fast-forward idol: reservoir dawgs

wait. is this a youtube video? or saturday night live? (it's actually much more mad tv, isn't it?) punked, maybe? (where's ashton kutcher?)

i mean seriously...quentin tarantino?

i swear just saw a mister softee truck drive across randy jackson's blouse. paula abdul's costume: my name...is melinda. i think ryan peecrust is finally embracing his inner jamie gumb.

wow. only two judges get to review each singer. isn't that a big part of the show? oh but we ran over, we ran over. maybe if you cut the totally dispensable fourth judge, stop letting every contestant talk back to the judges, and get rid of all this stupid mindless chatter you won't run over. unbelievable. what idiot in a windowless office makes a decision like this?

• allison. i don't wanna miss a thing. interesting hearing that voice with just a string section. she's taken a huge turn for the worse about halfway through, as she came downstage. she's off pitch, it's not right in her voice. but the crowd loves her. judges: paula – you got special sauce. simon: yeah, bbq sauce. you are the girls only hope. wait, was he talking to peecrust?

• noopy. picks the frat boy song – totally predictable. anything you do. everything you do. whatever. this is pathetic, quentin tarantino giving them singing lessons. what if anoop cut simon's ear off, poured gasoline on him, and sang this song into the ear? normally, this would be when i'd grab the remote, but if he did that i might stay tuned. so, is noopy doing what q.t. asked him to do? judges: randy – you have found your zone, dude, it was in tune! nwm – you've found your place (well, she couldn't say "zone") and your place is pop + your eternal soul. tony – the frat boy gets better, but he's still frat boy karaoke.

• adam. q.t. enjoyed tasting gaybert. born to be gay wild. woah, he george michaeled it right downstage there, didn't he? a leapin' and a flouncin'. this is one of my least favorite songs, i think. maybe ever. i can hardly listen to adam sing once a week, to be honest, i can't imagine an entire concert or album. but that voice is truly stupid. it just is. and he can work it like nobody's business. judges: paula – you dare to dance in the pouch of greatness. the palth of greatness. the pouth. then she says fortune rewards the brave. she's reading too much harry potter. simon – like watching rocky horror. is adam lambert gay?

f-fwd.

i am just now getting up to get some chocolate.

• moley. not hiding lou rawls tonight. another frat boy song? have you ever loved a woman. have you ever really ever loved a woman. q.t. predicts this could be "one of moley's top three performances" – is that good? last i checked, the word understand actually has a "d" in it. i can't see anything but the mole tonight. is moley's mole kind of like blindy's blindness? it's his cross to bear? i'm comparing having a mole to being blind, is that bad? GOD it's huge. is it getting bigger? oh no moley. he let it rip and he ripped something. pretty awful there in the middle. judges: randy – for me man, again with the for me for you crap! somebody tell this shithead to find some new phrases. nwm – you show your chops. i don't really care about anything she said but she not gettin' any love from lou rawls tonight.

f-fwd.

• goke. ohhh no...he's lost the glasses, he's dressing a little more hip – he's on the road to elliott yamin dental work. endless love. woah. what was that note there? "myyyy...first love"? danny cannot reallly hold a quiet long note, can he? he always riffs off it. that was very subdued. and old school sap. not in a good way. judges: paula – sometimes i just can't listen to her. simon – boring arrangement. but i know you were singing it for your wife. we haven't heard much about her lately, have we? i think that's good. and that we didn't hear about it tonight. tony – not bad, but not his best.

that was a taco bell commercial promoting the fact that the lettuce is near impossible to find in their new salad. dear people on a diet: this is not a good thing.

f-fwd.

• kris. picks the best song. by a mile. from once. boy, if he's faking it, i buy it. i think that was pretty sweet. judges: randy – i'm an idiot and i couldn't tell if someone was off pitch if it bit me in my still giant even though i've lost a lot of weight black dawg ass. nwm – she is so done with moley and lou rawls and has moved on to kris, her new name is "get out the way bitch, kris be mine!" and that's me talking.

• lil. the rose. a.k.a. the riff. she could cut right through that snow she's so sharp. we've heard all this before, and better. (much better, actually.) judges: paula – paula said basically nothing. simon – too soft, too m.o.r, no excuses anymore. lil talks back, always a good idea. paula sticks up for lil: "don't ever be afraid to say what you feel lil, those that matter don't mind." can we crochet these things paula reads, memorizes and says onto pillow cases and sell them on the internet? or in the lobby?

they ran over again. maybe next week they'll cut ryan seacrest altogether. one can only hope.

i thought tonight was pretty much a disaster. tarantino said a few things i thought were worthwhile, but please. that's a joke. next week let's get someone from the food network to coach the singers. or john mccain.

gone: any of 'em. all of 'em. sheesh.