fast-forward idol: shoot me

seacrest's intro is why i fast-forward:

"they've said goodbye to their families, they've put their jobs on hold. and they've abandoned their everyday lives."

are these people going on american idol, or going to fight in afghanistan? i don't remember any of these twelve except gaybie mcgayerson. drama mcdramerson. whatever her name is. the mayoress of drama village.

• vaughn? pull it back, vaughny, you're still yelling at us. these judges are so full of shit. newbie – "you took that note." paula – "you're seasoned." seasoned? he's twelve. simon invokes gayken. (is it gaiken?)

f-fwd.

• taylor. from utah, one of my favorite states. i wanna like her, but i don't. sorry utah. judges: newbie – "from the moment we met you you could sing." um, what? "what's it like to go shopping with taylor." yeah, that's what i think when i listen to bruce springsteen. "hey bruce, like this blouse?"

f-fwd.

• dorkulous. i love elton john, so he's in trouble. from the first line, gubbye. OH. woah. he's doing the joe cocker version. WHAT IS THAT and who let him do it? not only is it bad, it hurts. all of us. car wreck. simon will be brutal. judges: simon was brutal. seacrest makes a creatine reference?
  

f-fwd.

• arianna. she's singing ABBA. i hate you all. winner. i may have to fast-forward through her performance. oh no. here it comes. oh god. i'm gonna be sick. dear arianna, what is a melody? i'm having acid-abba-mamma-mia flashbacks. donna. sam. donna. sam. she's singing. you're standing there. don't move. stay with her. standing. standing. she's singing. standing. more standing. big long note. you stand. stand some more. you're gonna run out soon, don't trip. don't trip. when you run out up those stairs don't trip. do i have to do laundry tonight? here it comes. tripping.
  

f-fwd.

• ju'not. "a thousand miles is pretty far, but they've got planes and trains and cars." really? why am i not writing pop songs? there's a minute and thirty-two seconds i will never get back. bye ju'not. judges: newbie want her some ju'not. okay, wait. randy, newbie and paula all liked him? simon...c'mon – oh no, him too? i may need to rewind. no, i can't.
  

f-fwd.

• kristin. better hair. she looks bored and so am i. judges: newbie – "you are a great singer." is it acid-reflux, or am i gonna spit up? simon – "looking like your mum styled you to go to a pageant." exactly. "i'm not sure who you are," he says. i know who she is: gone.
  

• miss nathaniel. i thought they got rid of him a long time ago.

okay, pause.

i have to say this. bless his heart he's probably a decent guy deep down but there is something about nathaniel that turns me completely off. as a gay man. it's not that he's a little effeminate, or the way he dresses. it's the style, the attitude, the drama. none of it strikes me as authentic. or honest. not one ounce.

we struggle so much, as gay men, to find that place where we can be, forgive me, free. honest and open about who we are, and not afraid to "act" a certain way, or laugh a certain way. it's a difficult journey to shed all of the crap that's been put on you all your life. someone's going to know. someone's going to point. someone's going to call you names. someone's going to beat you up. someone's going to hurt you. you should be ashamed. you are ashamed. and so on.

but when you do shed that crap, when you can...when you're finally in a room full of people you know are not going to look at you funny, or snicker behind your back, or worse...it's like the weight of the world has been lifted off your shoulders. and you can suddenly be, i'm sorry i don't know how else to say it, free.

i feel like nathaniel is still playing a part. he's not free. he wants us to think he is, but there's a thick layer of dishonesty there that is so evident.

and he's a little pitchy.

okay, i'm back. nathaniel, that'll be $50

f-fwd.

• felicia. meh. judges: paula – liked her. simon – "pauler." randy says something stupid that simon knows is stupid and we catch simon reacting to how stupid whatever the stupid thing was that randy said.

• blindy mcblinderson. (no offense, i love stevie wonder, okay?) oh god he's moving. be careful! am i crazy to be worried for him? where's his handler? that was awful, but i'm seriously worried he might walk off the edge of the stage. i'm going to hell, but wouldn't that be a good youtube? if he got really into the tune, and walked right off the stage? judges: randy – i feel bad for you because you're blind. newbie – WHAT? "you move mountains?" paula – how soon before she says blessed? NATCH! simon – did he just say, "i wasn't mental about some of the lyrics?" wait, blindy just said "we've seen all the footage." is he not blind? or...partially blind? (hell, party of me.)

f-fwd.

• is it bad that i want kendal beard to have a beard? judges: paula – "it's magical being up on that stage, isn't it? i hope you enjoyed it." i.e. later beardie. simon – "half-way through i couldn't wait for it to end."
  

• jorge. puerto rico. el nino can hold a note at least. i don't hate him. i don't hate him at all. did he just sing "loosing everything"? judges: paula – make the puerto rican dance and sing! newbie – "you were born to sing." newbie, you're a dope. "oh my god, you're crying, it's so cute!" jorge is going through. he's adorable, he's memorable, he's not bad, and he's different from everyone else.
  

• lil' rounds. this is the real deal. and she's a real person. she goin' thru too.

picks: lil rounds, jorge, and vaughn. or blindy. (aaand hell.)