fast-forward idol: two gays guys

i'm nervous, aren't you!? (my voice just shot up two octaves.)

peecrust has a big silver penis microphone! they're in the ginormous, scary nokia cave tonight: hey fellas, on the last night, let's really change it up and put you in front of 7000 people, whaddya think? gee, which one of these guys is used to that? (hint: "look at her, she's wicked!")

it's acoustic vs. glam, conway vs. california, guy-next-door vs. guyliner, david vs. goliath, pat boone vs. elvis, the christian vs. the abomination. randy-in-a-tie wants to sell you a used nissan sentra, a little rust, low mileage. paula got attacked by the killer tanning bed. or she sat in a bathtub of beef bullion cubes overnight.

kris and adam. adam strolls out pointing at people in the audience like he's hillary clinton. (both strong women.) three songs each: their favorite, producer's pick, and newbie wanna moley song which will inevitably be poop-on-a-stick. (what happened to letting some random geek fan in frog jump, tennessee write the last song?)

for all you fans just now setting your tivo as the program starts, ryan sounds the alert that they plan to run long. thanks for that, douchebag – people dvr-ing the show are at at star trek or their kids stupid dance recital. or selling t-shirts in the lobby of a tacky broadway show.

f-fwd.

• adam 1. it's mom and dad glamberace! dad: "well, he was a screamer as a kid!" sure papalambert, but did he wear mom's eyeliner? mad world. oh look, hydraulics and fog. hmm, no screeching yet. i remember that screechy part being much screechier the first time around. was that great? maybe, but only because we know about the crazy flamboyant screechfest coming up later. judges: randy – since i'm dressed like a sixth grade teacher, i'm gonna give you a grade: A+! no...A for adam! nwm – i knew you were gonna win. paula – i knew you were gonna win first. simon – overly theatrical, phantom of the opera. (more christine, i'd say.)

shouldn't kris just go home now? get caught up on grey's?

• kris 1. i'm cashing in my kris music coupon later this week. ain't no sunshine when she's flat! (that note was "gone," babe.) further into the song, he opens up and it's great. not sure i would have picked this tune. judges: randy – plugs the lakers. nice. randy, do you think anyone watching this show knows anything about baseball? nwm – you create an intimate bond with everyone in the audience including my friend cooch mccoocherson the mayoress of coochtown u.s. of cooch. paula – you awaken the spirit in all of us by simonizing allenizing us. simon – simon say nice things, make kris cry. sweet.

ryan makes simon pick the winner of round one and has little conniption fit while he's at it: "ding-ding-ding!" he says. "ding! ding!" yeah, buttcrust, ding-a-ling.

f-fwd.

• adam 2. change is gonna come. this is pretty remarkable. the fascinating thing about this voice, to me, is that it never seems strained. there is angst here, but not in creating the sound. judges: randy – you just sang your face off and i'm not talking your covergirl queen foundation natural hue. nwm – "best ever." paula – i'll see your "best ever" and add a conniption. "i know with every fiber of my being you will be iconic." simon – you're back in the saddle game.

what will adam lambert do when he's free of these idol trappings?

f-fwd.

• kris 2. what's going on. this is his deal, right? guitar, low-key. he feels it. i would much rather listen to a concert of kris, look at kris for two hours, than adam lambert, i think. sorry adam...you'd have better costume changes. judges: randy – a little light for me. nwm – you are true to yourself. you're an artist, artist, artist. paula – i know what's goin' on, 'cause i'm layin' off the sauce and i'm halfway to lucid. simon – that was like three friends in my bedroom telling me i'm a big old gay strumming along to marvin gaye.

• adam 3. nwm song. (whatever the hell it's called.) this is pretty horrid. the song and the performance. if this is what adam leaves us with, kris has a shot. the song is...god. i know twenty people who could write a better song for american idol and one of them is erik nelson's newborn baby. this is adam's worst performance to date. judges: will anyone tell the truth about the song? maybe simon... randy – dude, you can sing the phone book. pitchy! randy said pitchy! somebody drink! nwm – i wrote that. did everyone know i wrote that song? i wrote it, and you...you sang it. paula – paula talks for a full minute without saying anything about what just happened (exactly what it would be like after sex with her.) simon – says, "i'm not gonna judge that song," thereby judging that song. simon then congratulates adam for winning the competition before kris has finished. wait. did ryan just kiss adam lambert? is ryan seacrest gay?

randy was the only judge to tell adam honestly that this performance was ultrabone.

• kris 3. singing the piece of crap that nwm pulled from her underside and they are now forcing him to sing. besides that, it's the same, lame arrangement. and he's flat too. it's the monitors – they couldn't both be that off. i think he sounds better singing this turd of a song than adam did. really, horrible, horrible song. judges: randy – you should be very proud – even though you were flat – because you're gonna lose. nwm – i think that song was too high, but i wrote it for you after listening to you sing week, after week, after week. paula – you are gonna lose. simon – simon makes kris cry again, but for the wrong reason. "you deserve to be standing on this stage tonight, and you will deserve to be there tomorrow night too, when we announce that adam won."

how terribly unfortunate that one of the best groups of idol singers i can remember end the competition having to sing one of the worst idol songs i've ever heard. kara should be working in the produce department at gristedes (but not in my neighborhood.)

ready for this?

winner: kris
runner-up: adam