fast-forward huckabee: idol hee-haw

i'm watching huckabee, the fox news program starring jim nabors as a former arkansas politician named gomer huckabee.

i swear i just heard gomer say the show was "coming to you from new york city," but he's a dern liar! this show is taped in harrisonville, arkansas, i just know it.

now it's time for the "audience asks carol questions about why she tugs her ear" segment!

the first comma-less question comes from a nice white man in a smart red polo who says, "with the phenomenal conservative movement that we're seeing across the country through the tea party a lot of people are being introduced to the political arena for the first time hoping to keep this movement strong and robust what advice would you give to an individual that was thinking of running for political office for the first time?"

"don't do it!" gomer chortles, slapping his knee in delight! and with that, roy clark and buck owens pop up through some corn stalks and sing a funny hillbilly song!

f-fwd.

gomer is in the "hot seat" now, with a kinda mean-lookin' dame named jamie, and tammy, a lesbian who owns a gun. these two are gonna to take gomer on, and i may have to turn this off.

jamie begins by performing a pre-written question about maria sonia sotomayor. tammy jumps in and gets tough about how important it is to find out about sonia's sexual identity politics.

now the tamster brings up the gays gettin' hitched. gomer says "ya can't go changing marriage because of someone's lifestyle choice." then he sticks a corn-cob pipe in his mouth, takes a swig off a jug of triple-x moonshine, and goes "yee-haw!" tamster gets feisty, saying "hey jethro, we're not changing marriage, we're adding to it!" you know, it's usually the bow-hunks who protest the most that end up being...naw.

f-fwd.

time for american idol winner kris allen. gomer gives kris a big man hug, maybe a little smooch and a pat on the rump. (i know what you're thinking - "wouldn't these two would make a cute couple?!" yeah, but – gomer's nambla card is expired. man-boy fail!)

apparently you're not the only one thinking about a hook-up: gomer, licking his lips, is now looking at little kris like he's a pork chop (i'm not kidding about that.) you can tell he wants to ask the big question. he's dying to ask the question. instead, he asks about simon cowell.

"you were a viola player in high school," gomer says, cocking his head to the side and twirling a lock of his comb-over with a finger. he's really pouring it on thick, but kris isn't going for it. now gomer says "you worked in a church, didn't you? you were a church music leader. church-church-church-church." (this is something they'll have in common, gomer thinks. kris wants to talk about something else.)

going to commercial, gomer shoots kris a playful glance. "when we come back, we're gonna go over to the music area," gomer tells kris. he says "music area" like he's asking a twelve-year old girl to visit alladin's castle. kris looks nervous.

back from commercial now. gomer has his big electric bass guitar strapped on – "we're all strapped up and ready to go!" – but he still wants to chat. "tell me about your wife," gomer says, "you do have a wife, don't you? where is she right now kris? did she come with you, or is she back at the hotel or what?"

gomer has a patriotic american flag shoulder strap for his bass guitar. this has made me nostalgic for the american flag poncho i used to wear in the 5th grade. (only for special events, mind you.)

now kris and gomer are playing yesterday by the beatles because gomer didn't know any kanye.

kris is facing the audience, as one does when performing. but gomer is standing sideways, facing kris. staring at kris. staring intently at kris. this has to be one of the most awkward, uncomfortable things i've ever, ever seen on television and that includes hugh jackman hosting last year's oscars. i'm going to add video of it to this post as soon as it's available.

they're done now, and the audience of white people seemed to enjoy it.

i have to go now.

wow.

UPDATE 5/30/09 – i couldn't find video of gomer and kris allen, but here's gomer and neil sedaka. i wrote neil a fan letter a few years ago and the bitch never wrote me back. now that he's singing "lunch will keep us together" i don't feel quite so bad: