fast-forward idol: dreaded group night

peecrust's über-dramatic opening voice-over: "during the first day in hollywood, 85 idol dreams came to a crashing halt. and now, it's the dreaded group night."

dreaded? really?

rocker mom: "whatever we're gonna do, we're gonna make it creative and different." oh good.

we watch them forming groups. the mavericks. the dreamers. the river city ramblers. the losers. the neapolitans are two black people, two white people, and a strawberry person. fun!

coming up, "incredible auditions you don't want to miss." that, and big mike yelling "push!" into his cell phone (his wife is having a baby.)

i need a snack. anyone ever had an it's-it?

f-fwd.

um. dear american idol. you can't afford to book separate rooms for these people to rehearse in? what a stupid, ugly mess, throwing them all into one big room to fight it out for space. really, really stupid. and not entertaining.

there's big mike. there's the wife on the i-phone. "push!"

it's 3:20 a.m. rocker mom's being pushy, which is a change for her. she's usually just loud and overbearing. the music director calls her out. girl #2 rolls her eyes at her. i roll my eyes at girl #2.

shouldn't more be happening in between these commercials?

f-fwd.

rocker mom is having a melt-down. remind me to never work with this crazy beyatch. oh yeah, she's going home soon.

mike got pulled away because his wife is crowning. over the internet. quite seriously, he's listening to his wife have a baby over his cell phone. so he can be on american idol. i'm sorry, something is effed up there. excuses for missing your child's birth: honey, i'm in afghanistan. acceptable. honey, i'm on american idol. not.

three girls singing in their head. not so much. ed puts them all through. musta been better in the room.

team awesome. meh. and we don't know their "fate" until after the break. i don't really care.

ohhh...more rocker mom drama comin' up too. goody.

f-fwd.

awesome results not so awesome: autism goes home. that sucks. i-phone dad makes it through and thus will miss even more of his child's first days.

neapolitan. singing bad romance, acapulco. the next group says nea-p stole their idea. to sing bad romance, acapulco. here come the second group. singing it better. with better moves. they should all go through. ellen says it was "surreal."

destiny's wild makes it. the next group makes it. just put everyone through! or...

uh-oh. here come the losers. tori kelly sounds good. (so does tari kelly.) maddie penrose wears green glasses, and doesn't sound so hot. mark and kimberley don't sound so good either. the big guy with the glasses cries: "this was a dream. and i was really hoping it would come true. but maybe in another life." yah. maybe.

f-fwd.

some dame quits in the middle of hollywood week. right before her group is to perform. aaaand, they all sort of lose it. no one knows the words. did girlfriend sing everything?

okay, sorry. i needed some peanut butter and jelly toast.

i have to say something. i know this is different, american idol. but as we watch these people cry and sob and whine because they have so much inside them they were hoping to be able to share with people, and because they were on tv two, three times, and because they went to an audition and were called back and eventually got told no... this happens to actors in new york on a daily basis. sometimes two times a day. it happens to actors in chicago, and l.a, and milwaukee, and cleveland too.

not to me, of course. i quit. :)

ladies the gentlemen, the dreamers. "we need to just not go like this the whole time" says a dreamer, step-touching back and forth. "that's gonna look ignorant." yes. ignorant. ignoramus. first of all, they chose a horrible, horrible song. and then they sang it really, really badly. still, three of them get through, including the awful, evil, annoying, rocker mom. i'm sorry, she's a mom, and her child is probably adorable. but she is just...ick.

now i know what peecrust meant by the "dreaded" group night.