fast-forward idol: snackless

i am attempting two very brave things tonight: i will face tonight's episode of american idol sans snack: no m&m's, no cheezies. nothing.

second, i will watch live. hold me.

(oh look. a picture of kris. just shut up, all of you.)
gaysey gasem: they were all born with the dream of becoming a superstar. weren't we all? just once i'd laugh if the power went out after gaysey says, "this...(big power failure sound cue.)" ahhh!! what's that? the bald zombie in the audience! scary! aww, it's baby photo night. i still have baby pictures of friends from high school that they never got back, from some class newspaper thingy. yup, still got 'em. nope, yer not gettin' 'em back. paula made a joke about gaysey's baby pic, referring to his bugs bunny buck teeth, and gaysey says, "it's my natural color, paula." okay, sure. maybe he meant his teeth.

gokey. stand by me. this is 1980. huh. he's not on the idol program anymore, he's on the tonight show. with johnny carson. judges: randy - i don't like the arrangement. nwm - you turned it on it's head. paula: all i can say is wow. and then i say a lot more word things i don't really need to say, like very amazing. simon - overall great. tony – not very exciting.

f-fwd. shit.

i need a chocolate cupcake. with buttercream frosting. or a whole cake.

kris kringle. hey kris – "the instructor of the ferris wheel?" the guy who asked about adam lambert? he was a ho-mo. kris's dad is not into baby kris's taxi cab driver dream. he wants his kris to be a star. (uh-oh.) all she wants to do is dance. he's lost in that sea of girls (poor thing.) this is an awful song, don henley, and i hate the arrangement. but i do like kris. judges: nwm – this was music class. paula – we like you, kris, we really like you. simon – indulgent, boring, forgettable, and so am i. randy – i lost you. randy's right.

lil. finally, the real story behind her name. we've all been wondering. ahh, she was named after a small insect. what's love got to do with it? i'm already bored. why do these arrangements sound like they were written the year the contestant was born? lil was a lil off on that big note. i think lil goan home. judges: paula – this is what i'm gonna have to say... you are goan home. simon – copycat, we've lost you. randy – mad, mad, mad talent. you know where your wheelhouse kinda is. nwm – making that leap. knowing yourself. wow i am so bored. poor lil.

i can't wait to see blindy's baby picture. (neither can he.)

i'm fantasizing about this.

noop. now we're gonna let people apologize for being a dick last week. nice. TOO LATE NOOP. one baby photo there was beautiful. true colors. "you with the crossed eyes..." should he wear sunglasses? i mean, is it just one eye that's bigger than the other, or...? anoop, if you're reading this (and c'mon, i know you are) i'm so sorry. you're probably a really great guy, and i'm an ass. but your eyes are funky-dunky, okay? judges: randy – when the judges start by congratulating your college basketball team...not a good sign. nwm – blech. paula – oy. simon – speak the truth, please. good, not fantastic. you're a yo-yo. tony – i was bored.

what is your favorite dessert? i love chocolate cake, have i mentioned that? i love apple fritters too, though. (laura. thank you. brian, your sister...please. i hope you're really, really nice to her.) um...i used to be in love with key lime pie until i discovered it isn't made with chocolate.

blindy wants to be a train engineer. he could be – in manhattan. interesting halloween experiences: 7 year old blindy, standing in front of full-length mirror, in total punky-brewster drag. blindy friend says "wow blindy, your pirate costume looks so authentic!" he sings some guitar song. "honey, i don't think i've ever seen grandma osmond cry like she did the day you played guitar for everyone at easter dinner." (i know, it's the same joke every week.) WOAH! scream it out blindy!! scream it!! did you know scott can legally hunt in michigan? judges: nwm – could she whine a little more? paula – i give you credit for not falling of the edge of the stage. a little bit of screeching, but overall bravo. simon – go back to the piano, blindy. if blindy cries, do we see the tears? randy – i want you to leap off the stage...vocally. honest, he said it. and just like that.

allison was born last week. i can't make you love me. such a great song. there's a 50 year old woman in the body of this 16 year old child. it's like idol freaky friday. tonight, i think she's gonna win. listen to that. she can manoeuver around a melody so easily, but she can also sing it simple. judges: paula – you are undeniably allison. (the title of her first album.) simon – very good. randy – like kelly clarkson, you can sing your face off too. nwm – uh-oh, newbie gets it. let's go make a record, she says. she's right.

holy baby moley pictures! i'm wondering: was the moley there from birth? or did it develop over time? what if it's not a moley at all and it's actually another head? what if it's rosey grier growing out of moley's forehead, and they sing a duet next week? i don't think rosey grier was a singer, though. it could be lou rawls. is he dead? could he grow out of moley's forehead?

why do i find most new music from television commercials? how sad.

moley. WOW the mole is big and red and GLOWING in the pre-taped stuff! oh no! look! it 's talking! wait...that's baby moley in the christmas pageant. moley has smartly covered up lou rawls with a hat this week. he sounds nervous, no? strangely so. maybe he knows that stevie wonder is rolling over in his grave? (your line: stevie wonder is not dead. mine: this will kill him.) judges: randy – vocally, one of the best of the night. what about non-vocally? nwm – she is gonna be stuck to that chair she is so damn excited. paula – two words! standing o. that's actually one word and a letter. simon – yeah, pretty good. tony – what did i miss?

adam lambert looks less scary as a vampire child than as a vampire adult.

gee, i wish you all could see the local commercials in new york city. they're full of beautiful, naked people dancing and...whoops. robin byrd. sorry.

here comes gaybert. dad: adam as a kid – sports? not so much. adam: i loved playing dress up. i think it was pretty clear, early on...wow. mad world. they're gonna love this 'cause it's so interesting and different. and it is. it's completely memorable. he takes chances, man. that was pretty great, i think. judges: simon – i'm gonna give you a standing ovation.

tonight, i'd say danny gokey is in trouble. not in trouble this week, but in trouble. it's still danny/allison/adam, i think. but tonight was much more allison vs. adam. danny was sort of left behind.

gone: blindy. blindy-blindy-blindy. he so gone i didn't see him go. and neither...

i'm going for chocolate.