but adam, it's not that it was offensive...

...it's that it wasn't good.

the runner-up

“I don’t think it should be a surprise for anyone to hear that I’m gay. I’m proud of my sexuality. I embrace it. It’s just another part of me. [But] I’m trying to be a singer, not a civil rights leader."

and last week, american idol winner kris allen was on huckabee. the new issue of rolling stone hits newstands this week.

the bitter little idol

all those 13-year olds dreaming about a duet between a former american idol runner-up and the current american idol runner-up are soon gonna be hackin' at their little wrists with meat knives 'cause it just ain't gonna happen, trick.

despite his success since coming in second to reuben studdard in 2003, clay aiken still sounds like a bitter non-winner, especially when he's dissing adam lambert. from the ultimate membership portion of clay aiken's subscriber only blog (a $29.95 annual fee that, believe me, i did not pay):

"This year, I happened to turn [American Idol] on during the minute that Adam Lambert was singing "Ring of Fire" and, at that moment, thought my ears would bleed. Contrived, awful, and slightly frightening! I wasn't really a fan and found myself surprised whenever folks told me that they liked him."

clame-oh has obviously had a change of heart since earlier in the season when he showed up unannounced on the idol set hoping to talk glambert into an album of duets and maybe a concert tour but was ushered off the set by the idol higher-ups: "everyone knows -- certainly clay knows -- he's persona non grata around here.''

what was tuesdays take on lambert's "ring of fire" ?

"this is soooooo gay. indulgent. i would say that this is really, really brave if he hadn't already done tons of stuff like this before. but this is who he is, it's nothing new. i'm not a fan tonight."

i don't, however, recall my ears bleeding.

UPDATE 5/24/09 – gaiken takes it all back, even though, in his words, "Lambert probably doesn't care about what I said."

f-fwd idol wrap: two gays guys

during the filming of this foggy, dramatic opening, with adam and kris standing alone on stage, the audience apparently stayed silent for a while, but then began chanting "adam... adam... adam."

randy jackson trades in the used car salesman look for the giant ten year-old boy look. if newbie-wanna-moley called me sweetie i'd kick her. especially after that turd she layed last night. paula has trouble with big words, yes.

BLINDY!! ohh...be still my beating heart. blindy returns for what appears to be the white party. i liked this number much better on glee last night. (did you watch?)

david cook. not so good. david, i'm living in hell right now. this song is taking forever to get started. i've changed the station by now. i'm rustling through a desk drawer looking for my copy of the watchtower. i'm flossing. i'm doing my taxes. i'm doing my friend's taxes. hold on, this is what we waited for? you yelling on pitch for a really long time? if i wanted that i coulda just listened to idina menzel's album. that was a good three minutes i will never get back.

oh. great. it was about his dead brother. and we're gonna donate money to fight cancer. i feel like an idiot now. i still didn't like it. and i coulda spent those three minutes fighting cancer.

does anyone else think nick mitchell is the next paul lynde/alan seuss/charles nelson reilly/rip taylor? this lil rounds/queen latifah song is a hot pitchy mess, but lil's booty actually looks just kinda big next to latifah's. (maybe that was the idea.) here's the real deal: jason mraz. does jason have a lazy eye? blindy! look at blindy snappin! ahhh...memories. could next season be a "no loungy final chords" zone?

seriously. kris allen. sweet.

keith urban is truly one of the most handsome men i've ever seen. (right hewitt?) what if kris allen and keith urban smooched a bit during this song? just a little, nothing sloppy.

fergie. peas!! this is fun. WOW! there was a censored lyric for ya. smooth, fox. hey, remember the days when, during the final measures of "my way" frank sinatra would say "frank sinatra! 1969! my new album drops next month, baby!"

wow. seacrest eyes bikini girl's new front chassis and says "i was gonna ask 'what's new,' but i think i know." keep it classy, peehead.

okay. i'm sort of shell shocked here. nwm comes out to sing with bikini girl, and it turns ugly. really, really ugly. bikini girl is obviously perturbed, and nwm looks like a bitter johnny-come-lately.

ladies and gentlemen, cyndi lauper and the crotch shot heard round the world. now we know where she keeps her auto-harp.

is kris allens's dad a minister? (is kris allen's dad gay?)

danny gokey sings with lionel ritchie, who looks like he just came from impacted wisdom teeth surgery. or he's storing nuts for the winter.

okay, this adam lambert birdcage costume is it. would he have worn this during the competition? beth. he sounds amazing. he's gonna perform with kiss: f*cking fantastic. this is exactly what he should be singing, what he should be doing, what we have to look forward to from adam lambert, i hope: show, glam, pomp and circumstance. the rebirth of david bowie, elton john, iggy pop, alice cooper. this is a concert i would go to.

so, if adam is bowie/elton/alice, is kris kenny loggins/dan fogelberg/james taylor?

moley becomes scoopy, and no farewell appearance for the mole. show choir santana. where's blindy!? there's still time for him to walk off the stage! steve martin on american idol: how did this happen? listen to chubs sing steve martin's song: there's so much phony technique he can't sing a simple melody. slipping and sliding in and around every note. dude, pick a note and sing it.

danny gokey has not sounded good tonight. please bring out rod stewert. and soon. 16 ounces anyone? oh wow. rod is wasted. or is he just old? no, wasted. or has he had a stroke? no, wasted. good for you rod, the seventies are not over, no matter what elton tells you. the twelve year old running sound doesn't knows there's a guitar solo here.

janice dickenson is a scary, scary slop of skin and bones and lips. i'm gonna have bad dreams.

we couldn't possibly make it through the end of the season without this annoying, crying, laughing joke named tatiana. do they realize all the encouragement they're giving to the tatianas of the world?

wow. it's a 70's-off. queen. seriously, this is the duet song they choose when kris allen is one of the finalists? what are they trying to tell us? (and him?) who in their right mind decided to have those back up singers wave their arms like that?

kris allen is a midget. he's smaller than seacrust.

kris wins.

wow. that's pretty much the upset of the season. kris didn't even expect it. "adam deserves this." but kris needed to win more than adam did. think he's overwhelmed? this makes me happy. i like a good underdog story, don't you?

adam is free, kris gets a recording contract.
the best of all possible worlds.

fast-forward idol: two gays guys

i'm nervous, aren't you!? (my voice just shot up two octaves.)

peecrust has a big silver penis microphone! they're in the ginormous, scary nokia cave tonight: hey fellas, on the last night, let's really change it up and put you in front of 7000 people, whaddya think? gee, which one of these guys is used to that? (hint: "look at her, she's wicked!")

it's acoustic vs. glam, conway vs. california, guy-next-door vs. guyliner, david vs. goliath, pat boone vs. elvis, the christian vs. the abomination. randy-in-a-tie wants to sell you a used nissan sentra, a little rust, low mileage. paula got attacked by the killer tanning bed. or she sat in a bathtub of beef bullion cubes overnight.

kris and adam. adam strolls out pointing at people in the audience like he's hillary clinton. (both strong women.) three songs each: their favorite, producer's pick, and newbie wanna moley song which will inevitably be poop-on-a-stick. (what happened to letting some random geek fan in frog jump, tennessee write the last song?)

for all you fans just now setting your tivo as the program starts, ryan sounds the alert that they plan to run long. thanks for that, douchebag – people dvr-ing the show are at at star trek or their kids stupid dance recital. or selling t-shirts in the lobby of a tacky broadway show.

f-fwd.

• adam 1. it's mom and dad glamberace! dad: "well, he was a screamer as a kid!" sure papalambert, but did he wear mom's eyeliner? mad world. oh look, hydraulics and fog. hmm, no screeching yet. i remember that screechy part being much screechier the first time around. was that great? maybe, but only because we know about the crazy flamboyant screechfest coming up later. judges: randy – since i'm dressed like a sixth grade teacher, i'm gonna give you a grade: A+! no...A for adam! nwm – i knew you were gonna win. paula – i knew you were gonna win first. simon – overly theatrical, phantom of the opera. (more christine, i'd say.)

shouldn't kris just go home now? get caught up on grey's?

• kris 1. i'm cashing in my kris music coupon later this week. ain't no sunshine when she's flat! (that note was "gone," babe.) further into the song, he opens up and it's great. not sure i would have picked this tune. judges: randy – plugs the lakers. nice. randy, do you think anyone watching this show knows anything about baseball? nwm – you create an intimate bond with everyone in the audience including my friend cooch mccoocherson the mayoress of coochtown u.s. of cooch. paula – you awaken the spirit in all of us by simonizing allenizing us. simon – simon say nice things, make kris cry. sweet.

ryan makes simon pick the winner of round one and has little conniption fit while he's at it: "ding-ding-ding!" he says. "ding! ding!" yeah, buttcrust, ding-a-ling.

f-fwd.

• adam 2. change is gonna come. this is pretty remarkable. the fascinating thing about this voice, to me, is that it never seems strained. there is angst here, but not in creating the sound. judges: randy – you just sang your face off and i'm not talking your covergirl queen foundation natural hue. nwm – "best ever." paula – i'll see your "best ever" and add a conniption. "i know with every fiber of my being you will be iconic." simon – you're back in the saddle game.

what will adam lambert do when he's free of these idol trappings?

f-fwd.

• kris 2. what's going on. this is his deal, right? guitar, low-key. he feels it. i would much rather listen to a concert of kris, look at kris for two hours, than adam lambert, i think. sorry adam...you'd have better costume changes. judges: randy – a little light for me. nwm – you are true to yourself. you're an artist, artist, artist. paula – i know what's goin' on, 'cause i'm layin' off the sauce and i'm halfway to lucid. simon – that was like three friends in my bedroom telling me i'm a big old gay strumming along to marvin gaye.

• adam 3. nwm song. (whatever the hell it's called.) this is pretty horrid. the song and the performance. if this is what adam leaves us with, kris has a shot. the song is...god. i know twenty people who could write a better song for american idol and one of them is erik nelson's newborn baby. this is adam's worst performance to date. judges: will anyone tell the truth about the song? maybe simon... randy – dude, you can sing the phone book. pitchy! randy said pitchy! somebody drink! nwm – i wrote that. did everyone know i wrote that song? i wrote it, and you...you sang it. paula – paula talks for a full minute without saying anything about what just happened (exactly what it would be like after sex with her.) simon – says, "i'm not gonna judge that song," thereby judging that song. simon then congratulates adam for winning the competition before kris has finished. wait. did ryan just kiss adam lambert? is ryan seacrest gay?

randy was the only judge to tell adam honestly that this performance was ultrabone.

• kris 3. singing the piece of crap that nwm pulled from her underside and they are now forcing him to sing. besides that, it's the same, lame arrangement. and he's flat too. it's the monitors – they couldn't both be that off. i think he sounds better singing this turd of a song than adam did. really, horrible, horrible song. judges: randy – you should be very proud – even though you were flat – because you're gonna lose. nwm – i think that song was too high, but i wrote it for you after listening to you sing week, after week, after week. paula – you are gonna lose. simon – simon makes kris cry again, but for the wrong reason. "you deserve to be standing on this stage tonight, and you will deserve to be there tomorrow night too, when we announce that adam won."

how terribly unfortunate that one of the best groups of idol singers i can remember end the competition having to sing one of the worst idol songs i've ever heard. kara should be working in the produce department at gristedes (but not in my neighborhood.)

ready for this?

winner: kris
runner-up: adam

fast-forward idol: three's company

"let's rock," says seafoam. "get on your feet for the top three."

tony's prediction: tonight or next week, glamberace pulls out a surprise. (no, for god's sake, not that.) something he's been keeping under wraps – that one song, that one arrangement that he told friends, if i make it to the finals i'll give 'em this. i don't know what it is. crazy, maybe? (the gnarls barkely, not the patsy cline.) this is my prediction. like it?

• gokenstein. dance, little sister. terence trent d'arby. chosen by paula. already this is vegas without the sequins or the nipples (i.e. without sequins or nipples, what's the point?) it's too high for him. this is a terrible song choice. (why not if you let me stay?) it doesn't go anywhere, and danny needs a build. (that kind too.) judges: randy – that was dope for me, dude. nwm – oh, now she's a dance critic. paula – well (bitch) i'm a choreographer and i think he did really good. (snap!) simon – this is a singing show, but that dancing was desperate. tony – isn't family guy on somewhere right now?

sidenote: did you know terrance trent d'arby – following a series of dreams (i'm not kidding) – changed his name to sananda maitreya, but was actually born terence trent howard? dude's had three fa-reak names. i've only had one. (that you all know of.)

• kris. apologize. one republic. (chosen by nwm and the black guy.) wait... listen to kringle with those teenage arkansas girls. did you hear him say "krissss"? okay, is kris allen gay?!? why is no one asking that question? i was just about to type "i don't know this stupid song" when nwm proclaimed "everybody knows this song." imagine my chagrin. pitch. okay, i do know this song. kris has the "hey! i'm a pop singer!" dialect, and now that i'm aware of it, it bugs the living crap out of me. that was pretty okay i guess. no? judges: randy – i have no clue what randy really said, nor does it matter. nwm – that was a competent performance, but i know you can be groundbreaking, and i wanted you to sing that song like it was a different song and...ugh. she's just an idiot. paula – that song does sit in a right place and there was a bum note that was loud. thank goodness paula is not addicted to pain killers. simon – takes nwm to task! "you can't choose a song for him and then blame him for doing the song. you didn't hold up to your responsibility." she tries to fight back, then she tells kris the arrangement he should have used. um, nwm? ya' think maybe it's too late to 'pologize? randy is flailing his arms and saying "dude."

• glamberace one. u2. wow, paula abdul needs a smack. it's cabaret u2. he's flat. flat. there it is. i have to be honest: i don't like this sound. i don't like the tounge. in fact, ick. but that was so far beyond the other two it's kind of silly. judges: randy – not convinced. nwm – you're a strategist. (paula is quickly looking that up.) paula – blah blah blah blah blah liked it. simon – brilliant song choice. you're in the finals or i quit the show. adam suggests we rewind it back at home and listen to the song again, for the lyrics. mmm. no. nope.

oh look, scarrie undermilkwood with giraffes. real serious like, scarrie asks on angolan person, "have you...or your dauwghter...ever had...malaria?" and the woman slaps her.

• you goker, you brought 'er. you are so beautiful. danny's choice. the pride a' milwaukee, seafoamcrustlips says. (there, you didn't come up with that stupid nickname yourself, did you?) you harr..so beautiful. this is a lovely arrangement, when does it all go wrong? you're the air i breath? did joe cocker write that? we're kind of stuck here, aren't we? in this vamp? done. okay, well. that didn't quite pay off the way i feared it would. or hoped. judges: randy – you can really (x5) sing. nwm – that was stunning. paula – i love songs. this song allowed you to do magic and infuse. simon – i would call that a vocal master class. simon has been to laura bell bundy's vocal master class.

• krisssss. heartless. this is a really interesting song choice (by kris.) i just got excited. this is him and the guitar. pretty brave. i think that was great. he's in the finals. judges: randy – better than the original. nwm – she whines, "why didn't you do that with the song i picked for you?" that was bold, brave, fearless, she says. can someone help me clean up here? paula – uses this opportunity to make a joke about simon cowell, and to say the word relevant. someone, somewhere, drank. simon – can barely get a word out because the other judges can't stfu.

• adam. cryin' aerosmith. he is a rock star. who is flat. that slide up to "forget you" was pretty amazing. am i nuts? i think he was flat throughout.

okay, before the judges. a word about adam lambert: i think the first time you hear that voice, it's pretty frakkin' remarkable. i've said it before: stupid. as in stupid. i think the second time you hear that voice, it's still pretty frakkin' remarkable. but by the third, fourth and tenth times, for me, it becomes grating. it's still a ridiculous voice, but c'mon now, do you wanna hear it all night? do you seriously wanna go to a concert and listen to that for two-plus hours? i don't know. i don't think i would. and partly for that reason, i was not blown away by that performance. that was, in adam lambert's world, skating by if you ask me. it was certainly no ring of fire.

back. judges: randy – make a rock album, dude. nwm – see you at the finals. paula – "______________." simon – it's very easy to assume you will get enough votes. if you assume, you make an ass out of you and paula. the judges begin chanting: vote, vote, vote. the judges. not the crowd, the judges. really?

ryan asks, "what do you feel like tonight?" and adam says he thinks danny and kris did really well tonight, they're almost in my league. okay, he didn't say that. to his credit, he's never come off as anything but grateful. (you're right brett.)

winner: kris
middler: adam
gone: danny

and i wrong? what do you think? how many s's in krissss?

f-fwd idol: gokey fail wrap-up

64 million idol votes this week. if each of those people sent me $1...

swing choir alice cooper. school's out. wow, danny gokey: call me, because i need to tell you to stop the riffing dude. alice cooper didn't riff in this song and you shouldn't either. (if only alice were there he could bite ryan peecrust's head off.) peecrust looks especially dorkulous standing next to slash's hair (which is actually an old cher wig, circa "take me home".)

um. are we all gonna watch "glee" or what?

ryan is so f-ing excited about led zepplin. (!) adam lambert: i loved my outfit this week. and with that, hundreds of teenage girls across the country ran screaming into their bedrooms to rip the adam lambert poster off the wall. (my niece had a poster of elton john on her bedroom wall for about ten minutes, too.)

danny jokes about his horror scream. yeah. well.

uh-oh. here she comes! paula abdul! this is a little like watching your mother sing at a birthday party. and that's pretty much all i have to say about that.

did you dvr the idol program tonight? if so, go to 9:25. ryan with paula. peecrust asks the audience, "jew guys enjoy that?" and they cut to the crowd for about 3 seconds. this is important: in the lower right hand corner of the screen is one random 10-year old boy who has been hypnotized by the flashing lights and paula's shiny alien teeth. if you pause, you can see a trickle of drool dripping down his chin. i'm a little concerned he's wandered in from some psych ward and now will never recover.

yeah, this "former contestants going home a star" segment is sweet. every one of those people now walk out of their hotels and think either, "holy shit, where did all those fans go?" or "holy shit, someone make these people go away." i guarantee.

results. i'm kinda nervous. adam: soon as you're done - gym, okay? first person safe – kris. he was genuinely surprised. he hugged adam and allison. no hug for danny, just a grab on the shoulder like, "it's you, dude."

chris daughtry is hot, but that facial hair has got to go.

second person safe – results can only be delivered in dim light. adam is gay safe. shocker.

aaaand...oy.

allison is going home. i seriously am surprised. and the look she gets from danny is...well. my whole impression of him has changed. that looked like, "well, we kind of saw that coming, didn't we hun?" i hope i'm wrong, but man.

so, this is where i go on about allison. paula is right – she really is unmistakable. and...i'm sorry if i've said this before, but i totally believe her. i believe this pain, i believe this angst is in her. at 17 years old. i think she is really, really special. and i'm honestly sad to see her go.

so it's the boys club. do we really think kris can make it past next week?

fast-forward idol: gokey fail

an accident on the idol set prior to the show (peecrust's tanning bed blew a fuse in the building) means contestants "haven't had a proper run-thru," peecrust reports. "but as they say in hollywood, the show must go on." yes ryan, as they say in hollywood. (dear ryan: spray-tan.)

glambert has come to the prom wearing the sling. (why wait for the afterparty?) slash from g&r is the mentor, in a rock club. this is the most legit thing they've done on this show. (have i said that before?) if they could only perform in that club.

• glambert. whole lotta love. six flags led zepplin. beyond the stupid voice, he's too clean to pull this off. technically, it's perfect, it suits his voice/persona, but underneath it all he's just not dirty enough. (nor do i want him to be.) robert plant was down in the dirt, sex. sex. glam "dirties up" (air quotes) but he's not dirty. kinda slimy, maybe. and quite honestly, the last thing i needed to hear glammy say is "i'm gonna give you every inch of my love." adam, i'm just not that into you. judges: randy - "nobody's gonna think about broadway for you." ouch, constantine – randy saw the tony noms. nwm says "you are a rock god." then she basically has an orgasm. ick. paula – whole lotta perfect. simon – nobody can top that. (oh yes they can, simon! just wait 'til the afterparty! what?)

f-fwd.

• allison. cry baby. joplin is a good choice for her, but this is not the song. she looks fantastic, and sounds fantastic. but as good as it was, it's not quite enough. judges: randy – wrong song. nwm – could nwm pleeeease be gone next season? paula – you'd be good for a joplin biopic! simon – good, but not original enough. allison gets feisty with simon, which can only help her.

at this point i'm a little worried about both kris and danny.

f-fwd.

okay, what? a duet? wow. this is so...beyond lame-itude. this song doesn't suit either of these guys, and they both are trying painfully hard to make it work. and, oops – what was that last lyric? now the judges are going to critique them. oy. what is the point? simon obviously thinks it's ridiculous, and clearly both kris and danny are uncomfortable here (with each other?) kris looks unbelievably annoyed and danny comes off as way too cocky.

who runs the show here? this was a joke. idol fail.

now i'm really worried about these two. if either of their performances are this sucky, they're in trouble.

f-fwd.

• kris. come together. bad, bad, bad, bad song choice. bad. (no really. bad.) this is not a song about singing. in arkansas, they pronounce words like down, "tsown." kris has made the song about singing which normally i would hate, but for some reason (my crushy mc-crush?) i don't. judges: randy – all in all, i enjoyed it. ringing. nwm – "you're the softer side of rock, and you tried to bring that tonight." would someone bore a hole in her and let the sap run out? paula – beatles=risky. but it's your imprint that counts. "you are an artist on the stage. simon – "that was like eating ice for lunch – it leaves you with nothing to remember." unless, simon, you slather that ice in mayo, put it on a croissant, and eat it while you're riding naked on a float in the east troy fourth of july parade! yummm! (ahh, memories.) kris looks like he knows he's going home. poor baby.

on another note, i encourage you to pause idol sometime, when peecrust and kris are together on the screen, and examine closely the difference in their skin.

• gokey. dream on. i'm worried. this is starting out badly. scatting in aerosmith – right. didn't mel torme had cover "walk this way"? he should have. (joel? "send in the clowns"?) okay, here it comes: the scream. and...major pain. deep, searing pain. a sharp, red-hot poker plunged deep into... danny is gone. if that performance is what he is to be judged by? i say he's done. judges: randy – you get an a+ for effort! nwm – send your swagger a text and tell it to pull back. wow, listen to this chick: she knows about rock and roll. (puke) paula – the wrong song, and the wrong face. but i give you an a++! simon – the last note was like "night of the living gokey." danny is bottom-three-less. no more.

where is our second...

ugh. here it comes. the second duet. why wouldn't you just watch family guy now? because who really cares?

slow ride. allson and adam. will he mop the floor with her? huh – no, he won't. they are so much happier together than kris and danny. and they sound better, too. they are pushing each other. um...is this the finale?

winner: adam, by a mile.
middler: allison, kris
gone: danny

or does kris get the boot?

fast-forward idol: reservoir dawgs

wait. is this a youtube video? or saturday night live? (it's actually much more mad tv, isn't it?) punked, maybe? (where's ashton kutcher?)

i mean seriously...quentin tarantino?

i swear just saw a mister softee truck drive across randy jackson's blouse. paula abdul's costume: my name...is melinda. i think ryan peecrust is finally embracing his inner jamie gumb.

wow. only two judges get to review each singer. isn't that a big part of the show? oh but we ran over, we ran over. maybe if you cut the totally dispensable fourth judge, stop letting every contestant talk back to the judges, and get rid of all this stupid mindless chatter you won't run over. unbelievable. what idiot in a windowless office makes a decision like this?

• allison. i don't wanna miss a thing. interesting hearing that voice with just a string section. she's taken a huge turn for the worse about halfway through, as she came downstage. she's off pitch, it's not right in her voice. but the crowd loves her. judges: paula – you got special sauce. simon: yeah, bbq sauce. you are the girls only hope. wait, was he talking to peecrust?

• noopy. picks the frat boy song – totally predictable. anything you do. everything you do. whatever. this is pathetic, quentin tarantino giving them singing lessons. what if anoop cut simon's ear off, poured gasoline on him, and sang this song into the ear? normally, this would be when i'd grab the remote, but if he did that i might stay tuned. so, is noopy doing what q.t. asked him to do? judges: randy – you have found your zone, dude, it was in tune! nwm – you've found your place (well, she couldn't say "zone") and your place is pop + your eternal soul. tony – the frat boy gets better, but he's still frat boy karaoke.

• adam. q.t. enjoyed tasting gaybert. born to be gay wild. woah, he george michaeled it right downstage there, didn't he? a leapin' and a flouncin'. this is one of my least favorite songs, i think. maybe ever. i can hardly listen to adam sing once a week, to be honest, i can't imagine an entire concert or album. but that voice is truly stupid. it just is. and he can work it like nobody's business. judges: paula – you dare to dance in the pouch of greatness. the palth of greatness. the pouth. then she says fortune rewards the brave. she's reading too much harry potter. simon – like watching rocky horror. is adam lambert gay?

f-fwd.

i am just now getting up to get some chocolate.

• moley. not hiding lou rawls tonight. another frat boy song? have you ever loved a woman. have you ever really ever loved a woman. q.t. predicts this could be "one of moley's top three performances" – is that good? last i checked, the word understand actually has a "d" in it. i can't see anything but the mole tonight. is moley's mole kind of like blindy's blindness? it's his cross to bear? i'm comparing having a mole to being blind, is that bad? GOD it's huge. is it getting bigger? oh no moley. he let it rip and he ripped something. pretty awful there in the middle. judges: randy – for me man, again with the for me for you crap! somebody tell this shithead to find some new phrases. nwm – you show your chops. i don't really care about anything she said but she not gettin' any love from lou rawls tonight.

f-fwd.

• goke. ohhh no...he's lost the glasses, he's dressing a little more hip – he's on the road to elliott yamin dental work. endless love. woah. what was that note there? "myyyy...first love"? danny cannot reallly hold a quiet long note, can he? he always riffs off it. that was very subdued. and old school sap. not in a good way. judges: paula – sometimes i just can't listen to her. simon – boring arrangement. but i know you were singing it for your wife. we haven't heard much about her lately, have we? i think that's good. and that we didn't hear about it tonight. tony – not bad, but not his best.

that was a taco bell commercial promoting the fact that the lettuce is near impossible to find in their new salad. dear people on a diet: this is not a good thing.

f-fwd.

• kris. picks the best song. by a mile. from once. boy, if he's faking it, i buy it. i think that was pretty sweet. judges: randy – i'm an idiot and i couldn't tell if someone was off pitch if it bit me in my still giant even though i've lost a lot of weight black dawg ass. nwm – she is so done with moley and lou rawls and has moved on to kris, her new name is "get out the way bitch, kris be mine!" and that's me talking.

• lil. the rose. a.k.a. the riff. she could cut right through that snow she's so sharp. we've heard all this before, and better. (much better, actually.) judges: paula – paula said basically nothing. simon – too soft, too m.o.r, no excuses anymore. lil talks back, always a good idea. paula sticks up for lil: "don't ever be afraid to say what you feel lil, those that matter don't mind." can we crochet these things paula reads, memorizes and says onto pillow cases and sell them on the internet? or in the lobby?

they ran over again. maybe next week they'll cut ryan seacrest altogether. one can only hope.

i thought tonight was pretty much a disaster. tarantino said a few things i thought were worthwhile, but please. that's a joke. next week let's get someone from the food network to coach the singers. or john mccain.

gone: any of 'em. all of 'em. sheesh.

is danny gokey gay?

i don't think so, but adam lambert might be.

is adam lambert gay?

this is the question important enough to warrant a 1600 word new york times treatise (in the fashion and style section, no less) on the history of the gays in entertainment (boiled down nicely to rock hudson, liberace, and elton john. no, no mention of tom cruise or richard gere.)

actually, the question posed seems to be not so much is he gay but if he is gay, can he win american idol? (no, clay aiken was a runner-up and would turn fireplug red, fall on the floor kicking and screaming, and have a conniption if you even suggested g-ness back then. and i just said "back then" about something referencing clay aiken.)

if you've read any tuesdays american idol play-by-plays ("adam, you're pretty gay, babe") you know what i know think. of course the point is, who cares? (i mean, besides the millions of teenage girls who are having that adam as a brooding vampire dream at night. you know the one, where he materializes as a thick black mist next to your bed and then morphs into "ring of fire" adam who promises to make you immortal with one soft but sensual nip and you want to refuse but then you see vampire kris standing right behind him, smiling at you, mouthing the words "do it." right? you know that dream?)

actually, the times scribe guy trebay makes the who cares point too (while at the same time comparing the "scandal" of being gay to identity theft, hiding a criminal record, or having had an affair with paula abdul, when we all know it's nothing like two of those things.) or no, trebay's point is not who cares, but why no one cares. or why no one should care.

well apparently someone does care: bill o'reilly.

since i cannot stomach more than 30 seconds of this piece of tripe's television program without fantasizing about seeing him in a new york restaurant and walking over and hocking a loogie in his chicken alfredo (which of course would lead to an altercation and a fist fight that i would probably lose but i'd be sure to get a few good whacks in, at least bloody his nose, before the police hauled me away so it would all be worth it because tripe would have to mention his bandaged nose on his program that night) i was unaware of piece of tripe's musings about lambert's sexuality.

here, p.o.t. is talking about an online picture of someone who looks like they could be adam lambert, or someone going to a come dressed as your favorite vampire from american idol party, swallowing another guys face:

“These pictures that hint that he is gay, will they have an effect on this program, which is a cultural phenomenon in America?”

hint that he is gay, bill? hint? that's like saying your sagging ass-face hints that you have a sagging ass-face. why, it's as plain as the nose on your sagging ass-face.

but now, i suppose, since o'reilly has taken up this mantle, the gays must come together to see that gaybert lambert actually does win american idol. i will happily lead that charge, even though danny gokey is my homeboy.

so danny? allison? i'm sorry. unless you can provide graphic internet evidence of an ongoing affair with a younger sister, or a long-term intimate relationship with a plump french bulldog, adam wins.