fast-forward idol: m&m's and cheezies

i'm just gonna start out while the credits are rolling and say that megan better get the axe this week or i'm gonna spit tacks. can randy jackson get through one sentence without a dude, dawg, bomb, bring-it or brought-it? has gaysey done the liza/carol channing thing where he's turned into a caricature of himself?

note: i will be eating m&m's throughout the entire program tonight.

• blandy (anoop). (i know, the picture is kris. shut up.) blandy is a poser. none of this is real and he looks ridiculous in that costume. i can't see anything but a dorky frat kid doing karaoke. and this was the best i've heard him. judges: randy – wrong song. nwm – she encourages riffing. slap her. (but she saw the frat guy thing.) paula – does her upper lip even move? she just called him a "balladeer," which a week ago she thought was an inner ear infection. simon – it actually gave me a headache. okay, that little chat with gaysem? anoop is a defensive drip. "i'm tryin' to be an r&b artist." and i'm tryin' to hit fast-forward as quick as i can.

f-fwd.

• blondy (megan). ick. she's an alien. that's not really singing, it's bleating. sheep everywhere are suddenly inclined to go in search of the lost member of the flock who is obviously in great pain. judges: nwm – i think you're in trouble. bad song choice. irritating. (tears welling up.) paula – beauty develops in an era that might not be comfortable. no kidding, she said that. move that upper lip girl! move it! simon – the song was boring, indulgent, monotonous and so are you. randy – like watching paint dry. this is an idol's adolescence, where they seem to think they are more knowledgable than the judges.

f-fwd.

• gokester. rascal flatts tune. he knows what he's singing about. go dude. should he get his teeth fixed? or would he end up all weird looking like elliott yamin? elliott yamin had bad teeth and was kinda cute. then he had them capped and now he looks like he wants to eat babies. danny...that wasn't his best. good though, and they love him. (was that last note was a little off?) he's got a major career no matter what else happens on this show. judges: paula – this is a performance i'd definitlely hit repeat in my heart. simon – best performance so far. simon actually applauded d.g. randy – tonight's show starts right here. nwm – you moved everyone in this room emotionally, including my labial juices.

• allison. don't speak. please be great. i think this girl is a frigging rock star. sign her up right now. get her off this show and put her in a recording studio. i know, i know...will her voice hold up? i don't care. i'd be happy for one amazing album and tour. judges: randy – randy thinks he's on project runway. nwm – she doesn't like the costume either. paula – i'm glad to see you brought your axe. oh paula. "your intonation and delivery is masterful and effortless." paula abdul wouldn't know intonation if it was injected into her upper lip. simon – "dressy uppy." he thinks he's pam kriger (two people will get that.)

the m&m's are gone.

f-fwd.

1. is it bad that i wanna see the hannah montana movie for the cute blonde guy?

2. no glee club anywhere in the world sounds like this commercial.

3. there's an american idol mosh pit? a mosh pit? what an embarrasment for mosh pits everywhere.

• blindy. ugh. no one should sing this billy joel song ever again. ever. ever. except billy joel. maybe not even him. we should just listen to the original recording and be done with it. this is already the beverly hills hotel lounge version (sorry r.g.) did someone play a joke on him with that hair-do? "no, really blindy, it looks so hot. (snicker-snicker) it accentuates your sexy forehead." hey guys! hurry up and finish your pumpkin pie, blindy's gonna play the piano for grandma osmond. judges: nwm – she's an idiot. this was a moving performance? moved me right out of the living room to get more m&m's. paula – she refers to blindness as "his challenge." so insensitive, these people. simon – sorry. i can't type. they just showed blindy's sister jumping up out of her seat, clapping profusely, and i'm going to hell. randy – nobody wants to listen to you, dawg.

f-fwd.

nobody says frigging. sorry. friggin'.

• moley. wow. there's a mole out tonight. if richard thomas' mole and matt's mole got together do you think they'd hit it off? go on a couple of dates? you found me. woah. he's singing before ryan's done introducing him. ohh. close-up. wait! there's a second mole, on the right side of the original mole. it's smaller, and you can tell it feels totally inferior to the grand master mole. i think this is boring. you? judges: paula – you aborted the things we love most about you, like your magnificent riffing. simon – put on, uptight, uncomfortable. randy – wrong song. they keep saying "why didn't you sing this song" to people this year. nwm – she gets on her newbie-wanna-moley soap box because she want her moley nuggie.

• lil. "i've have been getting nerled, by the jurdges." she sings some celine dion song. what is this other belty sound? where has that been? this is showey, and part of it was okay. but overall not great. judges: randy – for me for you, for you for me. within you and without you. young it up, dawg. nwm – here are the songs i wanna hear. (newbie, bring your nano next week.) paula – meh. simon – a wedding performance. here are more songs i wanna hear. all your personality is being sucked out of you.

f-fwd.

the m&m's gone, i've now moved on to a bag of hawkins cheezies: canadian cheeze puffs made with real canadian cheddar.


• adam. play that funky music gayboy whiteboy. how many times do we have to hear that same high screaming, sort of "laaaaalaaaaa" wailing thing? hi, i'm adam. here's my trick and i'm gonna do it over and over and over again. i think that was way, way, way over the top and indulgent. and they loved it. judges: paula – true genius. simon – i don't really like you but you had fun. randy – the cheeze puffs are gone already. nwm – it was like studio 57 up in here tonight. hey newbie, i'm 46 and i have no idea what studio 57 is. and i'm not gonna google it to find out.

f-fwd.

are we done yet?

• cutey kris. he got smiley eyes. ain't no sunshine. this is a really great arrangement. CHRIS! sing that long, straight tone. yes! this is a pop arrangement that could be on the radio now. it's all the things the judges ask for: current, relevant, authentic. (except maybe for that last note/chord.) judges: randy – you are so in the zone. nwm – artistry. she done with moley, she want some kris kringle. paula – i want some kringle too! simon – i'm smart, and i'm british, and that was very good. i really think kris is a movie star at some point. seriously. on this show, he is now in the running, big time.

going home: please. megan.

middlers: blindy, anoop, matt, lil

in the running: kris, danny, adam, allison.

shining a light

the fred phelps "god hates..." clan continues their work. as do the counter-protesters. more and more i'm convinced that the westboro baptist church campaign is actually a subversive plot to promote awareness and acceptance of the lgbt community. and it's working.

most recently it was students at the university of chicago. walt whitman high school in bethesda, maryland is planning a counter-protest when westboro visits them on april 24th. and last week, students at lee's summit north high school in missouri joined the growing ranks of grassroots responses to the protesters from westboro baptist church.

what's stunning to me is not only the intensity behind the counter-protests, but who they're planned by: young people. thinking back to my high school days, i'm not sure many of my classmates would have been interested or willing to stand up to these folks. would i have? i hope so, but i don't know. it was a different time, i guess.

this is not to say that i've felt bigotry or discrimination from any old buds from the glory days. i haven't. much. and yet, stories like these (the response to westboro protesting a lee's summit north high school production of "the laramie project" – the story of the killing of matthew shephard in 1998) – give me great hope. i asked emily jarrett, education reporter for the lee's summit journal, how the event came off, and if there were any disruptions:

"The Laramie Project protest was pretty incredible. The Westboro clan showed up, complete with their "God hates fags" signs, but so did Lee's Summit North High School students. I counted over 100 before I gave up. Their signs were more "love-oriented" (my favorite was one that said: God loves everyone, even Fred Phelps.)

I was surprised by how many kids were there, not only because teenagers don't usually give up a Friday night to protest, but also because it was less than 20-degrees out and windy. But they stayed the entire time the protest was going on.

The most admirable thing though was that it wasn't just students from LSN. We have three (public) high schools in town and for the majority of the year, they're bitter rivals (as you can imagine, high school football and basketball rule around here). But I saw students from Lee's Summit West and Lee's Summit High School stand right along the North kids.

They said they were there to promote love and understanding for everyone."

these are high school kids in missouri.

this is the result, i think, of two things. first, somewhere along the line, a friend or relative has decided to live honestly and openly. this is the reason we need to talk to our parents, our next door neighbors, our employers. not to "promote an agenda," as those on the right so ignorantly suggest, but to promote awareness and honesty. this is who i am. i live right here. i'm your dentist, your housekeeper, your cpa. i clip your lawn every sunday afternoon. you do know a gay person.

second, it's the result of shining a bright light on hatred and bigotry. the more we see hate, the more we recognize it, learn from it, and grow into better humans. in other words, the more shirley-roper phelps and the westboro baptist church protest the better.

in fact, can we bring back anita bryant?

UPDATE 8:24 pm – more student organized protests in d.c, and nevada, and maryland:



the hits keep right on coming. this community protest in lexington, massachusettes might be the most moving:

again...late to the party

i'm assuming you've already seen ashton kutcher getting his chest waxed, right?

it starts with a T...

i might be a little late to the party here, but isn't there a name for a lame-duck vice president dissing the current president-elect to a foreign country?

Cheney, who worked closely with the Israeli leadership in the lead-up to the Gaza war, portrayed Obama to the Israelis as a “pro-Palestinian,” who would not support their efforts (and, in private, disparaged Obama, referring to him at one point as someone who would “never make it in the major leagues”).

more here.

separated at birth?

who says conservatives are in disarray? here's evidence that they're all on the same page – literally. sadly, no! breaks the story of these two highly respected well known conservative journalists persons, jonah goldberg and kathryn jean lopez (you figure out which is which) who actually wrote the exact same article on the same exact day! talk about a vulcan mind meld!

















proof positive that these conservatives have their act together...
and i mean together:




(an unfortunate title considering the two (?) authors.)

UPDATE 3/28/09 10:20 pm – author responds!

"Okay, so my syndicated column went up at Townhall today. As I mentioned earlier, they messed up and put it under Kathryn’s byline."

simple enough explanation, right? a goof. a flub. an error. yeah, maybe. (besides, goldberg, were there really, serious plagiarism accusations from any legitimate sources??) author throws this in for good measure:

"Is this the best left-wing blogs have? Misprinted bylines?"

author is totally right. we should be focused on more important things, like presidential teleprompters.

(hat tip sadlyno!)

please clean up after your elephant

the mystery of the woman who smelled like elephant has been solved.

during the second world war, denise westin austin not only took an elephant home with her every night hoping to save it from a possible german bombing raid, she rubbed it's ears to keep it calm, fed it hay from the family farm, and took it for long walks in the neighborhood, often stopping at the local store for a loaf of bread. ("excuse me, could you watch my elephant while i run in for a minute?") seriously, what kind of poop-bag do you take with you on that walk?

(hat tip malcolm)

what is america thinking?

can i just say that i'm still sad that out of the raft of stunningly mediocre performances on the idol program last week – blondy, blindy, blandy (noopy) and even lil (do not) – the contestant heading home is michael sarver. what a bunch of dopes america is.

letterman on totus

dave sums it up nicely.

died-a-long-time-ago homos

our good friends at westboro baptist church (the god hates fags people) having apparently run out of alive, ailing, or recently dead homosexuals to protest about, have now turned their attentions to long dead "may have been homosexuals." their latest protest site: walt whitman high school in bethesda, maryland.

(maybe the students at wwhs will take a cue from the university of chicago's alpha delta phi frat boys in welcoming their guests from westboro.)

piling on

the new york times throws another log on the jim cramer fire.

quote of the day

“I’m personally supportive of [marriage] equality for gay couples and I believe that it will happen over time. I think that more and more Americans are insistent that, at a minimum, gay couples should be treated with respect and when they see a political party trying to stigmatize a group of people who are hardworking, who play by the rules, who raise decent families, they’re troubled by it.”

– steve schmidt
former chief strategist for the mccain campaign

fast-forward idol: the top ten

lot's of new nicknames tonight. ryan buttcrust = gaysey gaysem. (how many sss's in riskssss, gaysey?) motown. lil's night, right? oh look, there they all are with smokey robinson, rehearsing the group number they'll soon be lip syncing.

• moley. (matt's new name) let's get it on. marvin gaye has come back to life in the mole. hold on, it's gonna be a riff-fest. wow, i never noticed this but...there's a kind of justin timberlake vibe about moley. when marvin gaye sang this song he knew what he was singing about, moley is just singing. but, yeah, it's pretty good. judges: randy – "i know from motown." newbie – could it be any more obvious that she wants to ride the mole? paula – "i'm glad you're as comfortable behind the piano as you are coming out." moley? did you hear that? simon – hey randy, gimme some props, i told moley he was a frontrunner last week. beeeeyatch!

• kris. how sweet it is. i love this tune. hey riffy mcrifferson, remember james taylor's version? did he do lot's of riffing, i forget? that coulda been a great, great last note (if he hadn't riffed.) still, like moley, kris was pretty good. judges: newbie – i have an unbelievable grasp of the blatantly obvious. paula – wow, you hit a high A! simon – "the way you're standing now you could be at a bus stop." randy – blah blah blah. personally, i see big things for kris.

ohgod. blindy. wavin, big eyes. love ya blindy.

f-fwd.

now – the nickname blindy: if you read tuesdays comments sections, my friend becky and her daughter rose came up a new name for blindy, because rose thought blindy was offensive. they suggest the name scott macintirely-blind, which i love, but it's too long to type every time. so i'm gonna call him blindy macintirely blind, and blindy for short. hey, i'm all about compromise.

• blindy. gaysem – let's have a conversation about you wandering away from the piano and falling off the stage, like paula wanted you to. can't hurry love. smokey robinson – "i have no negative comments for blindy." nice. things to tell friends after a performance: "you were right up there!" "that was really something!" and "i have no negative comments for you!" this is thanksgiving day, living-room-showtime stuff, not big hot new recording artist stuff. i'll miss him, but i think this is it for blindy. judges: paula – she said rubato, which less than a week ago she thought was the name of a purple vegetable. simon – i'm gonna be mean (honest) to the blind guy. randy – a very hotel kind of performance. newbie-wanna-moley – i think you brought tempo. what? seriously, WHAT? they just showed scott's sister in the audience and i am definitly going to hell.

wow, a really uncomfortable moment: paula jokingly pulls out crayons and a coloring book for simon, and gaysom says "let me explain to scott what's happening," because, of course, scott can't see what's happening. because he's blind. gaysom, that was unbelievably insensitive to blindy.

f-fwd.

• megan. for once in my life. or, for the last time in her life, i think. what is that dress? she should be on the flintstone's variety hour. this is not her at all. this is an utter disaster. blindy is safe. judges: randy – i didn't feel that one dude. newbie-wanna-moley – shoulda sung my guy. she's right, that would have been a better song. paula – you didn't find the pocket. simon – you look good, and it was horrible. oy, she's gonna cry. awkward and sad. sorry meggers.

f-fwd.

annop made smokey feel sensual. can we give these two some privacy in the idol mansion, please? ooh, baby baby. why does anoop have to stare at me with those dead eyes! this is kind of a disaster too. maybe meggers is safe. (naah, she was worse.) judges: newbie – 45 words to get to "you did a pretty good job." paula – you have confidence, but what i want to see is confidence. simon – it was a great vocal. (simon is high.) "like someone singing it in a musical." yes, because we all know how bad that can be (and i'm not kidding.) randy – pitchy. get the party on.

to be continued...

it's a new day, and i'm ready to take on the remaining idols. (i think.)

f-fwd.

• michael sarver. mikey goan church it up. listen to smokey talk to michael about singing: he's talking about what the song is about, not "sing it like this, or like that." ain't too proud to beg. kind of manic, no? making me clench. oh...his last line...crackage. keebler. judges: paula – las vegas loungey. hard for her to be critical. simon – i couldn't wait for it to end. randy – you're not an r&b kinda dude. nwm – singing vs. artistry. not a good round for m.s.

here's a thought. in past years there has always been one or two of these guys that i just, absolutely, cannot stand. someone i am convinced is a bitch backstage, someone who is so full of themselves, someone who is so annoying that i can't stand to watch. for the most part, i think all these guys are so real, and down to earth. and ultimately, likeable.

• lil. heatwave. she sounds lil pitchy in the rehearsal with smokester. wonderettes? anyone? i can't get pregnant bets malone out of my head. lil lil pitchy. turn the dial up a lil. manic too. this isn't "easy" enough for her. she also ends every song the same: big long note that she doesn't finish as she pulls the mike away. judges: randy – torture. nwm – if you don't nail this week, you're in trouble. and you didn't nail it. paula liked her, simon not so much.

f-fwd.

• adam. tracks of my tears. he's gonna be good and they're gonna love this. this is the opposite of lil, michael. so easy for him. a little too controlled for me, not spontaneous enough. but really original, and beautiful. he certainly is willing to take risks. judges: nwm – loved it. paula – you are exciting. simon – the best. randy – randy just said "you can pull it down, you can straighten it up." what do you think he meant by that?

• danny. oy, my boy danny. tough to follow adam. danny sounds under pitch in rehearsal. get ready. dear time-warner cable, why do you suck? (my sound is choppy.) danny sounds great. again, easy. nothing difficlut about this for him. but that was not great. judges: paula – first class. simon – clumsy and amaturish. can't say i don't agree a little. randy – good, not your best. nwm – same. tony – agreed.

f-fwd.

• allison. she's gonna rock. papa was a rollin' stone. (are these great songs or what?) look at this kid. wow, if my teenage daughter left the house like that...i'd say "you better be going to sing on american idol." i sorta love her. wow. i'm sitting here laughing out loud because that was so fantastic and exciting. again, what idol is about. she wins. judges: randy – blazing hot. nwm – you sing like you've been singing for 400 years. paula – has a mustache. simon – you are a survivor.

after tonight, add allison to the adam / danny mix. i think she could win, and there's your final three.

moley, kris, anoop, michael, and lil all middlers. nothing totally unique or special about any of them. moley or kris could pull out of that, but i don't think so.

gone: blindy or megan.

more please

the man is a genius.

quote of the day

"We should focus on the people that will lead us tomorrow, not the people who led us yesterday. With all due respect to former vice president Cheney, he represents what's behind us, not what's ahead of us."

– zach wamp
republican representative from tennessee

all the (obvious) news that's fit to print

the new york times breaks news takes this little sploog of acid reflux, prints it, and pretends it's news about american idol:

On Wednesday, in an e-mail message, (Manfred) Westphal (a spokesman for FremantleMedia North America, which produces “American Idol”) said: “Due to extensive choreography and to balance their voices with open mikes against a screaming audience, the Idols do sing along to their own prerecorded vocal track during the group performances only.”

there's arts news for you. these guys are on it.

UPDATE 3/26/09 – re-reading that quote from westphal, it sounds like "the idols" (do we really have to call them that? ick) get together like pre-schoolers and "do sing-along," like it's a game. "c'mon idols, put away your binkies and clean up your area because it's time to do sing-along!"

you got any change?

you can critique obama's press conference performance last night for the media types he called on (many major newspapers were skipped over, and this after the washington post's great a-rod question last time!) you can dog him out for using a teleprompter during the opening statement (but yes, the actual answers to questions came from stuff in his head!) and you certainly can disagree with his positions and responses.

but do you recall how many prime time press conferences george w. bush held during eight years in office?

four.

obama's now had two in his first 64 days. that's a change. (unless, of course, he only does two more in the next 2856 days.)

where'd ya put that pitchfork?

hey, we burned down this guy's house last week 'cause we were so pissed. now what do we do? (or...do ya think he's full of crap, and we should go back and burn down his barn too?)

DEAR Mr. Liddy,

It is with deep regret that I submit my notice of resignation from A.I.G. Financial Products...

a progressive republican

here's your new leader of the republican party.

what is minnesota thinking?

here's minnesota republican representative michele crazytown bachman quizzing tim geithner and fed chair ben bernanke at today’s congressional hearing investigating the aig mess. watch geithner and bernanke's faces as they realize bachmann may need to watch a few more episodes of schoolhouse rock:

quote of the day

"An associate told me that he'd been cheating on his wife. He asked me not to talk about it and I probably won't. Unless it comes up somehow."

– the christopher walken twitter account
(not really walken, but still worth quoting)

silly volcano! silly governor!

alaska volcano erupts. louisiana governor looks like idiot. via zach roth at tpm muckraker:

Remember how, during his big prime-time speech last month, Louisiana's Republican governor Bobby Jindal found time to mock the Obama administration for "wasteful spending" in the stimulus bill, including "$140 million for something called 'volcano monitoring'"?

Alaska's Mount Redoubt, 100 miles southwest of Anchorage, erupted last night. And a USGS geologist confirmed that a portion of the stimulus spending for volcano monitoring that Jindal lampooned has been slated to go to USGS monitoring Redoubt.

one in five

wanna blame congress for aig? the four people sitting next to you disagree.

whose elephant is this...?

did someone save an elephant? anyone?

in 1941, just before the belfast blitz of world war II, the belfast zoo destroyed many of its residents for fear that if there were a bomb strike, they would get loose and, well, do what wild animals do. eat people.

one hyena, six wolves, one puma, one tiger, one black bear, two polar bears, one lynx and a giant rat were among the animals "dispatched." head zookeeper dick foster "stood by with tears streaming down his face as the executioners proceeded from cage to cage." when they got to the giant rat, however, foster stopped crying and did a james cagney impersonation.

prior to all of this zoo-thanasia, some nice zoo lady snuck this elephant into her backyard. ("is that an elephant in your backyard or are you just happy to see me?") she fed it, presumably cleaned up after it (you should've seen that garden!) and kept it there until the war was over.

today, no one knows who she was.

how...? i mean, c'mon. how do you have an elephant in your backyard for any amount of time and not be known, oh, i don't know...as the lady with an elephant in her backyard? or the elephant woman? or that crazy lady who always smells like elephant?

apparently this elephant underground railroad was the best kept secret during the war (okay, one of the best kept secrets) because today, the belfast zoo is reaching out to old elephant lovers around the world with this teeny-tiny photograph (no, it doesn't get any bigger) in hopes that someone will recognize the woman, her friend, the elephant, or the backyard (none of which are very distinctive.) if you recognize anyone in the photo ("why, i'd know that elephant ass anywhere!") you are urged to phone 028-9077-6277.

in the meantime, i've begun writing a disney screenplay about a woman who falls in love with an elephant during the war, and...

quote of the day

"i don't like her personality. i think she looks funny. she scares me – i don't know if she's happy or sad or pissed off cause it's the same blank look in her eyes, and the forehead doesn't move...if joan rivers wasn't around, there would be no melissa rivers on television or producing or anything and that's a fact."

– claudia jordan
tonight's project manager on celebrity apprentice

somewhere along the way

polihale beach. kauai, hawaii. september 2003.

you know you're a dork when...

...you pass paul krugman on the street and you're a little awestruck.

cat and mouse

cg filmmaker david o'reilly's please say something is a 10-minute animated short that tells the story of a dysfunctional relationship between a cat and it's mouse lover, set in the distant future. the film, completed in January 2009, is actually a collection of 23 episodes of exactly 25 seconds each. pss won the golden bear for the best international short film at the 59th berlin international film festival.



(trouble viewing pss? watch it on youtube here.)

now i have everything

i used to tell myself that i had everything. but that was only half true.

now i have everything.

return to planet ray

my friend jonathan talks to my friend ray and there's even a theme song and i don't really know why anyone wants to watch but it makes me laugh.

obama on 60

tim geithner's job is safe –

"Sorry, Buddy, you've still got the job."

the cheney philosophy hasn't made us safe –

"What it has been is a great advertisement for anti-American sentiment."

a joking response to criticism of his economic plans –

"'What's taken so long? You've been in office a whole 40 days and you haven't solved the greatest financial crisis since the Great Depression!'"

and the toughest decision he's made in 40 days in office.

all part of barack obama's longest interview yet as president, tomorrow night on 60 minutes. guaranteed a massive audience not only for the obvious reasons but because it airs right after cbs broadcasts a slew of second round games in the ncaa college basketball tournament. “we’re hoping for a close game,” obama press secretary robert gibbs remarked on friday, one would assume about college basketball, and not the cbs interview.

return of the zombies

paul krugman isn't so keen on the obama administration's plan to deal with the banks ("The zombie ideas have won.") and that's putting it lightly:

"Treasury has decided that what we have is nothing but a confidence problem, which it proposes to cure by creating massive moral hazard.

...I fear that when the plan fails, as it almost surely will, the administration will have shot its bolt: it won’t be able to come back to Congress for a plan that might actually work.

What an awful mess."

maybe geithner can scramble something else together by monday, hmm?

do you want to know a secret?

john lennon, august 1966, in the beatles dressing room at jfk stadium (actually the old locker room for the philadelphia eagles.) one of 3500 recently discovered photographs of the beatles and the rolling stones taken by tour manager bob bonis, many of which are on display until april 14 at new york's not fade away gallery.

leave timmy alone!

grampa john sticks up for little timmy. who knew?

and the sun will rise in the east

things that you can see coming a mile away:

• meryl streep will recieve a 16th academy award nomination
  
• rush limbaugh will get only get fatter
• our economy is gonna get worse before it gets better
• tonight i will eat too much chocolate
• and this.

(but what you probably didn't know...is this.)

why i ♥ tuesdays commenters

our discussions are civil. intelligent. and moderated.

president barack obama, appearing on the tonight show thursday, made a stupid, insensitive, off-hand remark about the special olympics, having to do with his lack of bowling skills. "it was like special olympics, or something," he said, about his score of 129. before the program even aired, obama had apologized, and his press secretary did so again today.

watching the show i barely heard the remark. when i read about it later i thought about our last president: "what if bush had said this?"

quite honestly, i wouldn't have been surprised. i'd have shaken my head and said "idiot," maybe written a witty, fire-breathing-liberal blog post about it, but that's about all.

but obama's unfortunate mistake last night apparently gave the readers of jake tapper's blog political punch carte blanche to haul out every disgusting slur against every racial minority there is. in attempting to disparage obama, they totally degraded themselves. interestingly, virtually all of those offensive comments are gone today.

some of the less-offensive comments refer to TOTUS, a charming take on POTUS (president of the united states) with the T in TOTUS referring to a teleprompter. obama isn't so eloquent without TOTUS, his trusty teleprompter, they say. perhaps they missed the presidential debates, or the saddleback forum, or the town halls, or any other time obama has appeared in public when not giving a written speech.

but my favorite comment from tapper's blog, which remains on the site, is this non-ethnic one:

"wow, this obama is stupid enough to BE IN the special olympics"

yeah. 'cause you know, you gotta be stupid to be in the special olympics.

no outcome but victory will be accepted

on wednesday, march 19, 2003 u.s. president george w. bush announced that war against iraq had begun.

"We come to Iraq with respect for its citizens, for their great civilization and for the religious faiths they practice. We have no ambition in Iraq, except to remove a threat and restore control of that country to its own people. "

i know but i don't know

there's been a lot of chatter in the last few days about a last minute provision stuffed into the recent stimulus bill that allowed bonuses like the ones at aig to go through.

republicans have taken to the airwaves saying two things, sometimes literally in the same breath:

1. this is what happens when you push through legislation so quickly that no one has a chance to read it, and
   
2. this provision is why every republican lined up to vote against the bill.

see the problem with that argument?

o'donnell v. cantor

will somebody please give lawrence o'donnell his own show? (then again, is it really that difficult to make a party with no ideas look this foolish? maybe not...)


(hat tip tpm)

quote of the day

"ross perot, when he ran for president in 1992, talked about the 'giant sucking sound.' well, today there's another giant sucking sound going on in washington d.c. and that's the tightening of sphincters on both ends of pennsylvania avenue as people are having to explain who put into the stimulus bill this provision of law."

– ohio republican rep. steve latourette

dvr alert!

teri hatcher is on leno tonight.

thinking...thinking...

did you ever stop to think how many great movies are based on material from stephen king?

doin' what comes naturally

naturally 7 is the reason i watched leno last night. (well, and olbermann.) i enjoyed bobby mcferrin and take 6 for about ten minutes back in the day, so i figure these guys are worth at least that. watch them here, buy their music here.

dad, you were right

two new reports published online wednesday by the new england journal of medicine suggest my dad is actually much smarter than i give him credit for:

"Most (prostate) cancers tend to grow very slowly and are never a threat and, with the faster-growing ones, even early diagnosis might be too late."

which means that while psa tests are doing exactly what they're supposed to, lot's and lot's of men are needlessly being treated for prostate cancer.

quote of the day

"yesterday, i drank a bottle of green beer, and i won't lie to you, i felt horrible. it turned out it was a bottle of scope, that's how dumb i am. then i went nuts and i blacked out and i don't remember a thing. this morning, i wake up naked next to regis."

– david letterman

kloppy loves his beard

chris klopatek's time lapse facial hair:



visit three udders and a studio.

f-fwd idol: zzzz...the results

i'm glad american idol prepares contestants for the lip-syncing they'll be doing once they make it in the music business. really, why do they have to do these show choir numbers? (btw – in wisconsin, we called it swing choir. a little risque, no?)

okay mr. cowell, i'm usually "who cares that what simon's wearing" 'cause i'm all about casual friday and casual everyday, but tonight? you pulled that tacky white t-shirt out of the dirty laundry basket and don't try to tell me you didn't.

michael's daughter asked him "why don't you wanna be with me anymore?" because he's been away from home so long, and his reaction was sweet and all but i keep thinking about someone at war, you know? michael's coming home. he's coming home a loser, but he'll have all his limbs.

danny. safe. lil. safe ("thank you jesus.") anoop. safe buddy. allison & michael.

wow. paula abdul just said something kinda nice: "no matter who goes home, you're never going home because you're all changed people and home is a whole different place for you now." sounded nice when she said it. reading it sounds like they're going to be incarcerated at a cia black site in romania.

allison in the bottom three. michael whispered something to her, i didn't hear what it was. "you're a stupid orange-haired teenager and you deserve to fail miserably" maybe. woah...dude's in the bottom three too. shoulda kept yer mouth shut, buddy!

brad paisley: these country guys are always cuter when they're younger, no? if dude was a contestant he'd be in the bottom three. sorry pais'. hey, i could write country music. (derek, a countrified "at the beach"? thanks for the coffee, btw.)

ohhhh! blindy made it through and did a little blindy dance i had to watch over and over again! matt. close-up on the mole. close up on matt. the mole...matt. matt's through, the mole is going home.

kris is adorable. of course he's safe. alexis and adam. one is going home, right? i say alexis. ahh...randy gives adam away...it was a jeff buckley version of "ring of fire." allison is safe. i say alexis is goin' home.

carrie undermilkwood. and grampa pinocchio. oy, he's got a leer! he wants to eat her too! she sounds amazing. listen to that nice, big, long straight tone. no flipping around. and dead on the pitch.

the duet is just this side of oogy. he is legend material, i know. and, while it's a little uncomfortable watching him sing (bless) it's even more uncomfortable watching him sing a love song to his daughter. basically. now they're done. "kiss! kiss!" i'm yelling at the t.v. she's like, "dude, you kiss me i'm bitin' yer damn grampa tounge off."

okay, that's interesting and weird. the judges say they'll save one of these two final contestants (alexis or michael.) i can't quite grasp how that must make them feel.

natasha richardson. so, so sad. i never wear a helmet on my bike. i know, i know – don't send me messages about it.

michael is safe. alexis... so now she has to sing for her life. jesus! (sorry jesus) she's singing right to them, and they're all huddled up there. i know it's all theatre, but i'd be flipping out. that she can sing at all right now is pretty remarkable to me.

the answer is: no.

simon telling her, her reaction. this is a pretty real moment. she's awfully grown up. and seemingly, pretty grounded. good for her, i bet she goes far.

what? the president has pre-empted idol next week!? who the hell does he think he is, the president? ugh! president schmesident.

fast-forward idol: zzzz...

country night. randy travis is a pinocchio-old man. look at him.

• michael sarver. country music, he should charm us and kick ass, right? why so much of the harp player? michael's so sweet. he's having a good time. didn't blow me away. judges: newbie – "it's impressive that you could remember all those words." newbie, it's impressive you could remember any words. okay, michael's coming back after that "country music is just about havin' fun" comment. that is southern, y'all. he just told her to bugger off, did it with a huge grin and charmed her pants off at the same time. sou-thern.

f-fwd.

• allison. i wanna be in that room while she's singing. could she give danny and adam a run for their money? look at her. if i had a tenth of this at sixteen... judges: newbie – "you could sing the alphabet." newbie, shut. up. paula – "you're an amazing artist." paula, you're an alcoholic. simon – "guuud." randy – "country is dope."

• kris allen. eeee...randy travis just looked up through his eyebrows at chris and said "good job" like he wanted to eat him. or something. kris sang, "i could make you 'appy." what is that? i think it's really good. he's really honest. i say he's through. kinda rough last note, in his head. he's cute, but a little shakey. but that was pretty good. judges: paula – honest, pure, vulnerable. simon – terrific. randy – "tender moments from my dog kris." somebody slap him. newbie – it wasn't country, it was beautiful. on behalf of my other half's family, newbie, f.u. even standing there with seacrest, holding up his three fingers, he's so...dear. how have i missed this?

• lil rounds. i've only seen country movies. she just said, "it'd be easier for me to get my leeyicks in." independance day. she is...not right. what was that last lick? none of that in the entire tune and then...? sorr' lil. na' so much. judges: randy – it didn't feel comfortable for me on you. newbie – blah. paula – i'm wasted. simon – "look, little." i thought that just wasn't you. simon's right.

f-fwd.

• adam lambert. randy travis is a scared of him. ring of fire. this is soooooo gay. indulgent. i would say that this is really, really brave if he hadn't already done tons of stuff like this before. but this is who he is, it's nothing new. i'm not a fan tonight. judges: newbie – "all a little strange. it was strange. it left me confused and sort of happy." like sex. paula – "cashmere led zepplin." simon – "there are a lot of people in nashvile throwing their television sets out the window." aagh! simon says "indulgent!" i am simon. randy – "it's current! it's young! it's fresh! it's hot! i'm an idiot!"

• blindy. randy pinnochio-old-man is fussy mcfussbudget! wild something-or-other. okay, he's blind, and he's not that good a singer. seriously. what if we found out that he's not really blind? would they fire him? what if he said "okay, i'm not really blind but i just lost my job at the coal mine and i got a wife and we're in forclosure...?" we'd forgive him. if he could link it all to AIG somehow... judges: paula – zzzz. you should move away from the piano. she wants to see him fall off the stage. simon sticks up for the blind guy. randy – where are the hot vocals, blindy? newbie – you bring class and poise to that stage. okay, what? i guess, after lambert, class and poise were lacking...

f-fwd.

• alexis. dolly. jolene. great song. okay, really? randy travis didn't have anything to tell this girl? how about "simpler"? meh. why is tonight so boring? judges: randy – pitch problems. too much bending. newbie – listen newbie, jolene is edgy too you idiot. paula – i'm sally sunshine! look, here's my cleavage! simon – oh. simon is wrong. didn't sound like dolly at all. wow. alright then, she's gonna "dirty it up" next week. so, you think she'll be back?

f-fwd.

• danny gokey. messing up. "there's a soulfulness that most of us wish we had," says randy travis. okay, who dressed him? that looks...arctic. i just want him to do well. now, that riffing? that right there? did you notice how clean it was? and WHEN he did it? and how effortless it sounded? and where it CAME from? from somewhere real, and honest? i think danny gokey is gonna win. started out slow. but man, he jams when he gets there. judges: newbie – oy. i agree with her a little. paula – she took 102 words to get to "brilliant." simon – oh wow. simon is talking about danny's clothes. i'm really getting scared. did randy even talk? i wanna hear danny gokey sing barenaked ladies.

f-fwd.

• annop. is gonna surpirse us. always on my mind. rough start. stop the gymnastics. he is crosseyed, right? well, i fear that was good enough to get him through. judges: paula – anoop is back! you touch my heart. and that's not all. simon – from zero to hero. randy – see how smart we are? we brought you back, dude. newbie – sometimes i wanna throw things.

f-fwd.

• megan. randy gotta woody. after midnight. oh. this sounds like a country song. this is fun. i like her tonight. oh...she didn't need that key change. first half was adorable. second half, not so much. judges: she's got the flu. she's coughing. randy – she's sick. good job. newbie – your sick. good job. paula, simon – same.

i want a coke.

• matt. justin timberlake. "you wanna suck the world out"? is that what he just sang? he should have that mole removed. if it were over to the left, it'd be charming. but it's like a third eye. or cleveland. sittin' right there. "hi, i'm cleveland! i sing too! matt and i sing duets!" i love singer/songwriters and piano players. i just was not so taken by that. judges: newbie "there ain't nothin' small about you." really, she just said that. she can't wait to get in his pants. paula – ohmygod. authen... auth.. authenticik... authent... authenticity. i love you paula. thank you for that. simon – blasphemy! better than danny? never. randy – whatever. ryan turns into the gay gomer pyle. "yuk, yuk, this is a competition! it is on! it is on!" just...shush.

here's who i liked: allison, kris, danny, megan, matt

i say blindy goes home.

quote of the day II

grassley's on a roll:

"It's irresponsible for corporations to give bonuses at this time when they're so sucking the tit of the taxpayer."

– iowa republican senator chuck grassley

quote of the day

“The first thing that would make me feel a little bit better towards (AIG executives who are getting bonuses) is if they’d follow the Japanese model and come before the American people and take that deep bow and say I’m sorry, and then either do one of two things — resign, or go commit suicide.”

– iowa republican senator chuck grassley

shamrocks, corned beef, green beer and...

...crackhead leprechauns in trees. there are some st. paddy's day traditions i just will not give up.

crazy drunk wisconsin men

every year, about five crazy drunk guys in wisconsin dress up in green leprechaun scrubs and get one of their wives' friends to come and take a picture while they change the name of the town they live in from new london to new dublin. all for st. patrick's day. i don't know why and i don't really care. and i'm irish. okay, here's why: it's cold and they're drunk. good? happy st. patrick's day!!

quote of the day

"We did have a real fight in 2004, when he endorsed Bush and spoke at the Republican Convention. We yelled at each other for two hours until finally I told him to go fuck himself and then I started to laugh.

'I just realized,' I told him. 'That there are no limits. You can't do or say anything that will make me stop being your friend.' He said he felt the same way about me, even if I was mortally soft on the Arabs.

That was important. It was the moment that we really became friends, after calling ourselves 'friends' for nearly twenty years. And it opened the door for the past two years, as Ron battled this thing--an experience I'll always cherish, believe it or not. He taught me how to leave. "

– joe klein, author and political columnist for time magazine,
on his friend, actor ron silver, who died sunday from esophageal cancer.

it's hot in alaska

andrew sullivan's got a little crush...

...and outside of this being unbelievably awkward and uncomfortable (leave the poor kid alone for crying out loud) i do get where andrew's coming from.

twitterings

• meghan mccain is the only republican brave enough to take on ann coulter and laura ingraham. could she please take on rush limbaugh next?

• john mccain twitters: "if we hadn't bailed out aig = no bonuses for greedy execs." but john! what about no aig bailout = complete economic collapse? DANGER! SUSPEND CAMPAIGN!

• anderson cooper twitters: "obama rating high." george stephanopoulos twitters: "obama's poll numbers are slipping." AAAAARGGH!

barney's frank

when it comes to aig and employee bonuses funded by government bailout money, the massachusetts congressman says it may be time to start handing out pink slips:

"These people may have a right to their bonuses, they don't have a right to their jobs forever. The federal government now is 80% owner (of aig.) It does appear to me we're rewarding incompetence. These bonuses are going to people who screwed this thing up enormously, who made terrible decisions. Since the government now essentially owns that company, maybe it's time to fire some people."

– barney frank
chairman of the house financial services committee

boulevard of broken nails

it's not often you get to enjoy a sentence like this in a news story:

"There was still evidence of the rampage Sunday morning, as high-heeled shoes and résumés littered the block."

you're not gonna read that in the kenosha news. tell a new york auditionee she's not gonna be seen for the gig and it's mayhem.

last saturday afternoon there was a stampede at the cattle call for america's next top model. someone yelled "fire" at a crowded audition (literally) and a ruckus ensued that left six people hospitalized, three arrested, and hundreds of other, not-as-tall-as-usual model-wannabes falling short of their dreams (the audition was for models under 5'7" only.)

what's a mini model melee look like? it ain't pretty:

"this country does not torture"

liar.

when do us guys show up with pitchforks?

this story has such a familiar ring: aig, ginormous insurance conglomerate, was not doin' so well. it was gonna fail. and everybody panicked and said "no! aig is too big to fail!" too many connecting threads that would cause an utter collapse of not only our economy, but the world economy.

so we – and by we i mean you and me – loaned aig $170 billion or so dollars so they wouldn't have to declare bankruptcy and we wouldn't have to live in garbage cans. (thanks for chipping in your $85 bil, by the way. i knew you were good for it.)

not long ago, obama's treasury secretary tim geithner, found out that aig was gonna use a portion of the money we lent 'em to pay bonuses to employees (right? i know.) and not to just any employees, but to the guys who were pretty much responsible for the whole mess. secretary tim was none too happy about that, and he said "hey, aig, do not do it."

but this weekend, aig said, "excuse me mr. fancy pants secretary, these people had contracts, you see. and we are bound by these contracts to pay the bonuses, no matter how poorly these scoundrels performed, and no matter who loaned us this unbelievable wad of cash."

and it seems (now, this would be when we go running out to the garage to get the pitchforks and torches) that secretary tim said...

"okay."

so on sunday, aig started paying out the bonuses. and tomorrow, you and i are gonna meet at my house and head down to...where? the white house? 70 pine street in new york city, where aig is? maybe both. and we're gonna storm the...uh...storm the insurance giant. or...storm the white house. storm the banks. storm wall street. (we don't have a bastille in this country, right?)

cause this here ain't right.

read more...

there've been some changes to tuesdays in the last few weeks. the entire blog may look a little different to you: some things are wider, some more narrow. some things have disappeared, some things are new.

what i hope you haven't missed is that huge chunks of some posts are now hidden. if you see the words read more at the bottom of a post, that means you can click there...to uh...

...read more! or see more. or watch more.

often large video files, or photos are hidden in those clicks. this allows you to more easily browse stories, read a few lines, and decide if you want to continue.

as always, there's an email link at the bottom of the blog to send tips, suggestions, or to let me know that something isn't working quite right.

and if you're one of those people who likes to clean up after yourself, you can click on summary only to contract a post once you've finished reading it.

here, try it:

quote of the day

"There are certain rules in life. Don't play poker with a man named Slim. Don't buy a Rolex from someone who's out of breath. And here's a third: Don't take financial advice from people who are shouting."

– political columnist george will

thinking...thinking...

a dialogue i seem to hear over and over again:

moderator, host or reporter: you don't like the white house's plan, what is your plan to fix the problem?
republican: let me tell you what the problem is.

i'd like to hear an answer to the question, not an explanation of it.

somewhere along the way

looking for a place to watch the sunset. okinawa, japan. november 2007.

quote of the day

"Elisabeth. Stem cells are not people. They can't wear hats, or own buses. If you had three stem cells with you at a restaurant, they wouldn't seat you at a table for four."

– snl's keenan thompson
as the view's whoopi goldberg

in case things take a turn for the worse

the washington post has a front page story tomorrow about the alarming rise in the d.c. hiv/aids rate (3% of the d.c. population has hiv or aids, considered a 'severe epidemic'.) rates are rising for every form of transmission.

almost as disturbing as the story itself is one of the rotating ads embeded with the online version of the story:

here's the portion of the article as it appeared online, with the ad:

a closer view of the ad:

that's called focusing on your target audience.

ten years of hell's

hungry? if you're lucky enough to be driving along highway 12 heading toward boulder, utah, here's what's for dinner:

cream of jalapeño soup, followed by cornmeal-molasses and pecan skillet trout served with pueblo rice & steamed spring vegetables, and for dessert a chocolate-chile cream pot, garnished with grated abuelita mexican chocolate and edible flower petals (or a whole small, dried red chile from the garden.)

my favorite restaurant on the planet, hell's backbone grill, celebrates the start of it's (oh my heck!) tenth season tonight. congratulations to jen and blake, and everyone at the grill.

Cream of Jalapeño Soup
Serve 6

• 7 jalapeño peppers, stemmed and seeded
• 2 Tbsp. Butter
• 1 cup finely diced sweet yellow onion
• 4 cloves of minced garlic
• 1/2 cup diced Haas avocado
• 2 cups diced fresh or roasted tomatoes
• 8 cups heavy cream
• 1 bunch cilantro, stemmed and chopped
• sea salt and pepper to taste

Carefully mince jalapeños and chop onions, then slow cook in butter in a heavy-bottomed pan. Add garlic and stir until onions are translucent. Turn heat off and add avocados, tomatoes, and cream. Turn heat to low and carefully bring to a simmer. Cook at a gentle simmer for 30 minutes. Stir often to keep liquid from scorching. Add generous amounts of salt, cracked black pepper and cilantro. Garnish with edible flower petals and cilantro leaves.

click here to order a copy of the hell's backbone cookbook:
blake and jen go to hell with a measure of grace.

stewert skewers cramer

in fact, it wasn't much of a skewering at all, unless you're talking poking a sharp stick into a roasted marshmallow around the campfire. it just seemed a little too easy: cnbc's jim cramer walked onto the daily show last night looking like he'd already peed himself for fear of what was about to happen.

and happen it did. jon stewert was brutal, ripping cramer for (over) a half an hour ("this isn't a f___ing game" stewert told him) while cramer basically rolled over and begged for more. what else could he do, really?



follow this link to watch the entire interview which (like last night's south park) is essential viewing.