bend over and say "no condom!"

the house passed the $825 gazillion stimulus bill last night and zero republicans voted for it. zee. roh. was this a surprise?

in my tiny, skewed view, here's what happened:

1. the democratic congress wrote a super giant, bigger than life, wake grandma from the dead stimulus bill that included many things democrats think will stimulate the economy. republicans have a hard time with stimulation, period. (seriously, have you seen john boehner? he hasn't been stimulated since he was covered in goo and the doctor held him upside down and slapped his ass. stimulated? how could you tell if he were? and mitch mcconnell? yikes. that is horror-movie zombie material. we're talking anti-stimulation. negative-stimulation. secret camps in colorado play video of mitch mcconnell on an endless loop to make people like ted haggard not gay. and it works.)

2. president obama (still enjoy saying that, by the way) has pledged to work toward a new era of bipartisanship. i think he's acted really bi-partisany so far, why stop now?

3. republicans went on the t.v. en masse to say the word "condoms" as many times as they could. those closed-door republican meetings must have been like the old dick van dyke show:

buddy
let's just say 'condoms' about fourteen times.

sally
yeah, that's it! you say 'condoms-condoms-condoms' and i'll say
'i don't know who that's going to stimulate, har-har!"

rob
(at his desk, distracted)
listen guys, i gotta get home. laura's making a pot roast.
jerry and millie are coming for dinner and i don't wanna be late.

sally
yeah, i gotta go too. herman glimscher is taking
me to dinner and the movies tonight.

rob
aw, that sounds romantic.

sally
sure, it would be if his mother weren't coming along.

buddy
just keep saying 'condoms-condoms-condoms'
and maybe you'll scare her off.

sally
i couldn't scare off agnes glimsher with
mitch mcconnell on an endless loop!

(they laugh. fade out.)

4. rush limbaugh said the nation is being told to bend over and grab their ankles for the new president because he's black. wow. rush. get outta my head.

5. not a single republican voted for the stimulus.

6. the headlines today are still "stimulus bill passes house".

does obama look foolish? did the republicans slap him down? what's the lesson here?

really, the republicans didn't like what was in that initial bill. that's okay – good, in fact. they should be fighting for what they believe in. and the bill is gonna change even more now that it goes to the senate. but is this all simply political gamesmanship, while the country is looking at it's collective bank accounts and thinking "just do something, you idiots"?

and truly, now that the stimulus bill has passed the house, and monies for family planning and contraception were taken out of it, i will miss watching john boehner discuss the size of the package, arguing that it isn't stimulating until we remove the condoms.