the gay boy record party: august 1, 2011

haven't we been here before? this could possibly be a repeat a post from a while back, but i don't really give a rats. these are the songs i love so much, and that prove to the world that i am a proud, white, dork from the midwest who grew up surrounded by really sappy pop music in the 70's. i'm happy to count these songs among my all time, desert island favorites. and i am so not kidding. (these videos were not chosen because of their video content, but because they contained the best quality audio.)

WARNING: by watching these videos, your opinion of me may either be indelibly altered forever... or totally, happily confirmed.

late to the party: the apples in stereo

this band has been around since the early 90's and none of you bitches ever told me about them?

a swift rebuttal: a problem in the ear

in the last several days, big machine records ceo scott borchetta has felt the need to explain taylor swift's grammy performance:

"This is not 'American Idol.' This is not a competition of getting up and seeing who can sing the highest note. This is about a true artist and writer and communicator. It's not about that technically perfect performance.

We had a volume problem in the ear. So, she was concerned that she wasn't able to hear everything in the mix. That's just part of live TV... You're going to have difficulties on occasion.

Maybe she's not the best technical singer. But she's probably the best emotional singer because everybody else who gets up there and is technically perfect, people don't seem to want more of it... She's an extraordinary songwriter and her vocal performances are getting better. Everybody is not perfect on any given day."

i'll say one thing for swift's vocals on grammy night: at least she wasn't auto-tuned.

my new guilty pleasure

two parts b-52's, one part talking heads, a little knack, and a dash of tom tom club equals the ting tings.

more ting tings here.

the future of broadway is gaga

the new york times' jason zinoman thinks broadway should go gaga:

Melding multimedia images with old-fashioned razzle-dazzle, Lady Gaga’s show (which runs through Sunday) manages to integrate theme, image and even some narrative seamlessly into one of the most engrossing dramatic spectacles in town. As a theater critic who has suffered through too many stale, pop-infused musicals, I suggest that Broadway would be smart to follow her lead.

a society that values profitability above all

an article from the miami herald has been popping up on facebook pages and in email blasts over the last couple of days (certainly among us artsy types.) considering the turmoil going on at the skylight right now, it's a worthy read.

Two South Florida dance companies closed recently. West Palm Beach's lively, lovely Ballet Florida filed for bankruptcy two weeks ago, and Miami-Dade's gallant Ballet Gamonet, after months of financial struggle, suspended performances in March and seems unlikely to return.

Meanwhile, American Idol host Ryan Seacrest will get $45 million to stay with the show for another three years, and Goldman Sachs made $4.3 billion in profits from April to June. Presumably, both Goldman execs and Seacrest feel like dancing, though it's doubtful the rest of us would want to watch.

These events may not seem connected, but they are. We've always been a society that values profitability and celebrity above almost all other qualities.

(hat tip valdez)

they don't really care

video of michael jackson rehearsing they don't really care about us at the staples center in los angeles. filmed last wednesday, june 23rd, two days before his death.

the tragedy of his life

from time:

The tragedy of Michael Jackson's death at age 50, reportedly from cardiac arrest, pales in comparison to the tragedy of his life.


To understand all that Jackson had and lost requires wiping away three decades of plastic surgeries that deformed him, erratic behavior that made his name synonymous with the warping powers of fame, and a 2005 trial for sexually abusing a child that, even though he was spared of any finding of wrongdoing, made him a pariah to all but the most brainwashed of fans.

But if you can forgive or forget all that, underneath was one of the most talented entertainers of the 20th century.

one too many jet trails

in a new interview, musical genius prince reveals what we've all suspected for years – he's crazy as a friggin' loon:

Prince upholds [controversial civil-rights activist and comedian Dick] Gregory's opinion on 'chem trails', which claims condensation trails left by passing airplanes are not water vapor but evidence of chemical sprays used by evil forces to disrupt and manipulate society.

"When I was a kid, I used to see these trails in the sky all the time and I'd say, 'Oh, that's cool -- a jet just went over,'" Prince told [Tavis] Smiley. "And then you started to see a whole bunch of them and the next you know, everybody in your neighborhood was fighting and arguing and you didn't know why."

but two of his new albums (there are three, sort of) are really good.

do you want to know a secret?

john lennon, august 1966, in the beatles dressing room at jfk stadium (actually the old locker room for the philadelphia eagles.) one of 3500 recently discovered photographs of the beatles and the rolling stones taken by tour manager bob bonis, many of which are on display until april 14 at new york's not fade away gallery.

boulevard of broken nails

it's not often you get to enjoy a sentence like this in a news story:

"There was still evidence of the rampage Sunday morning, as high-heeled shoes and résumés littered the block."

you're not gonna read that in the kenosha news. tell a new york auditionee she's not gonna be seen for the gig and it's mayhem.

last saturday afternoon there was a stampede at the cattle call for america's next top model. someone yelled "fire" at a crowded audition (literally) and a ruckus ensued that left six people hospitalized, three arrested, and hundreds of other, not-as-tall-as-usual model-wannabes falling short of their dreams (the audition was for models under 5'7" only.)

what's a mini model melee look like? it ain't pretty:

"learn how to stop being so gay"

that's what one of ashton kutcher's twitter followers suggested he do.
kutcher responded:

(hat tip towleroad / sovo)

nick's man of the year!

hey kids! don't forget to vote in nickelodeon's 2009 kids choice awards! you've probably already voted for your favorite female singer (miley cyrus? aw naw!) and your favorite tv show (iCarly or you are so dead to me), but don't forget to vote for nick's 2009 male singer of the year! there's still time to show your favorite guy some love! who are the finalists?

click here to vote for your fav! (hint-hint: c.b. needs some cheerin' up, y'all!)

fast-forward idol: wild card

my first thought: do i have to do this? my second thought: no.

why-oh-why didn't they pick nick midnight or whatever his name is. have i said this before? he's got a career ahead of him. maybe not singing...

• jessie. this would be better if she had a killer voice. judges: randy – "rufussteviewonderchaka written kinda joint." newbie – notes are not "off key," they are off pitch. paula – "i'm impressed with your tenacity," which means jessie's done.

• matt. i got a matty in kalamazoo. way over the top and not really worth it. he's just sung more notes in one phrase than the entire group sang all of last year. judges: newbie wants her some matty. "a little bit over the top at points," ( i.e. have sex with me.) paula – why are you not drunk paula? isn't it fascinating to watch paula abdul struggle to come up with difficult words like "amazing"? simon – "he's taylor hicks." newbie – "no, justin timberlake!" (i.e. will you rub hot oil on my stinky feet?) seacrest – "good luck, okay bro?" ryan - it's not working.

f-fwd.

• megan. she said "jamsiest." wow. i'm using that. eek. sorry girl, all frosting and no cake. judges: paula – the best thing i can say is you picked the right song. simon – "will you rub hot oil on newbie's stinky feet and let me watch?" randy – ugh. okay wait, i thought this was a singing competition? they're all making excuses for her bad singing.
  

• von. is he cute or annoying? another elton song. oh, vonny, you're off key (pitch.) "what do i say when it's all over, baby?" he knows how to yell on key (pitch), that's for sure. judges: what? randy said something intelligent? paula – "i've been studying the way you perform." that made me laugh out loud. he's done i think.

i'm gonna tell you that ricky is gone just by watching him wave at the camera as we go to commercial.

f-fwd.

• jasmine. she perrty. she off key too (pitch.) are all these girls from new jersey? i've seen more sack dresses on this show than a sunday at the willowbrook mall. judges: how many times has this happened this season - we see the shot of the contestant standing, staring, blank-faced, while the judges argue with each other?

• ricky. isn't he feathers on planet unicorn? okay, a really, really bad song choice because i don't care what he does with this song, it'll never sound as good as this. judges: simon is right.

see now, there was anoopy waving at the camera and he was fine. not annoying at all.

f-fwd.

wait. this woman on the ford commercial just said "my name is shy-doom" or some shit.

f-fwd-f-fwd.

• tatiana. if this girl gets through i quit. no kidding. why is she using the largest microphone in all of california? it looks like she's a baby person holding a giant mr. microphone. oy, too much riffing. who is this hugh she's saving all her love for? judges: some producer made them bring her back. simon hates her. newbie – it's like the adventures of tatiana. puke.

• anoopy. singin' bobby brown. he makes me laugh. he's going through. from this group? please. he's having fun, he's on key (pitch.) and he's dorky cute. is he crosseyed? it'll only work in his favor. big long note. yup. big and long. okay, that was fun. look at his mom and dad. wait, which is which? judges: simon – you're like an enthusiastic dog. anoopy pulls the duke card on newbie. she swoons. anoopy gone be the one rubbin' th'oil on her nasty feet ya'll, okerr? paula – look! we've learned a new word this season - relevant!

i say von, jasmine and anoopy.

f-fwd.

jasmine's in – check. now paula is prepping wackjob for rejection. do we need to invite crazy people on our tv shows? they picked megan. and OHMYGOD – one of my favorite moments ever on american idol: paula abdul leaning over the judges desk telling crazytown tatiana, "it's not just gonna be singing for you, you're gonna be an actress too." the scariest part: paula is right.

did ryan seacrest just say "find out who takes the final stool...next"?

okay, the show ran over and my dvr stopped recording at 9 pm. i had to search the internet to find out they're bringing back kalamazoo and anoopy. meh.

don't stop 'til you get enough

proceed at your own risk. not for the faint of heart:

yup. he's back.

fast-forward idol: shoot me

seacrest's intro is why i fast-forward:

"they've said goodbye to their families, they've put their jobs on hold. and they've abandoned their everyday lives."

are these people going on american idol, or going to fight in afghanistan? i don't remember any of these twelve except gaybie mcgayerson. drama mcdramerson. whatever her name is. the mayoress of drama village.

• vaughn? pull it back, vaughny, you're still yelling at us. these judges are so full of shit. newbie – "you took that note." paula – "you're seasoned." seasoned? he's twelve. simon invokes gayken. (is it gaiken?)

f-fwd.

• taylor. from utah, one of my favorite states. i wanna like her, but i don't. sorry utah. judges: newbie – "from the moment we met you you could sing." um, what? "what's it like to go shopping with taylor." yeah, that's what i think when i listen to bruce springsteen. "hey bruce, like this blouse?"

f-fwd.

• dorkulous. i love elton john, so he's in trouble. from the first line, gubbye. OH. woah. he's doing the joe cocker version. WHAT IS THAT and who let him do it? not only is it bad, it hurts. all of us. car wreck. simon will be brutal. judges: simon was brutal. seacrest makes a creatine reference?
  

f-fwd.

• arianna. she's singing ABBA. i hate you all. winner. i may have to fast-forward through her performance. oh no. here it comes. oh god. i'm gonna be sick. dear arianna, what is a melody? i'm having acid-abba-mamma-mia flashbacks. donna. sam. donna. sam. she's singing. you're standing there. don't move. stay with her. standing. standing. she's singing. standing. more standing. big long note. you stand. stand some more. you're gonna run out soon, don't trip. don't trip. when you run out up those stairs don't trip. do i have to do laundry tonight? here it comes. tripping.
  

f-fwd.

• ju'not. "a thousand miles is pretty far, but they've got planes and trains and cars." really? why am i not writing pop songs? there's a minute and thirty-two seconds i will never get back. bye ju'not. judges: newbie want her some ju'not. okay, wait. randy, newbie and paula all liked him? simon...c'mon – oh no, him too? i may need to rewind. no, i can't.
  

f-fwd.

• kristin. better hair. she looks bored and so am i. judges: newbie – "you are a great singer." is it acid-reflux, or am i gonna spit up? simon – "looking like your mum styled you to go to a pageant." exactly. "i'm not sure who you are," he says. i know who she is: gone.
  

• miss nathaniel. i thought they got rid of him a long time ago.

okay, pause.

i have to say this. bless his heart he's probably a decent guy deep down but there is something about nathaniel that turns me completely off. as a gay man. it's not that he's a little effeminate, or the way he dresses. it's the style, the attitude, the drama. none of it strikes me as authentic. or honest. not one ounce.

we struggle so much, as gay men, to find that place where we can be, forgive me, free. honest and open about who we are, and not afraid to "act" a certain way, or laugh a certain way. it's a difficult journey to shed all of the crap that's been put on you all your life. someone's going to know. someone's going to point. someone's going to call you names. someone's going to beat you up. someone's going to hurt you. you should be ashamed. you are ashamed. and so on.

but when you do shed that crap, when you can...when you're finally in a room full of people you know are not going to look at you funny, or snicker behind your back, or worse...it's like the weight of the world has been lifted off your shoulders. and you can suddenly be, i'm sorry i don't know how else to say it, free.

i feel like nathaniel is still playing a part. he's not free. he wants us to think he is, but there's a thick layer of dishonesty there that is so evident.

and he's a little pitchy.

okay, i'm back. nathaniel, that'll be $50

f-fwd.

• felicia. meh. judges: paula – liked her. simon – "pauler." randy says something stupid that simon knows is stupid and we catch simon reacting to how stupid whatever the stupid thing was that randy said.

• blindy mcblinderson. (no offense, i love stevie wonder, okay?) oh god he's moving. be careful! am i crazy to be worried for him? where's his handler? that was awful, but i'm seriously worried he might walk off the edge of the stage. i'm going to hell, but wouldn't that be a good youtube? if he got really into the tune, and walked right off the stage? judges: randy – i feel bad for you because you're blind. newbie – WHAT? "you move mountains?" paula – how soon before she says blessed? NATCH! simon – did he just say, "i wasn't mental about some of the lyrics?" wait, blindy just said "we've seen all the footage." is he not blind? or...partially blind? (hell, party of me.)

f-fwd.

• is it bad that i want kendal beard to have a beard? judges: paula – "it's magical being up on that stage, isn't it? i hope you enjoyed it." i.e. later beardie. simon – "half-way through i couldn't wait for it to end."
  

• jorge. puerto rico. el nino can hold a note at least. i don't hate him. i don't hate him at all. did he just sing "loosing everything"? judges: paula – make the puerto rican dance and sing! newbie – "you were born to sing." newbie, you're a dope. "oh my god, you're crying, it's so cute!" jorge is going through. he's adorable, he's memorable, he's not bad, and he's different from everyone else.
  

• lil' rounds. this is the real deal. and she's a real person. she goin' thru too.

picks: lil rounds, jorge, and vaughn. or blindy. (aaand hell.)

thou shalt not worship false ______.

thoughts on tonight's disaster show:

1. who comes up with the confusing idea "these 12 contestants and these 12 and these 12 and...from these 12 we pick three and then three more over here, and here, and that equals nine and then"...i mean...WHAT? this isn't college basketball.

2. watching this show is like every pre-screen audition happening in new york city every day of the week in that randy, paula and those other people are the casting directors who think they should be giving acting notes, but really end up saying ridiculous things like...well, pretty much anything they say.

3. so, this is new: the idol-wannabe-person sings their song, they get critiqued, and then ryan girlcrest starts an interview with the idol-person's parents or their girlfriend or their best friend's college roommate. shortly after the interview starts, ryan has to stop because the idol-person has arrived after running up the big hello dolly staircase and they want to hug their parents or girlfriend or whatever. aawwwwkward. stupid and awkward. i'm a dorky white guy who grew up in wisconsin and i could have told you in a matter of seconds that it wasn't gonna work.

4. here's what else doesn't work: ryan seacrest crossing his legs. dear ryan, if you have any hopes of pulling the wool over the eyes of the last three people in america who don't know your a queerbag (okay, a power-bi) you better uncross those legs, girrrl.

5. this stevie wright chick is gone with a capital buh-bye. this is karaoke (the kind i actually like, where the singer is bad.) and ohhh shit. she's gonna cry.

6. they're giving the anoop guy a pass. i'm not going there. why doesn't anyone call him "anoopy"?

7. no matter how charming these people are when they perform or get critiqued, and please – let's not beat around the bush, they're charming – what is most charming is watching them mug to the camera while ryan girlcrest is giving out their idol-wannabe phone number. making goo-goo eyes, tilting your head like a puppy and mouthing "vote one! one-one-one!" is really gonna convince me.

8. ry-ry g-crest keeps saying "if you like what you've heard so far, you can" go to itunes and throw money away or...ugh. so, my question of course is...what do i do if i haven't liked what i've heard so far?

9. the good news: danny gokey is coming up.

10. this dame from minneapolis is not very authentic. (wtf. authentic.)

11. barack obama is the president. na-na.

12. how many more times do we need to hear some dope sitting behind a table say "nooooobody goes near those songs, nobody touches _________." (fill in the blank with whatever original artist's song was just butchered.)

13. this poor mom. casey's mom? she's going way overboard saying "we love you" and "vote for casey!" and it's kind of embarrassing. really, why parents?

14. i would turn straight for one night for heidi klum.

15. michael sarver was a roughneck. no roughnecking by the pool.

16. simon is still usually right. he speaks truth to idols, calls out cheesy keyboards and cruise ship arrangements. paula isn't drunk anymore, which is unfortunate for america. randy still pulls crap out his ass on a regular basis. there are times i don't think even he knows what he means. the new girl: "kill it," and "you have to kill it," and "you killed it." ugh. i'm tired.

17. girlcrest just said the roughneck was wearing a pretty shirt.

18. attention ann marie bluedress: nobody goes near "natural woman," okay? (and good thing, neither did you. oy.)

19. i'm all critical of these people getting up there and singing and being on american idol...if it was me? i'd end up a blubbering mess in the corner. so. take it all with a grain of salt. that said...

20. kill it.

21. when one of the judges says any of these words – "for me..." "that song choice..." or "hotel singer" – things aren't going well.

22. i was kidding about heidi klum.

23. i have to fast forward now. nobody goes near michael jackson's "rock with you", okay?

24. ohmygod i didn't fast forward and now i think i'm gonna hurl.

25. what? tatiana? what? she was laughable, but none of those judges were laughing. some producer is telling them to keep her. she just rubbed ryan's shoulder, he pursed his lips and said he was distracted by it. (he was hoping it was tatiana's friend rubbing his shoulder.)

26. have they saved the best for last?

27. do we need to hear every week that danny gokey's wife just died? really? and now he's singing a song called "hero"? how much would we like it if we didn't know the wife story?

28. advice to every singer everywere (not just on idol) – less riffing please. or better yet: no riffing.

29. answer to number 26 – yes, by far. but simon was still right.

not that i'm watching...

...but only one of the milwaukee guys (danny gokey) made it through to the next round on american idol (the top 36.) and since we're on the subject:

• i just wrote this sentence prematurely: thank god they nixed that completely annoying tatiana del toro girl. unfortunately, she's staying. (what douchbag producer thought it was a good idea to keep this girl?)

• then there's sally crybaby. wow, he needed to go-go (guess what mary, everyone is one of those kids, okay?) but he's staying too. (she not gonna have time for therapy if she gotta be derin' idol, perples!)

• both bears made it through (andrew sullivan will be happy) and both my personal favorites made it through.

• these sing-off deals: since they were singing for their lives, do the losers get shipped to some foreign country where they will be waterboarded and put in stress positions?

• one more thing: can alec baldwin win an award for acting in a commercial? did you see that hula ad? i haven't had a more enjoyable 60 seconds since...well, this morning.

book 'em danno, she's five-O

in august of this year, madonna louise ciccone ritchie will be 50 years old. 50. fifty. fifty-fifty-fifty. and she likes to shimmy, do plies, stretch aaand kick! she's a choo-choo charley and a class act. and i'm here to tell you: her new album is the jam. yes, i said the jam. it is also dope, tight, chill, pimp, sick, loose, phat, hella, gnarly, the shit, the crunk, off the hook, off the chain, and wicked fresh hott. and i am so not kidding.

(seriously. did you ever think we'd be talking about madonna at fifty?)

a few idol questions

i'm not blogging american idol. but i'm watching last night's show and i have a few questions:

1. hey dreads: what are those pesky words to "somewhere over the rainbow"? (okay, okay -- i should be saying "hey iz" since it's his version, but iz is gone and dreads is singing it, so shut up you.)

2. what is going on with paula abdul's boobs in that dress? they're pushed up so high that her chest is half dolly parton, half iggy pop.

3. how long before sigh-yeesh-ugh gets booted and stars in a broadway show?

4. hey david-generic-rocker-dude: what does it mean when you end your song at the "judges" table, i stop looking at you and instead watch simon (he's more interesting) and i end up missing you holding out your hand with "give back" scrawled on your palm?

5. okay, wow: did anyone else see the scrawny ten year old girl in the audience holding up a big sign with david archuleta's picture and the phrase "lick those lips"? gah. ross. (he's still the best one, by the way.)