fast-forward idol: gokey-dokey

the rat pack. i'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that this will be danny gokey's night. and i promise to not come back and delete that prediction if i'm wrong.

do you see the lizard thing with ryan peecrust? he's all crested gecko. OHMYSANTA someone wrapped paula abdul for christmas. she looks like an over-sized, boozed-up poinsettia.

i am not a huge jamie foxx fan. that said, i bet he'll be good for them.

f-fwd.

• kris. the way you look tonight. jamie: "this dude...is a dude...i'd do a dude record with. dude." foxxy want him some kris kringle, uh-hurrr. kris – too. much. riffing. still, i liked it. and he looks good. judges: randy – randy actually says intelligent things, but i forget what they were. nwm – "songs from this era..." blah, blah, blah. his rhythms? he's a dark horse? there are five people left, how dark can he be? i can't hear a thing paula says because i can't get past the christmas bow that ate burbank. simon thought it was a little bit wet. i understand that. ryan doesn't. ryan thinks since he doesn't get it, none of us do either. oh ryan, you're such an everyman. (schmuck.)

f-fwd.

• allison. oh good, she's 17. someone to watch over me. see – jamie fox is talking to her about acting; what's it mean to her? good for him. her phrasing is horrible. this is so not her deal, but she's doing pretty well. judges: randy – loved it. nwm – you are not a one trick pony. gut wrenching version. paula – the dress, the dress. simon – "i have a horrible feeling you could be in trouble tonight." but simon, we haven't heard moley yet.

f-fwd.

• moley. my funny valentine. is he singing in some strange dialect? "merr fernny valentine?" i think this is awful. judges: randy – one of the hardest songs ever. pitchy. didn't all come together for me. nwm – you weren't emotionally connected to it (but of course moley says, snarkily, "i was, i was," which, well then, okay matt. what nwm and i were feeling was just wrong.) paula – someone call bill o'reilly: this is a war on christmas. simon – he loved it. brilliant. simon's been drinking out of paula's red coke cup.

f-fwd.

• gokey. come rain or come shine. wow. jamie's all up in gokey's grill. woah! get in there jamester! jamie wanna kiss on lil' gokey! smooch him! smooch him! this is...uh...kinda hot. i may have to rewind here.

rwd.

okay. i'm back.

danny looks fantastic. this is so riffless! danny! listen, he is singing the melody. wtf! and only now he plays. how nice. so beautifully controlled. so confident. wow. build it! holy shit. this is what i want from this guy. so exciting. there is your winner. wow. i know i've said this before, but this, this is why i love american idol. i think that was one of the best performances i've ever seen on this show. judges: randy – loved it. nwm – most creative ever. swag swag swaggar. paula – you can see the finish line right in front of you. simon – you came out to prove a point and you did it. that was outstanding. adam lambert just put on more eyeliner.

f-fwd.

• lamby. is gonna be good too, right? feelin' good. here comes the screech. ugh. am i crazy? i thought that was pretty oogy. too much attitude, and too much of the same old, same old. i'm like deiter with adam – "your screeching has grown tiresome, now is da time venn vee dah-nse." my cousin howard has a man-crush on adam. hey howard – still? judges: randy – too drama, too broadway, but good. nwm – my mouth drops open every time. (insert in your own punchline in the comments.) paula – my mouth drops every time there's a pill nearby. simon – you want to win. best entrance ever. ryan? "oh, i'm not that gay." hello, ryan? your mom called to say, "YES YOU ARE!"

winner: danny gokey. by far. the best, most interesting, best arranged, best performance of the night. maybe of the whole season.

middlers: adam, kris, allison.

gone: moley. but the mole itself may be safe. whew.

now. is jamie foxx gay?

(read this weeks wrap-up here.)