i'm not sure i can do this.
i'm at an oakwood in mountain view, california with no dvr. no dvr. which means i actually have to do this live. live-blog american idol.
so. just so you know. this may not last long.
besides, these shows early in the season are some of the most painful. i don't know about you, but watching someone sing really, really badly stopped being fun around 2003, when i heard jason trubitt sing dark lady at his karaoke birthday party.
it's not that jason was bad, he was actually quite good. i can't hear dark lady today without thinking of him. jason was actually what can, in extremely – extremely – limited amounts, make karaoke almost bearable. he was not showing off, he was enjoying it. he was just having fun. he was just having fun, singin' some cher.
if jason trubitt shows up on the american idol season premier tonight, no one would be happier.
but then, of course...there's ellen.
8:03 pm.
okay, there's a contestant named chris golightly? i'm in.
8:13 pm.
some random guy in the stadium full of people in boston is taking his shirt off and peecrust forgot his line. tonight, three judges and
first up: janet. please, janet. no bare midriff.
8:25 pm.
next: 16-year old maddy curtis. maddy has a down syndrome brother, so i think she should be the next american idol. wait. maddy has a whole family of down syndrome. and she's never caught it? wow. "they see the world in color and we need to see the world that way." and a tear. shit. she wins.
okay, i bet she's good.
she is. randy. "you went to the high note and came back down and actually stayed in key." he means without using auto-tune, i think. if this girl takes all her downs syndrome brothers to hollywood i'll kill her. seriously, someone better be blind, or in a wheelchair, or maddy wins.
next: oops. pat someone. little nerdly. "i've been singing and dancing all my life," says patly. "simon, you're even sassier in person than you are on tv." patrick is the love child of tucker carlson and little edie bouvier.
8:39 pm.
back from commercial. someone from the sopranos. i wanna eat with this guy. he sweats when he eats. that's real.
amadeo diricco? is that it? i sort of love him. he's gonna be good too, isn't he. okay. they're gonna put him through, but i worry this is all he's got. "i don't feel there's any need to be mean to people, unless they deserve it." that's italian. okay...sorry maddy, but the mob trumps down syndrome: amadeo's gonna win.
8:57 pm.
mary doyle. i'm an otako: an anime freak. (chuck? my brother is...nevermind.) mary is gonna get hurt, here. "everyone says that i'm good. my voice coaches, theatre directors." well, there's where she went wrong: listening to theatre directors. "singing is my life." but mary. you need a brother with disability, or a bum leg, or something. and talent.
luke shaffer. red. the girls are wondering if he's gay. benjamin sings "all my lovin" beautifully. both are through to hollywood. and i'm here to tell you that luke...is.
andrew fenlen, grumpy big glasses attitude guy. this character lasted for about ten seconds. he's gonna be good too, because we want to see him next week. whoops, three nos. i think that's a mistake.
9:06 pm.
american idol: here's how musical theatre students sing pop music! (sadly, they're right.)
ashley rodriguez sings alicia keys. i think the girls want a threesome. seriously though, that beckham chick...what is that? that's not human. if randy rolled over on her she'd snap like a twig. am i crazy...this ashley chick looks like baby paula abdul?
tyler gradey. fell out of a tree. titanium arms. "let's get it on." he's through. is randy fatter this year? i thought he went on the cookie diet or something and slimmed down. maybe he ate the wrong cookies. okay...tyler. anyone who's still climbing trees at his age is okay by me. i liked him a lot. you?
oh shit. another hour? i have cheerios to eat.
9:20 pm.
i'm eating a bowl of cereal, so this might be spotty.
lisa olivietti has to step touch before she starts singing. so, do these people really think they're good? or is this just what they say on national television?
beefy mike. singing "yesterday." shaky start, i thought, but got better. beefy asks newbie on a date, but she cheneys and answers some other question. okay, they're interviewing the parents, so beefy is through. peecrest hears beefy mention a date with newbie and immediately pulls him aside. "we should talk," he says. yeah, and here's a six pack of beer. (oldest trick in the book! peecrest is shameless!)
9:30 pm.
oy. this kid is 16, has a grandmother with alzheimer's, and can sing. katie stevens, you're the next american idol.
joshua blalock. 28 with one last shot. "he's an actor" says rob. rob hates american idol. he's in the room now, so this may be difficult. randy: "i could see him in a new group that sings spandau ballet." randy pulled that shit out of his dawg ass, didn't he?! spandau ballet? nice, dawg.
uh. oh. there's someone with cancer?
all bets are off.
9:33 pm.
btw – it was a bowl of kashi heart to heart, not cheerios.
9:41 pm.
a vulture screech. rob liked.
beefy spanish mission boy. "i am cancer free." and he wins. he wins. plus, he's cute. justin "i shoulda been an osmond" williams has the whitest teeth this side of the great salt lake. please let him have, like, four wives.
9:52 pm.
what. is. this. norberto. why are they humoring him? best line of the night: simon to norb - "you sing like a three year old girl, dressed like latoya jackson, with a beard..."
nigerian. bosa mora. i like him already. genuine. he started off okay...but kind of lost it there. the alien smacks down simon cowell (about the eye-rolling) as only a fellow brit could do. and quite seriously. that was one of the most real moments on american idol in a long time. worth all this bad tv? no. but good.
9:59 pm.
the last contestant in boston. "i didn't really listen to secular music." is that what she said? i missed it. leah someone. i'll remember after she wins. "blue skies." she's going through. but do i like her? i can't tell. do you?
okay, so far this year we have to decide between down syndrom, alzheimers, cancer, and nigeria.
i pick nigeria.
(read more "fast-forward idol: 2010")
Thank you, Tony, for watching so we don't have to.
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