fast-forward huckabee: idol hee-haw

i'm watching huckabee, the fox news program starring jim nabors as a former arkansas politician named gomer huckabee.

i swear i just heard gomer say the show was "coming to you from new york city," but he's a dern liar! this show is taped in harrisonville, arkansas, i just know it.

now it's time for the "audience asks carol questions about why she tugs her ear" segment!

the first comma-less question comes from a nice white man in a smart red polo who says, "with the phenomenal conservative movement that we're seeing across the country through the tea party a lot of people are being introduced to the political arena for the first time hoping to keep this movement strong and robust what advice would you give to an individual that was thinking of running for political office for the first time?"

"don't do it!" gomer chortles, slapping his knee in delight! and with that, roy clark and buck owens pop up through some corn stalks and sing a funny hillbilly song!

f-fwd.

gomer is in the "hot seat" now, with a kinda mean-lookin' dame named jamie, and tammy, a lesbian who owns a gun. these two are gonna to take gomer on, and i may have to turn this off.

jamie begins by performing a pre-written question about maria sonia sotomayor. tammy jumps in and gets tough about how important it is to find out about sonia's sexual identity politics.

now the tamster brings up the gays gettin' hitched. gomer says "ya can't go changing marriage because of someone's lifestyle choice." then he sticks a corn-cob pipe in his mouth, takes a swig off a jug of triple-x moonshine, and goes "yee-haw!" tamster gets feisty, saying "hey jethro, we're not changing marriage, we're adding to it!" you know, it's usually the bow-hunks who protest the most that end up being...naw.

f-fwd.

time for american idol winner kris allen. gomer gives kris a big man hug, maybe a little smooch and a pat on the rump. (i know what you're thinking - "wouldn't these two would make a cute couple?!" yeah, but – gomer's nambla card is expired. man-boy fail!)

apparently you're not the only one thinking about a hook-up: gomer, licking his lips, is now looking at little kris like he's a pork chop (i'm not kidding about that.) you can tell he wants to ask the big question. he's dying to ask the question. instead, he asks about simon cowell.

"you were a viola player in high school," gomer says, cocking his head to the side and twirling a lock of his comb-over with a finger. he's really pouring it on thick, but kris isn't going for it. now gomer says "you worked in a church, didn't you? you were a church music leader. church-church-church-church." (this is something they'll have in common, gomer thinks. kris wants to talk about something else.)

going to commercial, gomer shoots kris a playful glance. "when we come back, we're gonna go over to the music area," gomer tells kris. he says "music area" like he's asking a twelve-year old girl to visit alladin's castle. kris looks nervous.

back from commercial now. gomer has his big electric bass guitar strapped on – "we're all strapped up and ready to go!" – but he still wants to chat. "tell me about your wife," gomer says, "you do have a wife, don't you? where is she right now kris? did she come with you, or is she back at the hotel or what?"

gomer has a patriotic american flag shoulder strap for his bass guitar. this has made me nostalgic for the american flag poncho i used to wear in the 5th grade. (only for special events, mind you.)

now kris and gomer are playing yesterday by the beatles because gomer didn't know any kanye.

kris is facing the audience, as one does when performing. but gomer is standing sideways, facing kris. staring at kris. staring intently at kris. this has to be one of the most awkward, uncomfortable things i've ever, ever seen on television and that includes hugh jackman hosting last year's oscars. i'm going to add video of it to this post as soon as it's available.

they're done now, and the audience of white people seemed to enjoy it.

i have to go now.

wow.

UPDATE 5/30/09 – i couldn't find video of gomer and kris allen, but here's gomer and neil sedaka. i wrote neil a fan letter a few years ago and the bitch never wrote me back. now that he's singing "lunch will keep us together" i don't feel quite so bad:

laurin kills my idol crush some more

further evidence that my crush is history.

laurin kills my idol crush

okay, not really. but she did forward this video, and together we pose a burning question: how come danny gokey was played up all season as the church music leader, and not lil' kris allen?



and if you actually made it through that, you're gonna love this: lil' blondy glambert singing at his high school graduation. warning: this video is only suitable for real american idol wack jobs.

f-fwd idol wrap: two gays guys

during the filming of this foggy, dramatic opening, with adam and kris standing alone on stage, the audience apparently stayed silent for a while, but then began chanting "adam... adam... adam."

randy jackson trades in the used car salesman look for the giant ten year-old boy look. if newbie-wanna-moley called me sweetie i'd kick her. especially after that turd she layed last night. paula has trouble with big words, yes.

BLINDY!! ohh...be still my beating heart. blindy returns for what appears to be the white party. i liked this number much better on glee last night. (did you watch?)

david cook. not so good. david, i'm living in hell right now. this song is taking forever to get started. i've changed the station by now. i'm rustling through a desk drawer looking for my copy of the watchtower. i'm flossing. i'm doing my taxes. i'm doing my friend's taxes. hold on, this is what we waited for? you yelling on pitch for a really long time? if i wanted that i coulda just listened to idina menzel's album. that was a good three minutes i will never get back.

oh. great. it was about his dead brother. and we're gonna donate money to fight cancer. i feel like an idiot now. i still didn't like it. and i coulda spent those three minutes fighting cancer.

does anyone else think nick mitchell is the next paul lynde/alan seuss/charles nelson reilly/rip taylor? this lil rounds/queen latifah song is a hot pitchy mess, but lil's booty actually looks just kinda big next to latifah's. (maybe that was the idea.) here's the real deal: jason mraz. does jason have a lazy eye? blindy! look at blindy snappin! ahhh...memories. could next season be a "no loungy final chords" zone?

seriously. kris allen. sweet.

keith urban is truly one of the most handsome men i've ever seen. (right hewitt?) what if kris allen and keith urban smooched a bit during this song? just a little, nothing sloppy.

fergie. peas!! this is fun. WOW! there was a censored lyric for ya. smooth, fox. hey, remember the days when, during the final measures of "my way" frank sinatra would say "frank sinatra! 1969! my new album drops next month, baby!"

wow. seacrest eyes bikini girl's new front chassis and says "i was gonna ask 'what's new,' but i think i know." keep it classy, peehead.

okay. i'm sort of shell shocked here. nwm comes out to sing with bikini girl, and it turns ugly. really, really ugly. bikini girl is obviously perturbed, and nwm looks like a bitter johnny-come-lately.

ladies and gentlemen, cyndi lauper and the crotch shot heard round the world. now we know where she keeps her auto-harp.

is kris allens's dad a minister? (is kris allen's dad gay?)

danny gokey sings with lionel ritchie, who looks like he just came from impacted wisdom teeth surgery. or he's storing nuts for the winter.

okay, this adam lambert birdcage costume is it. would he have worn this during the competition? beth. he sounds amazing. he's gonna perform with kiss: f*cking fantastic. this is exactly what he should be singing, what he should be doing, what we have to look forward to from adam lambert, i hope: show, glam, pomp and circumstance. the rebirth of david bowie, elton john, iggy pop, alice cooper. this is a concert i would go to.

so, if adam is bowie/elton/alice, is kris kenny loggins/dan fogelberg/james taylor?

moley becomes scoopy, and no farewell appearance for the mole. show choir santana. where's blindy!? there's still time for him to walk off the stage! steve martin on american idol: how did this happen? listen to chubs sing steve martin's song: there's so much phony technique he can't sing a simple melody. slipping and sliding in and around every note. dude, pick a note and sing it.

danny gokey has not sounded good tonight. please bring out rod stewert. and soon. 16 ounces anyone? oh wow. rod is wasted. or is he just old? no, wasted. or has he had a stroke? no, wasted. good for you rod, the seventies are not over, no matter what elton tells you. the twelve year old running sound doesn't knows there's a guitar solo here.

janice dickenson is a scary, scary slop of skin and bones and lips. i'm gonna have bad dreams.

we couldn't possibly make it through the end of the season without this annoying, crying, laughing joke named tatiana. do they realize all the encouragement they're giving to the tatianas of the world?

wow. it's a 70's-off. queen. seriously, this is the duet song they choose when kris allen is one of the finalists? what are they trying to tell us? (and him?) who in their right mind decided to have those back up singers wave their arms like that?

kris allen is a midget. he's smaller than seacrust.

kris wins.

wow. that's pretty much the upset of the season. kris didn't even expect it. "adam deserves this." but kris needed to win more than adam did. think he's overwhelmed? this makes me happy. i like a good underdog story, don't you?

adam is free, kris gets a recording contract.
the best of all possible worlds.

fast-forward idol: two gays guys

i'm nervous, aren't you!? (my voice just shot up two octaves.)

peecrust has a big silver penis microphone! they're in the ginormous, scary nokia cave tonight: hey fellas, on the last night, let's really change it up and put you in front of 7000 people, whaddya think? gee, which one of these guys is used to that? (hint: "look at her, she's wicked!")

it's acoustic vs. glam, conway vs. california, guy-next-door vs. guyliner, david vs. goliath, pat boone vs. elvis, the christian vs. the abomination. randy-in-a-tie wants to sell you a used nissan sentra, a little rust, low mileage. paula got attacked by the killer tanning bed. or she sat in a bathtub of beef bullion cubes overnight.

kris and adam. adam strolls out pointing at people in the audience like he's hillary clinton. (both strong women.) three songs each: their favorite, producer's pick, and newbie wanna moley song which will inevitably be poop-on-a-stick. (what happened to letting some random geek fan in frog jump, tennessee write the last song?)

for all you fans just now setting your tivo as the program starts, ryan sounds the alert that they plan to run long. thanks for that, douchebag – people dvr-ing the show are at at star trek or their kids stupid dance recital. or selling t-shirts in the lobby of a tacky broadway show.

f-fwd.

• adam 1. it's mom and dad glamberace! dad: "well, he was a screamer as a kid!" sure papalambert, but did he wear mom's eyeliner? mad world. oh look, hydraulics and fog. hmm, no screeching yet. i remember that screechy part being much screechier the first time around. was that great? maybe, but only because we know about the crazy flamboyant screechfest coming up later. judges: randy – since i'm dressed like a sixth grade teacher, i'm gonna give you a grade: A+! no...A for adam! nwm – i knew you were gonna win. paula – i knew you were gonna win first. simon – overly theatrical, phantom of the opera. (more christine, i'd say.)

shouldn't kris just go home now? get caught up on grey's?

• kris 1. i'm cashing in my kris music coupon later this week. ain't no sunshine when she's flat! (that note was "gone," babe.) further into the song, he opens up and it's great. not sure i would have picked this tune. judges: randy – plugs the lakers. nice. randy, do you think anyone watching this show knows anything about baseball? nwm – you create an intimate bond with everyone in the audience including my friend cooch mccoocherson the mayoress of coochtown u.s. of cooch. paula – you awaken the spirit in all of us by simonizing allenizing us. simon – simon say nice things, make kris cry. sweet.

ryan makes simon pick the winner of round one and has little conniption fit while he's at it: "ding-ding-ding!" he says. "ding! ding!" yeah, buttcrust, ding-a-ling.

f-fwd.

• adam 2. change is gonna come. this is pretty remarkable. the fascinating thing about this voice, to me, is that it never seems strained. there is angst here, but not in creating the sound. judges: randy – you just sang your face off and i'm not talking your covergirl queen foundation natural hue. nwm – "best ever." paula – i'll see your "best ever" and add a conniption. "i know with every fiber of my being you will be iconic." simon – you're back in the saddle game.

what will adam lambert do when he's free of these idol trappings?

f-fwd.

• kris 2. what's going on. this is his deal, right? guitar, low-key. he feels it. i would much rather listen to a concert of kris, look at kris for two hours, than adam lambert, i think. sorry adam...you'd have better costume changes. judges: randy – a little light for me. nwm – you are true to yourself. you're an artist, artist, artist. paula – i know what's goin' on, 'cause i'm layin' off the sauce and i'm halfway to lucid. simon – that was like three friends in my bedroom telling me i'm a big old gay strumming along to marvin gaye.

• adam 3. nwm song. (whatever the hell it's called.) this is pretty horrid. the song and the performance. if this is what adam leaves us with, kris has a shot. the song is...god. i know twenty people who could write a better song for american idol and one of them is erik nelson's newborn baby. this is adam's worst performance to date. judges: will anyone tell the truth about the song? maybe simon... randy – dude, you can sing the phone book. pitchy! randy said pitchy! somebody drink! nwm – i wrote that. did everyone know i wrote that song? i wrote it, and you...you sang it. paula – paula talks for a full minute without saying anything about what just happened (exactly what it would be like after sex with her.) simon – says, "i'm not gonna judge that song," thereby judging that song. simon then congratulates adam for winning the competition before kris has finished. wait. did ryan just kiss adam lambert? is ryan seacrest gay?

randy was the only judge to tell adam honestly that this performance was ultrabone.

• kris 3. singing the piece of crap that nwm pulled from her underside and they are now forcing him to sing. besides that, it's the same, lame arrangement. and he's flat too. it's the monitors – they couldn't both be that off. i think he sounds better singing this turd of a song than adam did. really, horrible, horrible song. judges: randy – you should be very proud – even though you were flat – because you're gonna lose. nwm – i think that song was too high, but i wrote it for you after listening to you sing week, after week, after week. paula – you are gonna lose. simon – simon makes kris cry again, but for the wrong reason. "you deserve to be standing on this stage tonight, and you will deserve to be there tomorrow night too, when we announce that adam won."

how terribly unfortunate that one of the best groups of idol singers i can remember end the competition having to sing one of the worst idol songs i've ever heard. kara should be working in the produce department at gristedes (but not in my neighborhood.)

ready for this?

winner: kris
runner-up: adam

fast-forward idol: three's company

"let's rock," says seafoam. "get on your feet for the top three."

tony's prediction: tonight or next week, glamberace pulls out a surprise. (no, for god's sake, not that.) something he's been keeping under wraps – that one song, that one arrangement that he told friends, if i make it to the finals i'll give 'em this. i don't know what it is. crazy, maybe? (the gnarls barkely, not the patsy cline.) this is my prediction. like it?

• gokenstein. dance, little sister. terence trent d'arby. chosen by paula. already this is vegas without the sequins or the nipples (i.e. without sequins or nipples, what's the point?) it's too high for him. this is a terrible song choice. (why not if you let me stay?) it doesn't go anywhere, and danny needs a build. (that kind too.) judges: randy – that was dope for me, dude. nwm – oh, now she's a dance critic. paula – well (bitch) i'm a choreographer and i think he did really good. (snap!) simon – this is a singing show, but that dancing was desperate. tony – isn't family guy on somewhere right now?

sidenote: did you know terrance trent d'arby – following a series of dreams (i'm not kidding) – changed his name to sananda maitreya, but was actually born terence trent howard? dude's had three fa-reak names. i've only had one. (that you all know of.)

• kris. apologize. one republic. (chosen by nwm and the black guy.) wait... listen to kringle with those teenage arkansas girls. did you hear him say "krissss"? okay, is kris allen gay?!? why is no one asking that question? i was just about to type "i don't know this stupid song" when nwm proclaimed "everybody knows this song." imagine my chagrin. pitch. okay, i do know this song. kris has the "hey! i'm a pop singer!" dialect, and now that i'm aware of it, it bugs the living crap out of me. that was pretty okay i guess. no? judges: randy – i have no clue what randy really said, nor does it matter. nwm – that was a competent performance, but i know you can be groundbreaking, and i wanted you to sing that song like it was a different song and...ugh. she's just an idiot. paula – that song does sit in a right place and there was a bum note that was loud. thank goodness paula is not addicted to pain killers. simon – takes nwm to task! "you can't choose a song for him and then blame him for doing the song. you didn't hold up to your responsibility." she tries to fight back, then she tells kris the arrangement he should have used. um, nwm? ya' think maybe it's too late to 'pologize? randy is flailing his arms and saying "dude."

• glamberace one. u2. wow, paula abdul needs a smack. it's cabaret u2. he's flat. flat. there it is. i have to be honest: i don't like this sound. i don't like the tounge. in fact, ick. but that was so far beyond the other two it's kind of silly. judges: randy – not convinced. nwm – you're a strategist. (paula is quickly looking that up.) paula – blah blah blah blah blah liked it. simon – brilliant song choice. you're in the finals or i quit the show. adam suggests we rewind it back at home and listen to the song again, for the lyrics. mmm. no. nope.

oh look, scarrie undermilkwood with giraffes. real serious like, scarrie asks on angolan person, "have you...or your dauwghter...ever had...malaria?" and the woman slaps her.

• you goker, you brought 'er. you are so beautiful. danny's choice. the pride a' milwaukee, seafoamcrustlips says. (there, you didn't come up with that stupid nickname yourself, did you?) you harr..so beautiful. this is a lovely arrangement, when does it all go wrong? you're the air i breath? did joe cocker write that? we're kind of stuck here, aren't we? in this vamp? done. okay, well. that didn't quite pay off the way i feared it would. or hoped. judges: randy – you can really (x5) sing. nwm – that was stunning. paula – i love songs. this song allowed you to do magic and infuse. simon – i would call that a vocal master class. simon has been to laura bell bundy's vocal master class.

• krisssss. heartless. this is a really interesting song choice (by kris.) i just got excited. this is him and the guitar. pretty brave. i think that was great. he's in the finals. judges: randy – better than the original. nwm – she whines, "why didn't you do that with the song i picked for you?" that was bold, brave, fearless, she says. can someone help me clean up here? paula – uses this opportunity to make a joke about simon cowell, and to say the word relevant. someone, somewhere, drank. simon – can barely get a word out because the other judges can't stfu.

• adam. cryin' aerosmith. he is a rock star. who is flat. that slide up to "forget you" was pretty amazing. am i nuts? i think he was flat throughout.

okay, before the judges. a word about adam lambert: i think the first time you hear that voice, it's pretty frakkin' remarkable. i've said it before: stupid. as in stupid. i think the second time you hear that voice, it's still pretty frakkin' remarkable. but by the third, fourth and tenth times, for me, it becomes grating. it's still a ridiculous voice, but c'mon now, do you wanna hear it all night? do you seriously wanna go to a concert and listen to that for two-plus hours? i don't know. i don't think i would. and partly for that reason, i was not blown away by that performance. that was, in adam lambert's world, skating by if you ask me. it was certainly no ring of fire.

back. judges: randy – make a rock album, dude. nwm – see you at the finals. paula – "______________." simon – it's very easy to assume you will get enough votes. if you assume, you make an ass out of you and paula. the judges begin chanting: vote, vote, vote. the judges. not the crowd, the judges. really?

ryan asks, "what do you feel like tonight?" and adam says he thinks danny and kris did really well tonight, they're almost in my league. okay, he didn't say that. to his credit, he's never come off as anything but grateful. (you're right brett.)

winner: kris
middler: adam
gone: danny

and i wrong? what do you think? how many s's in krissss?