an apple a day

...keeps the neurologist away. years ago, i took that old saying to heart and, while i haven't stuck to it religiously, i still eat an apple a day when i can.

at some moment of brilliance in my life (one of many, be assured) i decided it would be efficient to consume the entire apple, including the core, leaving nothing to throw away but the stem. plus, i'd read that apple seeds contain trace amounts of cyanide and i thought this would somehow inoculate me against any nasty poisoning snafu that might arise in the future. one never knows.

this has since become a habit for me, and now people stare in awe as i appear to be finishing an apple, but instead grab the stem and eat the core from the bottom up (slowly poisoning myself over time.) it's quite a conversation starter, believe you me.

the apple pictured here is…or rather was an aomori apple. big as your head – if your head is little. and there's nothing wrong with a little...okay, big as a large woman's breast. apples, the forbidden fruit, often symbolize breasts. apples=breasts. so let's cut to the chase: this proves that my homosexuality is environmental – i grew up around apples. large apples. and i know i'm showing you my core, here, so you'll just have to wonder if i eventually ate it. (you'll spend hours, i know.)

fuji apples are named after fujisaki – a town located in the minamitsugaru district in the aomori prefecture, japan – where they originated, not after mt. fuji like some people think (sorry blaine, i was wrong.) they've been in the marketplace since 1962 (only a year longer than i've been in the marketplace) although initially developed in 1930 and brought to the united states in the 1980's, where they are now the fourth most popular apple. go fuji. you kick red delicious ass. and galas can blow me.

studies have shown that apples not only prevent heart disease, several forms of cancer, and tooth decay, but they lower bad cholesterol, raise good cholesterol, and lead to healthier lungs. in addition, they contain a specific antioxidant – the flavonoid quercetin – that combats cognitive decline associated with alzheimer's disease and other age-related mental illness. that same flavinoid gives the apple it's color. personally, i think flavonoid and quercitin are both pretty gay sounding. sorry apples.

my own personal study shows that eating an apple's cyanide-laced seeds completely counteracts any benefit the fruit might have in deterring cognitive memory loss. what?