose wears green glasses, and doesn't sound so hot. mark and kimberley don't sound so good either. the big guy with the glasses cries: "this was a dream. and i was really hoping it would come true. but maybe in another life." yah. maybe.
f-fwd.
some dame quits in the middle of hollywood week. right before her group is to perform. aaaand, they all sort of lose it. no one knows the words. did girlfriend sing everything?
okay, sorry. i needed some peanut butter and jelly toast.
i have to say something. i know this is different, american idol. but as we watch these people cry and sob and whine because they have so much inside them they were hoping to be able to share with people, and because they were on tv two, three times, and because they went to an audition and were called back and eventually got told no... this happens to actors in new york on a daily basis. sometimes two times a day. it happens to actors in chicago, and l.a, and milwaukee, and cleveland too.
not to me, of course. i quit. :)
ladies the gentlemen, the dreamers. "we need to just not go like this the whole time" says a dreamer, step-touching back and forth. "that's gonna look ignorant." yes. ignorant. ignoramus. first of all, they chose a horrible, horrible song. and then they sang it really, really badly. still, three of them get through, including the awful, evil, annoying, rocker mom. i'm sorry, she's a mom, and her child is probably adorable. but she is just...ick.
now i know what peecrust meant by the "dreaded" group night.
dreaded? really?
rocker mom: "whatever we're gonna do, we're gonna make it creative and different." oh good.
we watch them forming groups. the mavericks. the dreamers. the river city ramblers. the losers. the neapolitans are two black people, two white people, and a strawberry person. fun!
coming up, "incredible auditions you don't want to miss." that, and big mike yelling "push!" into his cell phone (his wife is having a baby.)
i need a snack. anyone ever had an it's-it?
f-fwd.
um. dear american idol. you can't afford to book separate rooms for these people to rehearse in? what a stupid, ugly mess, throwing them all into one big room to fight it out for space. really, really stupid. and not entertaining.
there's big mike. there's the wife on the i-phone. "push!"
it's 3:20 a.m. rocker mom's being pushy, which is a change for her. she's usually just loud and overbearing. the music director calls her out. girl #2 rolls her eyes at her. i roll my eyes at girl #2.
shouldn't more be happening in between these commercials?
f-fwd.
rocker mom is having a melt-down. remind me to never work with this crazy beyatch. oh yeah, she's going home soon.
mike got pulled away because his wife is crowning. over the internet. quite seriously, he's listening to his wife have a baby over his cell phone. so he can be on american idol. i'm sorry, something is effed up there. excuses for missing your child's birth: honey, i'm in afghanistan. acceptable. honey, i'm on american idol. not.
three girls singing in their head. not so much. ed puts them all through. musta been better in the room.
team awesome. meh. and we don't know their "fate" until after the break. i don't really care.
ohhh...more rocker mom drama comin' up too. goody.
f-fwd.
awesome results not so awesome: autism goes home. that sucks. i-phone dad makes it through and thus will miss even more of his child's first days.
neapolitan. singing bad romance, acapulco. the next group says nea-p stole their idea. to sing bad romance, acapulco. here come the second group. singing it better. with better moves. they should all go through. ellen says it was "surreal."
destiny's wild makes it. the next group makes it. just put everyone through! or...
uh-oh. here come the losers. tori kelly sounds good. (so does tari kelly.) maddie penrose wears green glasses, and doesn't sound so hot. mark and kimberley don't sound so good either. the big guy with the glasses cries: "this was a dream. and i was really hoping it would come true. but maybe in another life." yah. maybe.
f-fwd.
some dame quits in the middle of hollywood week. right before her group is to perform. aaaand, they all sort of lose it. no one knows the words. did girlfriend sing everything?
okay, sorry. i needed some peanut butter and jelly toast.
i have to say something. i know this is different, american idol. but as we watch these people cry and sob and whine because they have so much inside them they were hoping to be able to share with people, and because they were on tv two, three times, and because they went to an audition and were called back and eventually got told no... this happens to actors in new york on a daily basis. sometimes two times a day. it happens to actors in chicago, and l.a, and milwaukee, and cleveland too.
not to me, of course. i quit. :)
ladies the gentlemen, the dreamers. "we need to just not go like this the whole time" says a dreamer, step-touching back and forth. "that's gonna look ignorant." yes. ignorant. ignoramus. first of all, they chose a horrible, horrible song. and then they sang it really, really badly. still, three of them get through, including the awful, evil, annoying, rocker mom. i'm sorry, she's a mom, and her child is probably adorable. but she is just...ick.
now i know what peecrust meant by the "dreaded" group night.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
fast-forward idol: holly ellenwood
did you notice i skipped last week completely? ya. me neither.
"performing on the most high-profile stage in the world," peecrust says. really? really? what about this one? or this one? or even this one? dipstick. ellen degeneres (ed) shows up dressed like...me.
allison has to perform first because any minute now her grandmother is gonna forget who she is. "great natural talent," says randy (as opposed to unnatural talent.) skiiboski is back, and ed sums it up: "sexy and scary, it's a fine line." ski gets axed, but needs to hear again that he really wasn't good.
f-fwd.
andrew. dude sings paula abdul's "straight up" unplugged and it's good. not-so-newbie: "that was genius." well. on the not-so scale, yah. my country girl vanessa is nervous. woah, way too nervous. why is she singing this song? horrible. poor kid didn't make it. and i just said "poor kid didn't make it." i liked that little hick.
the big italian goombah gets, what...whacked. janell wheeler, however, has a sexy rasp that gets her through. then... lots of crash and burn. rocker mom gets through and says this is gonna change her whole family's life. until she goes home tomorrow.
f-fwd.
day two. simon says, don't forget the words. beatboxer jay stone gets dissed! lilly scott is duffy-light and i'm kinda tired of these kinds of singers. not-so says she did her own thing, but she actually did duffy's thing. and madeleine peyroux's thing.
big mike's wife's water broke. he's gonna sing enya's "orinoco flow " in her honor.
down syndrome girl is coming up.
f-fwd.
cancer survivor justin and shaggy-hair-tim are up. both, i think, are stinky. but i can also tell how nervous they are, and it makes me nervous just watching, and i know that in a million, gazillion years i would never not be too nervous to do what they're doing. so. props to 'em. still, they both blew. shaggy moves on.
of course we need to be reminded about maddy curtis' down syndrome brothers. maddy picks a terrible song, and i find myself wishing i didn't know about her brothers.
shirtless guy is coming up. will he be shirtless again? one can only hope. wait. why isn't he playing this bluesy song sans shirt? think how much more entertaining...
ohhh... maddy heads home. pecs mcgee goes on.
f-fwd.
didi. singing "terrified," written by not-so. brave. it looks painful, at times, but they like it. not sure i do. crystal bowersox (love that name) plays guitar and sings "natural woman" and rocks. she needs some crest ultimate white strips, but she rocks. and hey, she just got a new tattoo.
both didi and bowersox go on.
tomorrow: swing choir dancing!
"performing on the most high-profile stage in the world," peecrust says. really? really? what about this one? or this one? or even this one? dipstick. ellen degeneres (ed) shows up dressed like...me.
allison has to perform first because any minute now her grandmother is gonna forget who she is. "great natural talent," says randy (as opposed to unnatural talent.) skiiboski is back, and ed sums it up: "sexy and scary, it's a fine line." ski gets axed, but needs to hear again that he really wasn't good.f-fwd.
andrew. dude sings paula abdul's "straight up" unplugged and it's good. not-so-newbie: "that was genius." well. on the not-so scale, yah. my country girl vanessa is nervous. woah, way too nervous. why is she singing this song? horrible. poor kid didn't make it. and i just said "poor kid didn't make it." i liked that little hick.
the big italian goombah gets, what...whacked. janell wheeler, however, has a sexy rasp that gets her through. then... lots of crash and burn. rocker mom gets through and says this is gonna change her whole family's life. until she goes home tomorrow.
f-fwd.
day two. simon says, don't forget the words. beatboxer jay stone gets dissed! lilly scott is duffy-light and i'm kinda tired of these kinds of singers. not-so says she did her own thing, but she actually did duffy's thing. and madeleine peyroux's thing.
big mike's wife's water broke. he's gonna sing enya's "orinoco flow " in her honor.
down syndrome girl is coming up.
f-fwd.
cancer survivor justin and shaggy-hair-tim are up. both, i think, are stinky. but i can also tell how nervous they are, and it makes me nervous just watching, and i know that in a million, gazillion years i would never not be too nervous to do what they're doing. so. props to 'em. still, they both blew. shaggy moves on.
of course we need to be reminded about maddy curtis' down syndrome brothers. maddy picks a terrible song, and i find myself wishing i didn't know about her brothers.
shirtless guy is coming up. will he be shirtless again? one can only hope. wait. why isn't he playing this bluesy song sans shirt? think how much more entertaining...
ohhh... maddy heads home. pecs mcgee goes on.
f-fwd.
didi. singing "terrified," written by not-so. brave. it looks painful, at times, but they like it. not sure i do. crystal bowersox (love that name) plays guitar and sings "natural woman" and rocks. she needs some crest ultimate white strips, but she rocks. and hey, she just got a new tattoo.
both didi and bowersox go on.
tomorrow: swing choir dancing!
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
fast-forward idol: orlan-don't
guest judge kristin chenowith means they won't be dissing broadway tonight.
okay, the black guy with taxi fare glued to his face...theo? "in ten years i will be running a corporate salon." yup. judges say no go and he can't believe it. "oh my güt-ness."
uh-oh. coming up, autism.
f-fwd.
shania twain gave not-so the heave-ho, so tonight not-so's goin' after cheni. h-o-t. whoops, who's this? seth? i missed the big guy's name. his son has autism. dude's crying on camera already. he knows he's up against down syndrome and alzheimers. singing "someone to watch over to me" by frank sinatra. yes, by frank sinatra. cheni knows it's a gershwin song and makes a point to mention it – thatta girl. a million percent yes. wow. a million percent.
YES! coming up! ARRESTED!!
f-fwd.
contestant #69350. jermaine purifory. his second time around. he's so, so adorable and genuine and honest. and he seems so surprised to hear this good stuff from the judges, and it's really great.
shelby has a handicap and is unable to use the right side of her face. i have nothing else. she wins. please, shelby, be really, really good. okay...am i tired? i'm gettin' a little teary. she's not amazing, but she's good. she forgets the words and swears. they all laugh...talk to her...and put her through.
wow, i must be really tired, and old, and a stupid, gigantic sap. this girl overcomes this huge...thing. gets up in front of these judges. pretty moving. um...then i saw this.
f-fwd.
cheni's been called back to new york? right. she dumped not-so too.
beat boxer j. stone sings "come together." i think jay needs to do the kind of stand up where the audience thinks "how does he make all those funny noises!?" then i saw this. "i'm bringing something new and different this competition has never seen before," says jay. um. blake lewis? "blake lewis didn't do what i'm doing, singing and beat boxing simultaneously." oh.
three random girls go through.
stretchy guy who has friends who are strippers. singing "rollin'" by tina turner. yes. "rollin'". and a giant jump split. "my pants done ripped."
arrested next.
f-fwd.
the disimi-somthing sisters. direct from jersey shore. bernadette - meh. amanda - meh. "somethin' about somethin' told me you were from jersey," says not-so. two words: horrible bag dress.
jarrod norell. this is the crazy-pants mofo who's gonna get arrested, ready? wow...crackpot from the git-go! i'm worried. "amazing grace." not-so humiliates him. "i'm trippin, i'm trippin, i'm losin' it. can i sing one more song?" he meant, the same song. he starts singing again. woah. "i cannot leave. i can't leave." and the american idol bouncer escorts him to the door. okay, wait. now they're handcuffing the guy? "that's the way it's gotta be you guys take me out in cuffs." ugh. even police action on this program is a bore.
we've seen the future convict. coming up, american idol ex-con.
f-fwd.
almost done. hey! has this been as not funny verging on painful for you as it has been for me? the last contestant of the day is matt lawrence. when matt was a kid he liked adventure so he robbed a bank with a bb gun. we went to dandelion park, but go matt. he sings "trouble." i can't wait to see them force this guy to sing a bee gees song. they really like him, and suddenly he smiles. he has a giant smile. and he's so blown away that he made it through.
dude smiles and he's a winner.
okay, the black guy with taxi fare glued to his face...theo? "in ten years i will be running a corporate salon." yup. judges say no go and he can't believe it. "oh my güt-ness."uh-oh. coming up, autism.
f-fwd.
shania twain gave not-so the heave-ho, so tonight not-so's goin' after cheni. h-o-t. whoops, who's this? seth? i missed the big guy's name. his son has autism. dude's crying on camera already. he knows he's up against down syndrome and alzheimers. singing "someone to watch over to me" by frank sinatra. yes, by frank sinatra. cheni knows it's a gershwin song and makes a point to mention it – thatta girl. a million percent yes. wow. a million percent.
YES! coming up! ARRESTED!!
f-fwd.
contestant #69350. jermaine purifory. his second time around. he's so, so adorable and genuine and honest. and he seems so surprised to hear this good stuff from the judges, and it's really great.shelby has a handicap and is unable to use the right side of her face. i have nothing else. she wins. please, shelby, be really, really good. okay...am i tired? i'm gettin' a little teary. she's not amazing, but she's good. she forgets the words and swears. they all laugh...talk to her...and put her through.
wow, i must be really tired, and old, and a stupid, gigantic sap. this girl overcomes this huge...thing. gets up in front of these judges. pretty moving. um...then i saw this.
f-fwd.
cheni's been called back to new york? right. she dumped not-so too.
beat boxer j. stone sings "come together." i think jay needs to do the kind of stand up where the audience thinks "how does he make all those funny noises!?" then i saw this. "i'm bringing something new and different this competition has never seen before," says jay. um. blake lewis? "blake lewis didn't do what i'm doing, singing and beat boxing simultaneously." oh.
three random girls go through.
stretchy guy who has friends who are strippers. singing "rollin'" by tina turner. yes. "rollin'". and a giant jump split. "my pants done ripped."
arrested next.
f-fwd.
the disimi-somthing sisters. direct from jersey shore. bernadette - meh. amanda - meh. "somethin' about somethin' told me you were from jersey," says not-so. two words: horrible bag dress.
jarrod norell. this is the crazy-pants mofo who's gonna get arrested, ready? wow...crackpot from the git-go! i'm worried. "amazing grace." not-so humiliates him. "i'm trippin, i'm trippin, i'm losin' it. can i sing one more song?" he meant, the same song. he starts singing again. woah. "i cannot leave. i can't leave." and the american idol bouncer escorts him to the door. okay, wait. now they're handcuffing the guy? "that's the way it's gotta be you guys take me out in cuffs." ugh. even police action on this program is a bore.
we've seen the future convict. coming up, american idol ex-con.
f-fwd.
almost done. hey! has this been as not funny verging on painful for you as it has been for me? the last contestant of the day is matt lawrence. when matt was a kid he liked adventure so he robbed a bank with a bb gun. we went to dandelion park, but go matt. he sings "trouble." i can't wait to see them force this guy to sing a bee gees song. they really like him, and suddenly he smiles. he has a giant smile. and he's so blown away that he made it through.
dude smiles and he's a winner.
fast-forward idol: sweet home chicago
it's truly fast-forward idol this week. i've downloaded about fifteen different players and rapidshare files and things i'm sure will clog up my computer like a nasty new york sewer in order to do something that seems quite remarkable to me: watch last night's episode on one side of my computer screen while i blog about it on the other side.
tonight's guest judge: shania twain. not-so-newbie* says "she has penned some the greatest pop songs..." i love it when not-so uses technical recording industry terms like "penned." dear not-so: people write stuff like that, but nobody actually says it outloud. c'mon you dork. (now. give me a second here as i google "shania twain auto tune". )
by the way, do we think not-so will end up making out with the twainster?
contestent #1. caitlin someone. all she's got is divorce. mom & dad used to come to every performance together, this is the first time he's not there. deadbeat. okay, if dad divorced mom because he's gay, or because he's got down syndrome or something caitlin's got a chance. otherwise it's back to corn fields.
despite my snark, i like her.
simon cowell asks the question anyone who's been through divorce asks (or wants to ask): "who are you siding with?" caitlin sings a duffy song. well. choo-choo is nodding. "i think you've got a voice that could sing a hit song," she says. choo. please. today, martin luther king, jr. has a voice that could sing a hit song. the judges put her through in anticipation of what good tv it will be when they get to show caitlin's mother and father sitting in the audience together. crying.
f-fwd.
contestant #2 (and maybe 3): amy lang. well, i know her friggin' name because she sang it three times. this is what my nephew thinks of when i tell him i'm in theatre. these are the people he thinks i hang out with. amy lang and the cast of glee.
amy lang is a gay man (or two) locked up in a woman's body. wow, it's a laugh riot. no, really. a laugh riot. that didn't work.
charity vance. 16 year old, from arkansas. she's been singing in the beauty parlor since she was 8. (they have beauty parlors in little rock.) okay, pretty white girl walks into the room and the big black guy lets out a kind of oogy, husky "yeah, yeah." sick randy.
charity is a bit of a riffmeister. with a tiny, but sweet voice. which is perfect, 'cause she's a sweet and tiny girl. simon cowell wants to sign her to a record deal right now. or have dinner.
f-fwd.
next up, the really bad people, the people dressed as animals and brides, and the people who swear at the camera!
angela martin. remember her? she dropped out last year 'cause she had a court date for a warrant. maybe third time's a charm. "i've seen a lot of dreams die, but i would never give up." i am totally buying her story. singing a mary j. blige song that is a perfect, perfect choice. put this girl through again. and of course they do.
f-fwd.
day two in chicago. "this is a town of big talent," says blandy jackson. "jennifer hudson...kanye." these are the two big talents from chicago that spring to mind for blandy.
curly gone sing maxwell. "y'all ready?" curly says. f-fwd. next girl. f-fwd. skip to brian "screw you sgt. hart, i'm the next american idol" krause singing tiny tim. "tip toe that-a-way brian."
f-fwd.
chicago's own harold davis. "when i walk into the judges room, i'm gonna shoot off like a rocket." they tell him no, and he starts to cry. wow.
john park from northbrook, il. please god, sing. okay park-oo, nice work! the twainster and not-so are "very surprised" because, you know, most asian people sing like this.
john park is through.
paige the-tschochke. singing sam cooke. after much consternation, everyone but simon puts her through. and oh, she has asthma.
asthma.
cripes, now we've got downs, divorce, warrant, spina bifida, alzheimers, cancer, and nigeria.
i still pick nigeria, but i'm leaning toward warrant.
tonight's guest judge: shania twain. not-so-newbie* says "she has penned some the greatest pop songs..." i love it when not-so uses technical recording industry terms like "penned." dear not-so: people write stuff like that, but nobody actually says it outloud. c'mon you dork. (now. give me a second here as i google "shania twain auto tune". )*note: last year, the female judge who was not paula abdul was labeled newbie on this blog. she not so new no mo.random contestant: "i believe i have what it takes to be america's next top model" ftw.
by the way, do we think not-so will end up making out with the twainster?
contestent #1. caitlin someone. all she's got is divorce. mom & dad used to come to every performance together, this is the first time he's not there. deadbeat. okay, if dad divorced mom because he's gay, or because he's got down syndrome or something caitlin's got a chance. otherwise it's back to corn fields.
despite my snark, i like her.
simon cowell asks the question anyone who's been through divorce asks (or wants to ask): "who are you siding with?" caitlin sings a duffy song. well. choo-choo is nodding. "i think you've got a voice that could sing a hit song," she says. choo. please. today, martin luther king, jr. has a voice that could sing a hit song. the judges put her through in anticipation of what good tv it will be when they get to show caitlin's mother and father sitting in the audience together. crying.
f-fwd.
contestant #2 (and maybe 3): amy lang. well, i know her friggin' name because she sang it three times. this is what my nephew thinks of when i tell him i'm in theatre. these are the people he thinks i hang out with. amy lang and the cast of glee.
amy lang is a gay man (or two) locked up in a woman's body. wow, it's a laugh riot. no, really. a laugh riot. that didn't work.
charity vance. 16 year old, from arkansas. she's been singing in the beauty parlor since she was 8. (they have beauty parlors in little rock.) okay, pretty white girl walks into the room and the big black guy lets out a kind of oogy, husky "yeah, yeah." sick randy.
charity is a bit of a riffmeister. with a tiny, but sweet voice. which is perfect, 'cause she's a sweet and tiny girl. simon cowell wants to sign her to a record deal right now. or have dinner.
f-fwd.
next up, the really bad people, the people dressed as animals and brides, and the people who swear at the camera!
angela martin. remember her? she dropped out last year 'cause she had a court date for a warrant. maybe third time's a charm. "i've seen a lot of dreams die, but i would never give up." i am totally buying her story. singing a mary j. blige song that is a perfect, perfect choice. put this girl through again. and of course they do.
f-fwd.
day two in chicago. "this is a town of big talent," says blandy jackson. "jennifer hudson...kanye." these are the two big talents from chicago that spring to mind for blandy.
curly gone sing maxwell. "y'all ready?" curly says. f-fwd. next girl. f-fwd. skip to brian "screw you sgt. hart, i'm the next american idol" krause singing tiny tim. "tip toe that-a-way brian."
f-fwd.
chicago's own harold davis. "when i walk into the judges room, i'm gonna shoot off like a rocket." they tell him no, and he starts to cry. wow.
john park from northbrook, il. please god, sing. okay park-oo, nice work! the twainster and not-so are "very surprised" because, you know, most asian people sing like this.
john park is through.
paige the-tschochke. singing sam cooke. after much consternation, everyone but simon puts her through. and oh, she has asthma.
asthma.
cripes, now we've got downs, divorce, warrant, spina bifida, alzheimers, cancer, and nigeria.
i still pick nigeria, but i'm leaning toward warrant.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
fast-forward idol: welcome to hotlanta
8:02 pm.
hotlanta. i love it when cities have nicknames. like clam town. or rubber city. or poky, or clock city, or dogtrot capital, or spamtown, or the big "o," or the corn cob capital of the world.
or frisco. that's short for san francisco, did you know that? isn't that cute? sans the san, eighty-six the a-n-c and you've got frisco. using the nickname frisco is a sure way to let someone know that you've probably never been to san francisco, or spent any real time there. today, when someone asks me, "where do you live?" (and they're always asking) i say "i live in the big apple. the city that never sleeps. america's mecca. father knickerbocker. modern gomorrah. the frog and toe."
fryin' buttcrust is excited about "the depth of the talent pool in the deep south." he's remembering a quiet night he had with gay-kin a few years back at a red lobster. guest judge mary j. blige. i cannot name one mary j. blige song. oh piss off, can you?
dawan robinson. "music is my blood," dawan says. not in my blood. is my blood. dawan sings "lay-tee, we're not together anymore." right, that hit. goner.
kia johnson. 26. great smile (huge.) great hair (big.) great pants (yellow.) great shoes (fuschia.) sings "my heart does go on dan-don." newbie says, "you're nice to look at...when you're performing." hollywood.
every time a black girl riffs they show mary j. usually mary goes, "mm!" under her breath.
jermaine sellers is a church singer whose mother has spina bifida. that's spina bifida ftw. "what if god was one of us." jermaine sang more notes in 15 seconds than my ears could possibly listen to. hollywood.
i want one of the judges to say, "absolutely, yes. 80% yes."
coming up – someone gets arrested on american idol.
8:33 pm.
this 411 chick needs to go. now. (note to self: when you audition for american idol, come up with a line other than "music is my life.")
vanessa wolf, bridge jumper from vonore, tennessee. okay, i wanna laugh at her because she's a backwoods hick (it takes one to know one) but the longer this goes on the more i like her. she's so genuine. and dear. now i want her to be really good. she sings "wagon wheel." she is country. simon calls her authentic. they put her through to hollywood, and she screams! loud! and she kicks! whooo! she's crying. "my mom's gonna have a heart attack," she says through tears. i got 'em too now. wolfy is a major highlight of the last few years.
8:43 pm.
basically nothing happened here that was more exciting than the commercials.
8:56 pm.
holly somebody is a human guitar. she's dressed herself up like a guitar. a human guitar. and her face is the fretboard. that. says. it all. "i'm the next (beat)...great thing!" attention holly. when you can't think what follows the words "i'm the next," you're probably not. randy says she's hilarious even though he didn't laugh once. newbie says, "you know, ordinarily when somone comes in dressed like a guitar..." she's talking about her personal life. hollywood.
mallorie haley from south dakota has the voice, and the composure, and the breasts to go to hollywood. yes. yes. yes. and yes.
9:10 pm.
skiiboski. "heard it through the grapevine." i can't type because i can't stop watching. wait. is it skii blo ski? simon, a resounding no. the other three put him through. i got nothin'.
two cute and skinny 18 year old girls are wearing more makeup than ray jivoff in a g&s. best friends since third grade. (like ray & me.) one girl is good. one is not. (shut. it.) one makes it to hollywood. idol keeps trying to show the losing friend being supportive, but -- woah -- even when she is, it's so pained! someone told her she needs to be happy for her friend, but she just ain't right now.
9:22 pm.
brian walker, sevierville ranger. he sings "superstar." i'm giving him a riffing ticket. he sings two held notes. but the judges are right, there is something there.
here comes the guy who gets arrested. he is a scary person. he won't stop singing. he needs to stfu and listen. mary j. blige is gonna smack him down! he's a freak and he won't leave. he keeps singing the opening to "my cherie amour," badly, as though it's amazing. and he doesn't even get arrested. blech. boring.
9:30 pm.
pants on the ground.
nothing more to say.
hotlanta. i love it when cities have nicknames. like clam town. or rubber city. or poky, or clock city, or dogtrot capital, or spamtown, or the big "o," or the corn cob capital of the world.
or frisco. that's short for san francisco, did you know that? isn't that cute? sans the san, eighty-six the a-n-c and you've got frisco. using the nickname frisco is a sure way to let someone know that you've probably never been to san francisco, or spent any real time there. today, when someone asks me, "where do you live?" (and they're always asking) i say "i live in the big apple. the city that never sleeps. america's mecca. father knickerbocker. modern gomorrah. the frog and toe."
fryin' buttcrust is excited about "the depth of the talent pool in the deep south." he's remembering a quiet night he had with gay-kin a few years back at a red lobster. guest judge mary j. blige. i cannot name one mary j. blige song. oh piss off, can you?
dawan robinson. "music is my blood," dawan says. not in my blood. is my blood. dawan sings "lay-tee, we're not together anymore." right, that hit. goner.
kia johnson. 26. great smile (huge.) great hair (big.) great pants (yellow.) great shoes (fuschia.) sings "my heart does go on dan-don." newbie says, "you're nice to look at...when you're performing." hollywood.
every time a black girl riffs they show mary j. usually mary goes, "mm!" under her breath.
jermaine sellers is a church singer whose mother has spina bifida. that's spina bifida ftw. "what if god was one of us." jermaine sang more notes in 15 seconds than my ears could possibly listen to. hollywood.
i want one of the judges to say, "absolutely, yes. 80% yes."
coming up – someone gets arrested on american idol.
8:33 pm.
this 411 chick needs to go. now. (note to self: when you audition for american idol, come up with a line other than "music is my life.")
vanessa wolf, bridge jumper from vonore, tennessee. okay, i wanna laugh at her because she's a backwoods hick (it takes one to know one) but the longer this goes on the more i like her. she's so genuine. and dear. now i want her to be really good. she sings "wagon wheel." she is country. simon calls her authentic. they put her through to hollywood, and she screams! loud! and she kicks! whooo! she's crying. "my mom's gonna have a heart attack," she says through tears. i got 'em too now. wolfy is a major highlight of the last few years.
8:43 pm.
basically nothing happened here that was more exciting than the commercials.
8:56 pm.
holly somebody is a human guitar. she's dressed herself up like a guitar. a human guitar. and her face is the fretboard. that. says. it all. "i'm the next (beat)...great thing!" attention holly. when you can't think what follows the words "i'm the next," you're probably not. randy says she's hilarious even though he didn't laugh once. newbie says, "you know, ordinarily when somone comes in dressed like a guitar..." she's talking about her personal life. hollywood.
mallorie haley from south dakota has the voice, and the composure, and the breasts to go to hollywood. yes. yes. yes. and yes.
9:10 pm.
skiiboski. "heard it through the grapevine." i can't type because i can't stop watching. wait. is it skii blo ski? simon, a resounding no. the other three put him through. i got nothin'.
two cute and skinny 18 year old girls are wearing more makeup than ray jivoff in a g&s. best friends since third grade. (like ray & me.) one girl is good. one is not. (shut. it.) one makes it to hollywood. idol keeps trying to show the losing friend being supportive, but -- woah -- even when she is, it's so pained! someone told her she needs to be happy for her friend, but she just ain't right now.
9:22 pm.
brian walker, sevierville ranger. he sings "superstar." i'm giving him a riffing ticket. he sings two held notes. but the judges are right, there is something there.
here comes the guy who gets arrested. he is a scary person. he won't stop singing. he needs to stfu and listen. mary j. blige is gonna smack him down! he's a freak and he won't leave. he keeps singing the opening to "my cherie amour," badly, as though it's amazing. and he doesn't even get arrested. blech. boring.
9:30 pm.
pants on the ground.
nothing more to say.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
fast-forward idol: the 2010 edition
8:02 pm.
i'm not sure i can do this.
i'm at an oakwood in mountain view, california with no dvr. no dvr. which means i actually have to do this live. live-blog american idol.
so. just so you know. this may not last long.
besides, these shows early in the season are some of the most painful. i don't know about you, but watching someone sing really, really badly stopped being fun around 2003, when i heard jason trubitt sing dark lady at his karaoke birthday party.
it's not that jason was bad, he was actually quite good. i can't hear dark lady today without thinking of him. jason was actually what can, in extremely – extremely – limited amounts, make karaoke almost bearable. he was not showing off, he was enjoying it. he was just having fun. he was just having fun, singin' some cher.
if jason trubitt shows up on the american idol season premier tonight, no one would be happier.
but then, of course...there's ellen.
8:03 pm.
okay, there's a contestant named chris golightly? i'm in.
8:13 pm.
some random guy in the stadium full of people in boston is taking his shirt off and peecrust forgot his line. tonight, three judges anda beckham an alien.
first up: janet. please, janet. no bare midriff.
8:25 pm.
next: 16-year old maddy curtis. maddy has a down syndrome brother, so i think she should be the next american idol. wait. maddy has a whole family of down syndrome. and she's never caught it? wow. "they see the world in color and we need to see the world that way." and a tear. shit. she wins.
okay, i bet she's good.
she is. randy. "you went to the high note and came back down and actually stayed in key." he means without using auto-tune, i think. if this girl takes all her downs syndrome brothers to hollywood i'll kill her. seriously, someone better be blind, or in a wheelchair, or maddy wins.
next: oops. pat someone. little nerdly. "i've been singing and dancing all my life," says patly. "simon, you're even sassier in person than you are on tv." patrick is the love child of tucker carlson and little edie bouvier.
8:39 pm.
back from commercial. someone from the sopranos. i wanna eat with this guy. he sweats when he eats. that's real.
amadeo diricco? is that it? i sort of love him. he's gonna be good too, isn't he. okay. they're gonna put him through, but i worry this is all he's got. "i don't feel there's any need to be mean to people, unless they deserve it." that's italian. okay...sorry maddy, but the mob trumps down syndrome: amadeo's gonna win.
8:57 pm.
mary doyle. i'm an otako: an anime freak. (chuck? my brother is...nevermind.) mary is gonna get hurt, here. "everyone says that i'm good. my voice coaches, theatre directors." well, there's where she went wrong: listening to theatre directors. "singing is my life." but mary. you need a brother with disability, or a bum leg, or something. and talent.
luke shaffer. red. the girls are wondering if he's gay. benjamin sings "all my lovin" beautifully. both are through to hollywood. and i'm here to tell you that luke...is.
andrew fenlen, grumpy big glasses attitude guy. this character lasted for about ten seconds. he's gonna be good too, because we want to see him next week. whoops, three nos. i think that's a mistake.
9:06 pm.
american idol: here's how musical theatre students sing pop music! (sadly, they're right.)
ashley rodriguez sings alicia keys. i think the girls want a threesome. seriously though, that beckham chick...what is that? that's not human. if randy rolled over on her she'd snap like a twig. am i crazy...this ashley chick looks like baby paula abdul?
tyler gradey. fell out of a tree. titanium arms. "let's get it on." he's through. is randy fatter this year? i thought he went on the cookie diet or something and slimmed down. maybe he ate the wrong cookies. okay...tyler. anyone who's still climbing trees at his age is okay by me. i liked him a lot. you?
oh shit. another hour? i have cheerios to eat.
9:20 pm.
i'm eating a bowl of cereal, so this might be spotty.
lisa olivietti has to step touch before she starts singing. so, do these people really think they're good? or is this just what they say on national television?
beefy mike. singing "yesterday." shaky start, i thought, but got better. beefy asks newbie on a date, but she cheneys and answers some other question. okay, they're interviewing the parents, so beefy is through. peecrest hears beefy mention a date with newbie and immediately pulls him aside. "we should talk," he says. yeah, and here's a six pack of beer. (oldest trick in the book! peecrest is shameless!)
9:30 pm.
oy. this kid is 16, has a grandmother with alzheimer's, and can sing. katie stevens, you're the next american idol.
joshua blalock. 28 with one last shot. "he's an actor" says rob. rob hates american idol. he's in the room now, so this may be difficult. randy: "i could see him in a new group that sings spandau ballet." randy pulled that shit out of his dawg ass, didn't he?! spandau ballet? nice, dawg.
uh. oh. there's someone with cancer?
all bets are off.
9:33 pm.
btw – it was a bowl of kashi heart to heart, not cheerios.
9:41 pm.
a vulture screech. rob liked.
beefy spanish mission boy. "i am cancer free." and he wins. he wins. plus, he's cute. justin "i shoulda been an osmond" williams has the whitest teeth this side of the great salt lake. please let him have, like, four wives.
9:52 pm.
what. is. this. norberto. why are they humoring him? best line of the night: simon to norb - "you sing like a three year old girl, dressed like latoya jackson, with a beard..."
nigerian. bosa mora. i like him already. genuine. he started off okay...but kind of lost it there. the alien smacks down simon cowell (about the eye-rolling) as only a fellow brit could do. and quite seriously. that was one of the most real moments on american idol in a long time. worth all this bad tv? no. but good.
9:59 pm.
the last contestant in boston. "i didn't really listen to secular music." is that what she said? i missed it. leah someone. i'll remember after she wins. "blue skies." she's going through. but do i like her? i can't tell. do you?
okay, so far this year we have to decide between down syndrom, alzheimers, cancer, and nigeria.
i pick nigeria.
(read more "fast-forward idol: 2010")
i'm not sure i can do this.
i'm at an oakwood in mountain view, california with no dvr. no dvr. which means i actually have to do this live. live-blog american idol.
so. just so you know. this may not last long.
besides, these shows early in the season are some of the most painful. i don't know about you, but watching someone sing really, really badly stopped being fun around 2003, when i heard jason trubitt sing dark lady at his karaoke birthday party.
it's not that jason was bad, he was actually quite good. i can't hear dark lady today without thinking of him. jason was actually what can, in extremely – extremely – limited amounts, make karaoke almost bearable. he was not showing off, he was enjoying it. he was just having fun. he was just having fun, singin' some cher.
if jason trubitt shows up on the american idol season premier tonight, no one would be happier.
but then, of course...there's ellen.
8:03 pm.
okay, there's a contestant named chris golightly? i'm in.
8:13 pm.
some random guy in the stadium full of people in boston is taking his shirt off and peecrust forgot his line. tonight, three judges and
first up: janet. please, janet. no bare midriff.
8:25 pm.
next: 16-year old maddy curtis. maddy has a down syndrome brother, so i think she should be the next american idol. wait. maddy has a whole family of down syndrome. and she's never caught it? wow. "they see the world in color and we need to see the world that way." and a tear. shit. she wins.
okay, i bet she's good.
she is. randy. "you went to the high note and came back down and actually stayed in key." he means without using auto-tune, i think. if this girl takes all her downs syndrome brothers to hollywood i'll kill her. seriously, someone better be blind, or in a wheelchair, or maddy wins.
next: oops. pat someone. little nerdly. "i've been singing and dancing all my life," says patly. "simon, you're even sassier in person than you are on tv." patrick is the love child of tucker carlson and little edie bouvier.
8:39 pm.
back from commercial. someone from the sopranos. i wanna eat with this guy. he sweats when he eats. that's real.
amadeo diricco? is that it? i sort of love him. he's gonna be good too, isn't he. okay. they're gonna put him through, but i worry this is all he's got. "i don't feel there's any need to be mean to people, unless they deserve it." that's italian. okay...sorry maddy, but the mob trumps down syndrome: amadeo's gonna win.
8:57 pm.
mary doyle. i'm an otako: an anime freak. (chuck? my brother is...nevermind.) mary is gonna get hurt, here. "everyone says that i'm good. my voice coaches, theatre directors." well, there's where she went wrong: listening to theatre directors. "singing is my life." but mary. you need a brother with disability, or a bum leg, or something. and talent.
luke shaffer. red. the girls are wondering if he's gay. benjamin sings "all my lovin" beautifully. both are through to hollywood. and i'm here to tell you that luke...is.
andrew fenlen, grumpy big glasses attitude guy. this character lasted for about ten seconds. he's gonna be good too, because we want to see him next week. whoops, three nos. i think that's a mistake.
9:06 pm.
american idol: here's how musical theatre students sing pop music! (sadly, they're right.)
ashley rodriguez sings alicia keys. i think the girls want a threesome. seriously though, that beckham chick...what is that? that's not human. if randy rolled over on her she'd snap like a twig. am i crazy...this ashley chick looks like baby paula abdul?
tyler gradey. fell out of a tree. titanium arms. "let's get it on." he's through. is randy fatter this year? i thought he went on the cookie diet or something and slimmed down. maybe he ate the wrong cookies. okay...tyler. anyone who's still climbing trees at his age is okay by me. i liked him a lot. you?
oh shit. another hour? i have cheerios to eat.
9:20 pm.
i'm eating a bowl of cereal, so this might be spotty.
lisa olivietti has to step touch before she starts singing. so, do these people really think they're good? or is this just what they say on national television?
beefy mike. singing "yesterday." shaky start, i thought, but got better. beefy asks newbie on a date, but she cheneys and answers some other question. okay, they're interviewing the parents, so beefy is through. peecrest hears beefy mention a date with newbie and immediately pulls him aside. "we should talk," he says. yeah, and here's a six pack of beer. (oldest trick in the book! peecrest is shameless!)
9:30 pm.
oy. this kid is 16, has a grandmother with alzheimer's, and can sing. katie stevens, you're the next american idol.
joshua blalock. 28 with one last shot. "he's an actor" says rob. rob hates american idol. he's in the room now, so this may be difficult. randy: "i could see him in a new group that sings spandau ballet." randy pulled that shit out of his dawg ass, didn't he?! spandau ballet? nice, dawg.
uh. oh. there's someone with cancer?
all bets are off.
9:33 pm.
btw – it was a bowl of kashi heart to heart, not cheerios.
9:41 pm.
a vulture screech. rob liked.
beefy spanish mission boy. "i am cancer free." and he wins. he wins. plus, he's cute. justin "i shoulda been an osmond" williams has the whitest teeth this side of the great salt lake. please let him have, like, four wives.
9:52 pm.
what. is. this. norberto. why are they humoring him? best line of the night: simon to norb - "you sing like a three year old girl, dressed like latoya jackson, with a beard..."
nigerian. bosa mora. i like him already. genuine. he started off okay...but kind of lost it there. the alien smacks down simon cowell (about the eye-rolling) as only a fellow brit could do. and quite seriously. that was one of the most real moments on american idol in a long time. worth all this bad tv? no. but good.
9:59 pm.
the last contestant in boston. "i didn't really listen to secular music." is that what she said? i missed it. leah someone. i'll remember after she wins. "blue skies." she's going through. but do i like her? i can't tell. do you?
okay, so far this year we have to decide between down syndrom, alzheimers, cancer, and nigeria.
i pick nigeria.
(read more "fast-forward idol: 2010")
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
oh. no. (f-fwd idol dealt a horrible blow)
my television life (and future blogging) just took an awful, terrible turn for the worse:PASADENA, Calif., Aug. 4 – One day after the producers of "American Idol" and Fox network announced that Kara DioGuardi had signed on to return to the show next season, "Idol" judge Paula Abdul wrote on her "verified" Twitter account that she's stepping off the "Idol" gravy train.as a result, the popular tuesdaysblog feature fast-forward idol (dvr-blogging american idol) may never be the same. here, in tribute, are some of the best paula abdul moments (things she said or did, her critiques of contestants, comment on her critiques, etc.) taken directly from last season's fast-forward idol:
"With sadness in my heart, I've decided not to return to 'Idol,' " read tweets posted Tuesday night on Abdul's account. "I'll miss nurturing all the new talent, but most of all I'll [miss] being a part of a show that I helped from day 1 become an international phenomenon."
paula – "two words! standing o." that's actually one word and a letter.
paula – i give you credit for not falling off the edge of the stage.
paula – make the puerto rican dance and sing!
paula – "this is a performance i'd definitely hit repeat in my heart."
paula – "you aborted the things we love most about you, like your magnificent riffing."
paula – just said something kinda nice: "no matter who goes home, you're never going home because you're all changed people and home is a whole different place for you now." sounded nice when she said it. reading it sounds like they're going to be incarcerated at a cia black site in romania.
paula – "that song does sit in a right place and there was a bum note that was loud." thank goodness paula is not addicted to pain killers.
paula – blah blah blah blah blah liked it.
paula – "i love songs. this song allowed you to do magic and infuse."
paula – uses this opportunity to make a joke about simon cowell, and to say the word "relevant." someone, somewhere, drank.
paula – "______________."
paula – "you got special sauce."
paula – "you dare to dance in the pouch of greatness. the palth of greatness. the pouth." then she says "fortune rewards the brave." she's reading too much harry potter.
paula – sometimes i just can't listen to her.
paula – paula said basically nothing.
paula – does her upper lip even move? she just called him a "balladeer," which a week ago she thought was an inner ear infection.
paula – "beauty develops in an era that might not be comfortable." no kidding, she said that. move that upper lip girl! move it!
paula – "i'm glad to see you brought your axe." oh paula. "your intonation and delivery is masterful and effortless." paula abdul wouldn't know intonation if it was injected into her upper lip.
paula – i can't hear a thing paula says because i can't get past the christmas bow that ate burbank.
paula – the dress, the dress.
paula – someone call bill o'reilly: this is a war on christmas.
paula – my mouth drops every time there's a pill nearby.
paula – is paula abdul from new jersey? that make-up. "it's like angels singing?" is she...maybe she's drunk! oh please let her be drunk.
paula – please, somebody, please put some brandy in that coke she's drinking.
paula – she refers to simon as "someone over the pond."
paula – i don't know what paula said.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
the runner-up
“I don’t think it should be a surprise for anyone to hear that I’m gay. I’m proud of my sexuality. I embrace it. It’s just another part of me. [But] I’m trying to be a singer, not a civil rights leader."and last week, american idol winner kris allen was on huckabee. the new issue of rolling stone hits newstands this week.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
fast-forward huckabee: idol hee-haw
i'm watching huckabee, the fox news program starring jim nabors as a former arkansas politician named gomer huckabee.
i swear i just heard gomer say the show was "coming to you from new york city," but he's a dern liar! this show is taped in harrisonville, arkansas, i just know it.
now it's time for the "audience asks carol questions about why she tugs her ear" segment!
the first comma-less question comes from a nice white man in a smart red polo who says, "with the phenomenal conservative movement that we're seeing across the country through the tea party a lot of people are being introduced to the political arena for the first time hoping to keep this movement strong and robust what advice would you give to an individual that was thinking of running for political office for the first time?"
"don't do it!" gomer chortles, slapping his knee in delight! and with that, roy clark and buck owens pop up through some corn stalks and sing a funny hillbilly song!
f-fwd.
gomer is in the "hot seat" now, with a kinda mean-lookin' dame named jamie, and tammy, a lesbian who owns a gun. these two are gonna to take gomer on, and i may have to turn this off.
jamie begins by performing a pre-written question aboutmaria sonia sotomayor. tammy jumps in and gets tough about how important it is to find out about sonia's sexual identity politics.
now the tamster brings up the gays gettin' hitched. gomer says "ya can't go changing marriage because of someone's lifestyle choice." then he sticks a corn-cob pipe in his mouth, takes a swig off a jug of triple-x moonshine, and goes "yee-haw!" tamster gets feisty, saying "hey jethro, we're not changing marriage, we're adding to it!" you know, it's usually the bow-hunks who protest the most that end up being...naw.
f-fwd.
time for american idol winner kris allen. gomer gives kris a big man hug, maybe a little smooch and a pat on the rump. (i know what you're thinking - "wouldn't these two would make a cute couple?!" yeah, but – gomer's nambla card is expired. man-boy fail!)
apparently you're not the only one thinking about a hook-up: gomer, licking his lips, is now looking at little kris like he's a pork chop (i'm not kidding about that.) you can tell he wants to ask the big question. he's dying to ask the question. instead, he asks about simon cowell.
"you were a viola player in high school," gomer says, cocking his head to the side and twirling a lock of his comb-over with a finger. he's really pouring it on thick, but kris isn't going for it. now gomer says "you worked in a church, didn't you? you were a church music leader. church-church-church-church." (this is something they'll have in common, gomer thinks. kris wants to talk about something else.)
going to commercial, gomer shoots kris a playful glance. "when we come back, we're gonna go over to the music area," gomer tells kris. he says "music area" like he's asking a twelve-year old girl to visit alladin's castle. kris looks nervous.
back from commercial now. gomer has his big electric bass guitar strapped on – "we're all strapped up and ready to go!" – but he still wants to chat. "tell me about your wife," gomer says, "you do have a wife, don't you? where is she right now kris? did she come with you, or is she back at the hotel or what?"
gomer has a patriotic american flag shoulder strap for his bass guitar. this has made me nostalgic for the american flag poncho i used to wear in the 5th grade. (only for special events, mind you.)
now kris and gomer are playing yesterday by the beatles because gomer didn't know any kanye.
kris is facing the audience, as one does when performing. but gomer is standing sideways, facing kris. staring at kris. staring intently at kris. this has to be one of the most awkward, uncomfortable things i've ever, ever seen on television and that includes hugh jackman hosting last year's oscars. i'm going to add video of it to this post as soon as it's available.
they're done now, and the audience of white people seemed to enjoy it.
i have to go now.
wow.
UPDATE 5/30/09 – i couldn't find video of gomer and kris allen, but here's gomer and neil sedaka. i wrote neil a fan letter a few years ago and the bitch never wrote me back. now that he's singing "lunch will keep us together" i don't feel quite so bad:
i swear i just heard gomer say the show was "coming to you from new york city," but he's a dern liar! this show is taped in harrisonville, arkansas, i just know it.now it's time for the "audience asks carol questions about why she tugs her ear" segment!
the first comma-less question comes from a nice white man in a smart red polo who says, "with the phenomenal conservative movement that we're seeing across the country through the tea party a lot of people are being introduced to the political arena for the first time hoping to keep this movement strong and robust what advice would you give to an individual that was thinking of running for political office for the first time?"
"don't do it!" gomer chortles, slapping his knee in delight! and with that, roy clark and buck owens pop up through some corn stalks and sing a funny hillbilly song!
f-fwd.
gomer is in the "hot seat" now, with a kinda mean-lookin' dame named jamie, and tammy, a lesbian who owns a gun. these two are gonna to take gomer on, and i may have to turn this off.
jamie begins by performing a pre-written question about
now the tamster brings up the gays gettin' hitched. gomer says "ya can't go changing marriage because of someone's lifestyle choice." then he sticks a corn-cob pipe in his mouth, takes a swig off a jug of triple-x moonshine, and goes "yee-haw!" tamster gets feisty, saying "hey jethro, we're not changing marriage, we're adding to it!" you know, it's usually the bow-hunks who protest the most that end up being...naw.
f-fwd.
time for american idol winner kris allen. gomer gives kris a big man hug, maybe a little smooch and a pat on the rump. (i know what you're thinking - "wouldn't these two would make a cute couple?!" yeah, but – gomer's nambla card is expired. man-boy fail!)
apparently you're not the only one thinking about a hook-up: gomer, licking his lips, is now looking at little kris like he's a pork chop (i'm not kidding about that.) you can tell he wants to ask the big question. he's dying to ask the question. instead, he asks about simon cowell.
"you were a viola player in high school," gomer says, cocking his head to the side and twirling a lock of his comb-over with a finger. he's really pouring it on thick, but kris isn't going for it. now gomer says "you worked in a church, didn't you? you were a church music leader. church-church-church-church." (this is something they'll have in common, gomer thinks. kris wants to talk about something else.)
going to commercial, gomer shoots kris a playful glance. "when we come back, we're gonna go over to the music area," gomer tells kris. he says "music area" like he's asking a twelve-year old girl to visit alladin's castle. kris looks nervous.
back from commercial now. gomer has his big electric bass guitar strapped on – "we're all strapped up and ready to go!" – but he still wants to chat. "tell me about your wife," gomer says, "you do have a wife, don't you? where is she right now kris? did she come with you, or is she back at the hotel or what?"
gomer has a patriotic american flag shoulder strap for his bass guitar. this has made me nostalgic for the american flag poncho i used to wear in the 5th grade. (only for special events, mind you.)
now kris and gomer are playing yesterday by the beatles because gomer didn't know any kanye.
kris is facing the audience, as one does when performing. but gomer is standing sideways, facing kris. staring at kris. staring intently at kris. this has to be one of the most awkward, uncomfortable things i've ever, ever seen on television and that includes hugh jackman hosting last year's oscars. i'm going to add video of it to this post as soon as it's available.
they're done now, and the audience of white people seemed to enjoy it.
i have to go now.
wow.
UPDATE 5/30/09 – i couldn't find video of gomer and kris allen, but here's gomer and neil sedaka. i wrote neil a fan letter a few years ago and the bitch never wrote me back. now that he's singing "lunch will keep us together" i don't feel quite so bad:
Friday, May 29, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
hardcore idol-geeks only
for those of you jonesin' for some type of idol fix because, you know, it's tuesday: danny gokey interviewed by two 12-year old milwaukee girls.
(hat tip tim cuprisin)
(hat tip tim cuprisin)
Saturday, May 23, 2009
laurin kills my idol crush
okay, not really. but she did forward this video, and together we pose a burning question: how come danny gokey was played up all season as the church music leader, and not lil' kris allen?
and if you actually made it through that, you're gonna love this: lil' blondy glambert singing at his high school graduation. warning: this video is only suitable for real american idol wack jobs.
and if you actually made it through that, you're gonna love this: lil' blondy glambert singing at his high school graduation. warning: this video is only suitable for real american idol wack jobs.
Friday, May 22, 2009
the bitter little idol
all those 13-year olds dreaming about a duet between a former american idol runner-up and the current american idol runner-up are soon gonna be hackin' at their little wrists with meat knives 'cause it just ain't gonna happen, trick.
despite his success since coming in second to reuben studdard in 2003, clay aiken still sounds like a bitter non-winner, especially when he's dissing adam lambert. from the ultimate membership portion of clay aiken's subscriber only blog (a $29.95 annual fee that, believe me, i did not pay):
what was tuesdays take on lambert's "ring of fire" ?
despite his success since coming in second to reuben studdard in 2003, clay aiken still sounds like a bitter non-winner, especially when he's dissing adam lambert. from the ultimate membership portion of clay aiken's subscriber only blog (a $29.95 annual fee that, believe me, i did not pay):
"This year, I happened to turn [American Idol] on during the minute that Adam Lambert was singing "Ring of Fire" and, at that moment, thought my ears would bleed. Contrived, awful, and slightly frightening! I wasn't really a fan and found myself surprised whenever folks told me that they liked him."clame-oh has obviously had a change of heart since earlier in the season when he showed up unannounced on the idol set hoping to talk glambert into an album of duets and maybe a concert tour but was ushered off the set by the idol higher-ups: "everyone knows -- certainly clay knows -- he's persona non grata around here.''
what was tuesdays take on lambert's "ring of fire" ?
"this is soooooo gay. indulgent. i would say that this is really, really brave if he hadn't already done tons of stuff like this before. but this is who he is, it's nothing new. i'm not a fan tonight."i don't, however, recall my ears bleeding.
UPDATE 5/24/09 – gaiken takes it all back, even though, in his words, "Lambert probably doesn't care about what I said."
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
f-fwd idol wrap: two gays guys
during the filming of this foggy, dramatic opening, with adam and kris standing alone on stage, the audience apparently stayed silent for a while, but then began chanting "adam... adam... adam."
randy jackson trades in the used car salesman look for the giant ten year-old boy look. if newbie-wanna-moley called me sweetie i'd kick her. especially after that turd she layed last night. paula has trouble with big words, yes.
BLINDY!! ohh...be still my beating heart. blindy returns for what appears to be the white party. i liked this number much better on glee last night. (did you watch?)
david cook. not so good. david, i'm living in hell right now. this song is taking forever to get started. i've changed the station by now. i'm rustling through a desk drawer looking for my copy of the watchtower. i'm flossing. i'm doing my taxes. i'm doing my friend's taxes. hold on, this is what we waited for? you yelling on pitch for a really long time? if i wanted that i coulda just listened to idina menzel's album. that was a good three minutes i will never get back.
oh. great. it was about his dead brother. and we're gonna donate money to fight cancer. i feel like an idiot now. i still didn't like it. and i coulda spent those three minutes fighting cancer.
does anyone else think nick mitchell is the next paul lynde/alan seuss/charles nelson reilly/rip taylor? this lil rounds/queen latifah song is a hot pitchy mess, but lil's booty actually looks just kinda big next to latifah's. (maybe that was the idea.) here's the real deal: jason mraz. does jason have a lazy eye? blindy! look at blindy snappin! ahhh...memories. could next season be a "no loungy final chords" zone?
seriously. kris allen. sweet.
keith urban is truly one of the most handsome men i've ever seen. (right hewitt?) what if kris allen and keith urban smooched a bit during this song? just a little, nothing sloppy.
fergie. peas!! this is fun. WOW! there was a censored lyric for ya. smooth, fox. hey, remember the days when, during the final measures of "my way" frank sinatra would say "frank sinatra! 1969! my new album drops next month, baby!"
wow. seacrest eyes bikini girl's new front chassis and says "i was gonna ask 'what's new,' but i think i know." keep it classy, peehead.
okay. i'm sort of shell shocked here. nwm comes out to sing with bikini girl, and it turns ugly. really, really ugly. bikini girl is obviously perturbed, and nwm looks like a bitter johnny-come-lately.
ladies and gentlemen, cyndi lauper and the crotch shot heard round the world. now we know where she keeps her auto-harp.
is kris allens's dad a minister? (is kris allen's dad gay?)
danny gokey sings with lionel ritchie, who looks like he just came from impacted wisdom teeth surgery. or he's storing nuts for the winter.
okay, this adam lambert birdcage costume is it. would he have worn this during the competition? beth. he sounds amazing. he's gonna perform with kiss: f*cking fantastic. this is exactly what he should be singing, what he should be doing, what we have to look forward to from adam lambert, i hope: show, glam, pomp and circumstance. the rebirth of david bowie, elton john, iggy pop, alice cooper. this is a concert i would go to.
so, if adam is bowie/elton/alice, is kris kenny loggins/dan fogelberg/james taylor?
moley becomes scoopy, and no farewell appearance for the mole. show choir santana. where's blindy!? there's still time for him to walk off the stage! steve martin on american idol: how did this happen? listen to chubs sing steve martin's song: there's so much phony technique he can't sing a simple melody. slipping and sliding in and around every note. dude, pick a note and sing it.
danny gokey has not sounded good tonight. please bring out rod stewert. and soon. 16 ounces anyone? oh wow. rod is wasted. or is he just old? no, wasted. or has he had a stroke? no, wasted. good for you rod, the seventies are not over, no matter what elton tells you. the twelve year old running sound doesn't knows there's a guitar solo here.
janice dickenson is a scary, scary slop of skin and bones and lips. i'm gonna have bad dreams.
we couldn't possibly make it through the end of the season without this annoying, crying, laughing joke named tatiana. do they realize all the encouragement they're giving to the tatianas of the world?
wow. it's a 70's-off. queen. seriously, this is the duet song they choose when kris allen is one of the finalists? what are they trying to tell us? (and him?) who in their right mind decided to have those back up singers wave their arms like that?
kris allen is a midget. he's smaller than seacrust.
kris wins.
wow. that's pretty much the upset of the season. kris didn't even expect it. "adam deserves this." but kris needed to win more than adam did. think he's overwhelmed? this makes me happy. i like a good underdog story, don't you?
adam is free, kris gets a recording contract.
the best of all possible worlds.
randy jackson trades in the used car salesman look for the giant ten year-old boy look. if newbie-wanna-moley called me sweetie i'd kick her. especially after that turd she layed last night. paula has trouble with big words, yes.BLINDY!! ohh...be still my beating heart. blindy returns for what appears to be the white party. i liked this number much better on glee last night. (did you watch?)
david cook. not so good. david, i'm living in hell right now. this song is taking forever to get started. i've changed the station by now. i'm rustling through a desk drawer looking for my copy of the watchtower. i'm flossing. i'm doing my taxes. i'm doing my friend's taxes. hold on, this is what we waited for? you yelling on pitch for a really long time? if i wanted that i coulda just listened to idina menzel's album. that was a good three minutes i will never get back.
oh. great. it was about his dead brother. and we're gonna donate money to fight cancer. i feel like an idiot now. i still didn't like it. and i coulda spent those three minutes fighting cancer.
does anyone else think nick mitchell is the next paul lynde/alan seuss/charles nelson reilly/rip taylor? this lil rounds/queen latifah song is a hot pitchy mess, but lil's booty actually looks just kinda big next to latifah's. (maybe that was the idea.) here's the real deal: jason mraz. does jason have a lazy eye? blindy! look at blindy snappin! ahhh...memories. could next season be a "no loungy final chords" zone?
seriously. kris allen. sweet.
keith urban is truly one of the most handsome men i've ever seen. (right hewitt?) what if kris allen and keith urban smooched a bit during this song? just a little, nothing sloppy.
fergie. peas!! this is fun. WOW! there was a censored lyric for ya. smooth, fox. hey, remember the days when, during the final measures of "my way" frank sinatra would say "frank sinatra! 1969! my new album drops next month, baby!"
wow. seacrest eyes bikini girl's new front chassis and says "i was gonna ask 'what's new,' but i think i know." keep it classy, peehead.
okay. i'm sort of shell shocked here. nwm comes out to sing with bikini girl, and it turns ugly. really, really ugly. bikini girl is obviously perturbed, and nwm looks like a bitter johnny-come-lately.
ladies and gentlemen, cyndi lauper and the crotch shot heard round the world. now we know where she keeps her auto-harp.
is kris allens's dad a minister? (is kris allen's dad gay?)
danny gokey sings with lionel ritchie, who looks like he just came from impacted wisdom teeth surgery. or he's storing nuts for the winter.
okay, this adam lambert birdcage costume is it. would he have worn this during the competition? beth. he sounds amazing. he's gonna perform with kiss: f*cking fantastic. this is exactly what he should be singing, what he should be doing, what we have to look forward to from adam lambert, i hope: show, glam, pomp and circumstance. the rebirth of david bowie, elton john, iggy pop, alice cooper. this is a concert i would go to.
so, if adam is bowie/elton/alice, is kris kenny loggins/dan fogelberg/james taylor?
moley becomes scoopy, and no farewell appearance for the mole. show choir santana. where's blindy!? there's still time for him to walk off the stage! steve martin on american idol: how did this happen? listen to chubs sing steve martin's song: there's so much phony technique he can't sing a simple melody. slipping and sliding in and around every note. dude, pick a note and sing it.
danny gokey has not sounded good tonight. please bring out rod stewert. and soon. 16 ounces anyone? oh wow. rod is wasted. or is he just old? no, wasted. or has he had a stroke? no, wasted. good for you rod, the seventies are not over, no matter what elton tells you. the twelve year old running sound doesn't knows there's a guitar solo here.
janice dickenson is a scary, scary slop of skin and bones and lips. i'm gonna have bad dreams.
we couldn't possibly make it through the end of the season without this annoying, crying, laughing joke named tatiana. do they realize all the encouragement they're giving to the tatianas of the world?
wow. it's a 70's-off. queen. seriously, this is the duet song they choose when kris allen is one of the finalists? what are they trying to tell us? (and him?) who in their right mind decided to have those back up singers wave their arms like that?
kris allen is a midget. he's smaller than seacrust.
kris wins.
wow. that's pretty much the upset of the season. kris didn't even expect it. "adam deserves this." but kris needed to win more than adam did. think he's overwhelmed? this makes me happy. i like a good underdog story, don't you?
adam is free, kris gets a recording contract.
the best of all possible worlds.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
fast-forward idol: two gays guys
i'm nervous, aren't you!? (my voice just shot up two octaves.)
peecrust has abig silver penis microphone! they're in the ginormous, scary nokia cave tonight: hey fellas, on the last night, let's really change it up and put you in front of 7000 people, whaddya think? gee, which one of these guys is used to that? (hint: "look at her, she's wicked!")
it's acoustic vs. glam, conway vs. california, guy-next-door vs. guyliner, david vs. goliath, pat boone vs. elvis, the christian vs. the abomination. randy-in-a-tie wants to sell you a used nissan sentra, a little rust, low mileage. paula got attacked by the killer tanning bed. or she sat in a bathtub of beef bullion cubes overnight.
kris and adam. adam strolls out pointing at people in the audience like he's hillary clinton. (both strong women.) three songs each: their favorite, producer's pick, and newbie wanna moley song which will inevitably be poop-on-a-stick. (what happened to letting some random geek fan in frog jump, tennessee write the last song?)
for all you fans just now setting your tivo as the program starts, ryan sounds the alert that they plan to run long. thanks for that, douchebag – people dvr-ing the show are at at star trek or their kids stupid dance recital. or selling t-shirts in the lobby of a tacky broadway show.
f-fwd.
• adam 1. it's mom and dad glamberace! dad: "well, he was a screamer as a kid!" sure papalambert, but did he wear mom's eyeliner? mad world. oh look, hydraulics and fog. hmm, no screeching yet. i remember that screechy part being much screechier the first time around. was that great? maybe, but only because we know about the crazy flamboyant screechfest coming up later. judges: randy – since i'm dressed like a sixth grade teacher, i'm gonna give you a grade: A+! no...A for adam! nwm – i knew you were gonna win. paula – i knew you were gonna win first. simon – overly theatrical, phantom of the opera. (more christine, i'd say.)
shouldn't kris just go home now? get caught up on grey's?
• kris 1. i'm cashing in my kris music coupon later this week. ain't no sunshine when she's flat! (that note was "gone," babe.) further into the song, he opens up and it's great. not sure i would have picked this tune. judges: randy – plugs the lakers. nice. randy, do you think anyone watching this show knows anything about baseball? nwm – you create an intimate bond with everyone in the audience including my friend cooch mccoocherson the mayoress of coochtown u.s. of cooch. paula – you awaken the spirit in all of us bysimonizing allenizing us. simon – simon say nice things, make kris cry. sweet.
ryan makes simon pick the winner of round one and has little conniption fit while he's at it: "ding-ding-ding!" he says. "ding! ding!" yeah, buttcrust, ding-a-ling.
f-fwd.
• adam 2. change is gonna come. this is pretty remarkable. the fascinating thing about this voice, to me, is that it never seems strained. there is angst here, but not in creating the sound. judges: randy – you just sang your face off and i'm not talking your covergirl queen foundation natural hue. nwm – "best ever." paula – i'll see your "best ever" and add a conniption. "i know with every fiber of my being you will be iconic." simon – you're back in thesaddle game.
what will adam lambert do when he's free of these idol trappings?
f-fwd.
• kris 2. what's going on. this is his deal, right? guitar, low-key. he feels it. i would much rather listen to a concert of kris, look at kris for two hours, than adam lambert, i think. sorry adam...you'd have better costume changes. judges: randy – a little light for me. nwm – you are true to yourself. you're an artist, artist, artist. paula – i know what's goin' on, 'cause i'm layin' off the sauce and i'm halfway to lucid. simon – that was like three friends in my bedroomtelling me i'm a big old gay strumming along to marvin gaye.
• adam 3. nwm song. (whatever the hell it's called.) this is pretty horrid. the song and the performance. if this is what adam leaves us with, kris has a shot. the song is...god. i know twenty people who could write a better song for american idol and one of them is erik nelson's newborn baby. this is adam's worst performance to date. judges: will anyone tell the truth about the song? maybe simon... randy – dude, you can sing the phone book. pitchy! randy said pitchy! somebody drink! nwm – i wrote that. did everyone know i wrote that song? i wrote it, and you...you sang it. paula – paula talks for a full minute without saying anything about what just happened (exactly what it would be like after sex with her.) simon – says, "i'm not gonna judge that song," thereby judging that song. simon then congratulates adam for winning the competition before kris has finished. wait. did ryan just kiss adam lambert? is ryan seacrest gay?
randy was the only judge to tell adam honestly that this performance was ultrabone.
• kris 3. singing the piece of crap that nwm pulled from her underside and they are now forcing him to sing. besides that, it's the same, lame arrangement. and he's flat too. it's the monitors – they couldn't both be that off. i think he sounds better singing this turd of a song than adam did. really, horrible, horrible song. judges: randy – you should be very proud – even though you were flat – because you're gonna lose. nwm – i think that song was too high, but i wrote it for you after listening to you sing week, after week, after week. paula – you are gonna lose. simon – simon makes kris cry again, but for the wrong reason. "you deserve to be standing on this stage tonight, and you will deserve to be there tomorrow night too, when we announce that adam won."
how terribly unfortunate that one of the best groups of idol singers i can remember end the competition having to sing one of the worst idol songs i've ever heard. kara should be working in the produce department at gristedes (but not in my neighborhood.)
ready for this?
winner: kris
runner-up: adam
peecrust has a
it's acoustic vs. glam, conway vs. california, guy-next-door vs. guyliner, david vs. goliath, pat boone vs. elvis, the christian vs. the abomination. randy-in-a-tie wants to sell you a used nissan sentra, a little rust, low mileage. paula got attacked by the killer tanning bed. or she sat in a bathtub of beef bullion cubes overnight.kris and adam. adam strolls out pointing at people in the audience like he's hillary clinton. (both strong women.) three songs each: their favorite, producer's pick, and newbie wanna moley song which will inevitably be poop-on-a-stick. (what happened to letting some random geek fan in frog jump, tennessee write the last song?)
for all you fans just now setting your tivo as the program starts, ryan sounds the alert that they plan to run long. thanks for that, douchebag – people dvr-ing the show are at at star trek or their kids stupid dance recital. or selling t-shirts in the lobby of a tacky broadway show.
f-fwd.
• adam 1. it's mom and dad glamberace! dad: "well, he was a screamer as a kid!" sure papalambert, but did he wear mom's eyeliner? mad world. oh look, hydraulics and fog. hmm, no screeching yet. i remember that screechy part being much screechier the first time around. was that great? maybe, but only because we know about the crazy flamboyant screechfest coming up later. judges: randy – since i'm dressed like a sixth grade teacher, i'm gonna give you a grade: A+! no...A for adam! nwm – i knew you were gonna win. paula – i knew you were gonna win first. simon – overly theatrical, phantom of the opera. (more christine, i'd say.)
shouldn't kris just go home now? get caught up on grey's?
• kris 1. i'm cashing in my kris music coupon later this week. ain't no sunshine when she's flat! (that note was "gone," babe.) further into the song, he opens up and it's great. not sure i would have picked this tune. judges: randy – plugs the lakers. nice. randy, do you think anyone watching this show knows anything about baseball? nwm – you create an intimate bond with everyone in the audience including my friend cooch mccoocherson the mayoress of coochtown u.s. of cooch. paula – you awaken the spirit in all of us by
ryan makes simon pick the winner of round one and has little conniption fit while he's at it: "ding-ding-ding!" he says. "ding! ding!" yeah, buttcrust, ding-a-ling.
f-fwd.
• adam 2. change is gonna come. this is pretty remarkable. the fascinating thing about this voice, to me, is that it never seems strained. there is angst here, but not in creating the sound. judges: randy – you just sang your face off and i'm not talking your covergirl queen foundation natural hue. nwm – "best ever." paula – i'll see your "best ever" and add a conniption. "i know with every fiber of my being you will be iconic." simon – you're back in the
what will adam lambert do when he's free of these idol trappings?
f-fwd.
• kris 2. what's going on. this is his deal, right? guitar, low-key. he feels it. i would much rather listen to a concert of kris, look at kris for two hours, than adam lambert, i think. sorry adam...you'd have better costume changes. judges: randy – a little light for me. nwm – you are true to yourself. you're an artist, artist, artist. paula – i know what's goin' on, 'cause i'm layin' off the sauce and i'm halfway to lucid. simon – that was like three friends in my bedroom
• adam 3. nwm song. (whatever the hell it's called.) this is pretty horrid. the song and the performance. if this is what adam leaves us with, kris has a shot. the song is...god. i know twenty people who could write a better song for american idol and one of them is erik nelson's newborn baby. this is adam's worst performance to date. judges: will anyone tell the truth about the song? maybe simon... randy – dude, you can sing the phone book. pitchy! randy said pitchy! somebody drink! nwm – i wrote that. did everyone know i wrote that song? i wrote it, and you...you sang it. paula – paula talks for a full minute without saying anything about what just happened (exactly what it would be like after sex with her.) simon – says, "i'm not gonna judge that song," thereby judging that song. simon then congratulates adam for winning the competition before kris has finished. wait. did ryan just kiss adam lambert? is ryan seacrest gay?
randy was the only judge to tell adam honestly that this performance was ultrabone.
• kris 3. singing the piece of crap that nwm pulled from her underside and they are now forcing him to sing. besides that, it's the same, lame arrangement. and he's flat too. it's the monitors – they couldn't both be that off. i think he sounds better singing this turd of a song than adam did. really, horrible, horrible song. judges: randy – you should be very proud – even though you were flat – because you're gonna lose. nwm – i think that song was too high, but i wrote it for you after listening to you sing week, after week, after week. paula – you are gonna lose. simon – simon makes kris cry again, but for the wrong reason. "you deserve to be standing on this stage tonight, and you will deserve to be there tomorrow night too, when we announce that adam won."
how terribly unfortunate that one of the best groups of idol singers i can remember end the competition having to sing one of the worst idol songs i've ever heard. kara should be working in the produce department at gristedes (but not in my neighborhood.)
ready for this?
winner: kris
runner-up: adam
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
f-fwd idol: three's company wrap-up!
ben stiller. yeah, never quite got that.
had a long discussion with a good friend today (whostalked followed glamberace for the last two years) about how pre-determined the outcome to the show is. "nobody's backstory was followed as closely, right from the beginning, as adam's and danny's," he claims. "and adam was very, very quick to play down the theater thing, the 'wicked' thing, because he knew that could be the kiss of death. paula mentioned it early on, he quietly acknowledged it and moved on quickly."
last night votefortheworst.com was encouraging voting for gokesburg because they think the producers don't want to sign him to a recording contract (which the winner gets) but they do want to sign glamby. vftw is pushing gokey for the win because it will ultimately free up adam, while forcing the producers to sign danny. thoughts?
1 million votes separating the top two. just like coleman/franken. wow. this ford video is as lame as that ben stiller opening.
do i really need to hear from alicia keys? she is a damn pretty woman though, and quite poised. (i went from straight to gay in one sentence there.) ohmy – this little guy, noah. that dancing looks kinda awkward and desperate. plus he's a little pitchy. (text "alive" to 90999 and reply "yes" to donate $5 to keep a child alive.)
oh, we get to see milwaukee. where are laverne and shirley? where's the beer? where's jeffery dahmer? (this is all i ever hear about milwaukee. that and, "oh, milwaukee! fargo, right?" idiots.) gee. milwaukee looks great, doesn't it? strip malls and a generic hotel room. "he's cute, he's got good glasses, and he lives in milwaukee," says the 8 year old. not any more, jessica. not any more.
except for a brief shot of milwaukee's beautiful art museum, that could have been peoria.
gokewad is first up – does that mean he's safe? no. we have to slog through conway, arkansas and san diego yet. free cheeze dip for life, this is what kris gets from his hometown. okay, did you hear that "we are goin' home to arkansas"? again i ask: how many s's in arkansas? kris's dad says "i ain't kissin' ya man," and then he pulls him in, latches on and gives him a hickey. oh look! – for the parade, kris has a beard! (she's pretty, too.) why didn't we see this much of danny gokey's family? (no cameras in church?)
jordan sparks. battlefield. you better go and getchirama. getchirama. what's getchirama? meh. pat benatar said it better, right tommy?
btw, glee is getting good notices. i think we may have to watch.
will adam take us to some of his favorite hometown "haunts?" hmm. when the show's over, don't you think adam's just gonna say "oh shut up you all, of course i'm gay!"
okay, adam takes us back to a theater program for kids where he "got his start." that was pretty special. and he goes back to his high school? (are these locations all chosen for him, do we think, or did he have some say in it?)
88 million votes. that's a lot of hitting redial. forward thinking katy perry writes a song for the vegas tourism board, brilliantly rhyming "mouth is" and "veg-as." i could have written that song. in fact i did. last night. in my sleep. and i taught it to katy perry today in my spare time. over the phone. on skype. until my skype account ran out and then i twittered her the rest.
results.
kris goes to the finals. wow. what is going through these guys heads now?
danny goes home. i have to say i'm kinda sad. my milwaukee boy is going home. and his life will probably never be the same.
"you are so beautiful" was really, really lovely. he sang that so beautifully. way to go homeboy.
so, does this mean adam wins?
had a long discussion with a good friend today (who
last night votefortheworst.com was encouraging voting for gokesburg because they think the producers don't want to sign him to a recording contract (which the winner gets) but they do want to sign glamby. vftw is pushing gokey for the win because it will ultimately free up adam, while forcing the producers to sign danny. thoughts?
1 million votes separating the top two. just like coleman/franken. wow. this ford video is as lame as that ben stiller opening.
do i really need to hear from alicia keys? she is a damn pretty woman though, and quite poised. (i went from straight to gay in one sentence there.) ohmy – this little guy, noah. that dancing looks kinda awkward and desperate. plus he's a little pitchy. (text "alive" to 90999 and reply "yes" to donate $5 to keep a child alive.)
oh, we get to see milwaukee. where are laverne and shirley? where's the beer? where's jeffery dahmer? (this is all i ever hear about milwaukee. that and, "oh, milwaukee! fargo, right?" idiots.) gee. milwaukee looks great, doesn't it? strip malls and a generic hotel room. "he's cute, he's got good glasses, and he lives in milwaukee," says the 8 year old. not any more, jessica. not any more.
except for a brief shot of milwaukee's beautiful art museum, that could have been peoria.
gokewad is first up – does that mean he's safe? no. we have to slog through conway, arkansas and san diego yet. free cheeze dip for life, this is what kris gets from his hometown. okay, did you hear that "we are goin' home to arkansas"? again i ask: how many s's in arkansas? kris's dad says "i ain't kissin' ya man," and then he pulls him in, latches on and gives him a hickey. oh look! – for the parade, kris has a beard! (she's pretty, too.) why didn't we see this much of danny gokey's family? (no cameras in church?)
jordan sparks. battlefield. you better go and getchirama. getchirama. what's getchirama? meh. pat benatar said it better, right tommy?
btw, glee is getting good notices. i think we may have to watch.
will adam take us to some of his favorite hometown "haunts?" hmm. when the show's over, don't you think adam's just gonna say "oh shut up you all, of course i'm gay!"
okay, adam takes us back to a theater program for kids where he "got his start." that was pretty special. and he goes back to his high school? (are these locations all chosen for him, do we think, or did he have some say in it?)
88 million votes. that's a lot of hitting redial. forward thinking katy perry writes a song for the vegas tourism board, brilliantly rhyming "mouth is" and "veg-as." i could have written that song. in fact i did. last night. in my sleep. and i taught it to katy perry today in my spare time. over the phone. on skype. until my skype account ran out and then i twittered her the rest.
results.
kris goes to the finals. wow. what is going through these guys heads now?
danny goes home. i have to say i'm kinda sad. my milwaukee boy is going home. and his life will probably never be the same.
"you are so beautiful" was really, really lovely. he sang that so beautifully. way to go homeboy.
so, does this mean adam wins?
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